Entry for April 23, 2011 Honor thy What?

The count as of today is eight actual days I have to go to classes, two final days, and 19 days until the end of the semester. Maybe it is not a good idea to be counting down since it looks like a lot of days until the end of the semester and it is not helping me to see that, but I can’t help it.

Spent today doing absolutely nothing except lying in bed and being on the computer.  Lying down in bed is not good for me but since I have nothing else better to do other than homework, it seems like a better choice.  So now I wonder, what is it going to be like in 19 days when I am done and have no responsibly? Will I spend my days laying in bed and watching shit on TV that I totally forget about once they are done?  I had the TV on and honestly, I have no idea what it was that I was watching.  I vaguely remember Will and Grace, but not sure if that was last night or today.  OMG this is bad.  Reminds me of two years ago major, only difference is I am alone here and don’t have Denny to remind me that there is an outside world out there. 

Maybe this weekend is tough because of the fact that I have not heard from Denny since last night.  I am guessing that he is getting annoyed with me being on a downer and all and since I don’t live with him, he doesn’t have to see it if he doesn’t want to.

Tomorrow is Easter.  Not much to say on that really.  I have no plans.  Suppose I could go to church or something and get all connected to God or whatever, but honestly that is hard for me right now.  Yeah I know, we don’t have God on a time schedule or anything and if we believe that we believe and blah blah blah. 

I was really serious in a church back in Virginia and well at that time I was in a marriage from hell.  I told a Pastor about the whole situation and was quite honest with him and all, and you know what he told me….Fuckin!!! he said that our vows are sacred or something like that and then quoted the scripture about wives honoring your husbands.  What the fuck was that shit.  Here I was almost every day wondering if this man that I lived with was going to beat the shit out of me and here was this asshole Pastor basically telling me to obey my husband.  I did though look up those verses and it also stated, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

When I brought this to the attention of that friggin Pastor he basically said that it was me who needed to comply first and how was a man going to be able to do that for me if I would not obey him.  I was like WTF.  One would think that this transpired somewhere in the 50’s or even the 70’s, but no this happened around the early 2000’s.  Crazy but true.  What I find amazing is how I still receive emails from this Pastor about his program that he runs for addiction recovery.  I wonder why I do, since I don’t even have an addiction problem.  Whatever.  Just something my brain was thinking while I had this page open.  Ok time to find a picture.  Be right back…

I guess, since I am feeling all alone right now, I will share a picture I took one fall of one of the miniature pumpkins that I buy each year.  Well TTFN.

Entry for April 19, 2011 Expectations

Expectations, we all have people that expect things from us.  It is the way the world is and has always been and always will be. I thought about that today.  Expectations, which others have for you.  You might want to do something for you but it becomes something an expectation.  And because of this, should you feel like you don’t want to do it anymore, you can’t quit, because you will let another person down. Even when you feel like you have lost yourself somewhere, there is that need to accomplish that thing that people are expecting you to do and to do it well. Even as you keep on going, you think of those that you will let down, and that keeps you going.

So what would happen if you finish that expectation and then make it so there will be no more for you or for others to expect from you.  Is it then that you have all your options open, open to do anything that you really want to do, regardless of those people in your life? 

With the semester ending I have been thinking about this a lot.  Everyone I know is supporting me and at the same time expecting me to do my best.  I know that this comes from me.  After all, isn’t that how it works?  When we have a friend or family member who is really trying to go for themselves, don’t we cheer them on and really root for them, to help them get through it.

So what happens when you fail?  Well for the people who support the person who failed it is a big let down and it is hard for the supporter to respond, because no one wants to vocalize anything that is negative. 

The person who failed at something has the tough job of telling everyone that they didn’t do it or do it the way they wanted to in the first place.  There is always that feeling of letting the supporter down and causing them to be in a downer, because we as humans don’t like to vocalize anything that is negative.

So we are stuck in this endless circle of getting excited for something we want to do or something someone close to us wants to do.  Now sometimes we get that wonderful feeling of a positive outcome and those times give a good feeling inside, but then there are those other times, the hard times, when failure is the outcome and we are left with those negative feelings.

So the question here is, is it better to not have a expectations and not have the possible negative outcomes or is it better to have the expectations and hope for the positive ones?  Which outweighs the other?

Ok, going to find a picture that kina fits with this one.  Off to my collection…

This one that I picked is one that I had taken in Utica, NY in mid fall of a few years ago.  I picked this one because even though it looks like the leaf is all alone to endure the newly fallen snow alone, there are some blades of grass there to support it, just like we as humans support each other.  Kind of what I was talking about here today.

April 17, 2011 Beach Pictures

So I went to the beach yesterday morning and got some pretty good shots.  I really can’t believe that I got up and left by 8 am since I didn’t even try to go to sleep until around two in the morning.  I mean I was still writing my last blog and posted it around one in the morning.

I am going to make this sort of quick.  Just want to let you all know that while I was there, I was actually feeling a bit better.  I did the Julie Andrews thing from the sound of music, except I was at the beach rather than in a field.  I was all by myself and was able to play my iPod as loud as I wanted and I sang at the top of my lungs and it actually felt pretty good.  Then I got home and felt exactly as I did when I left.  Oh well.  Anyways, I am just going to post a bunch of the pictures I took while there.  Here you go…

Well that is about it for now.  TTFN

April 15, 2011 Just a Taste of My Mind

Having not done a thing all day today, has tired me out.  Can’t tell if it is the lack of doing anything or it is the depression or both.  Oh well, who knows.  I am thinking that even though I have a lot of school work to do for the weekend, I am going to take the bus down to the beach and see if I can get any pictures taken.  It was actually kind of an idea that my therapist had, but I extended it a bit.  I mean she said something about walking around here and getting some shots and well I am the one who decided to take the hour and a half bus ride to the beach.

You know it was supposed to be this time that some of my photos would have been displayed at the art gallery and because of my friggin illness; I am unable to even get my photos ready for it.  It would have been nice to have been able to sell at least one of my photos, and be able to say that I was a photographer. Such as life.

Talked with Denny today. Well he finally got copies of his W-2’s and sure enough, I was right.  He owes the government and for three years. I told him for quite a few years that he really needed to let me do them, but no he would not listen to me, and now he has like mega taxes, interest and penalties that he is going to have to pay.  I know I should not get worked up or concerned about this, since it is his problem and not mine, but I can’t help it. 

I was thinking about how maybe if I didn’t feel what others felt so much, and then maybe I would be alright.  Seems I only feel the hurt that everyone feels more than the good feelings.  Now doesn’t that just suck ass.  I seem to think so.

I only have fourteen more days that I have to actually go to classes and twenty seven days until I am finished for the semester.  I am thinking my calculations were a bit off the other day.  OMG I just have to make it to the end.  Well that is good that I have that goal, you know something to look forward to.  Something that I can beat, you know what I mean.  I figure if I focus on getting through the rest of the semester then I can just concentrate on that, and for now that seems to be working for me. 

I made a hard decision the other day.  I decided to actually trust my med doctor and let her prescribe anything that she feels is right for me and I won’t question it at all.  Anyone who really knows me knows that this is major.  I am always looking at the side effects of meds and then get freaked out about taking them.  I guess the biggest side effect I worry the most about is weight gain.  Friggin, since I have been taking psyc meds I have gained so much weight.  Now I am not saying that I was some skinny minny but shit, I was not as I am now. 

You know what I really don’t like.  When you feel like I do and you think about ways that you can leave the situation and you express it to someone, they always ask you how would your significant others feel about your choices.  I am sorry but it is hard to think about that.  I know that it is selfish to say it like that and I do love the people in my life, but I also know that people revolve.  That is all I got to say about that.  I do have to add that I don’t see myself at the point of making any kind of radical choices, I am just rambling.

When I sit here at the computer and type away, I let my mind decide what to say and well shit, welcome to my ride.  It is very hard to take things from my mind and put them to words sometimes, because my mind is like the old time projectors that would flash with each new slide.  You have to hurry up and grab something to make some sense of it.  A lot of my thoughts are not like before when I have felt this way, which is concerning me a bit, well a little more than a bit, but I am maintaining and that is good for now. 

Twenty seven more days.  I have to make it because so much rides on it. There is so much that I can lose and honestly now it doesn’t mean that much to me, but I know myself all too well, it will matter to me later and I really don’t want to f something up that I will hate myself more later.  There is enough of that low self esteem going on here that I don’t need to add more for myself later.  So I figure if I stay as focused as I can for now, I will make it through the next twenty seven more days.

Alright, so now that I decided that I am going to switch from my looking back pictures to my own that I have taken over the years, I think it is time for me to go looking into my collection and see which one fits anything that I discussed here.  Be right back with a picture.

This one I picked because I mentioned that hopefully tomorrow I will make it to the beach to take some shots and well this is where I am hoping to make it to.  This shot was taken last year with my friend and her daughter.  They came here to visit and we decided to head to the beach and I got a lot of shots that day. 

Just a side note.  Even though this is posted on Sunday, it was around midnight so in my book it is still Friday so hope it didn’t confuse anyone reading this.  TTFN

Entry 2 for April 13, 2011 Grab the Moment

While waiting for my class to begin, I decided to just let some words make sense on paper, and this is what I came up with. I didn't make any correction or anything,  so if there is errors and you want to correct it, then you miss the point on what it was that I was doing in the first place.  The picture is one that I had taken quite a few years ago.  It was the closest picture I could find of mine that kina sort fit.

As the rain drops fell hard and constant, she stood letting each drop land on her. Because it was early fall, the temperature was still fairly high and the raindrops felt warm to her skin. She didn’t care about the looks she was receiving from the umbrella holding passersby. In her mind she believed that she knew something they didn’t.

Here face looked up toward the sky; with a smile she closed her eyes. It was the first time in months that she was able to crack a smile on her face. She had waited for this moment, even if it would only be brief.

Though the sky was grey and cloudy, it felt to her as if the sky took away the clouds that filtered her thoughts.  The clarity she was now feeling, she could not but hope it would last forever, but she knew it was on to remain momentarily.

No one she knew was aware that her mind was flooded with clouds, because she was a master masker.  Her mother had taught her well.  Because she was such a great masker, she lived with her pain alone. If only her mother knew of the cost.

Just as she was beginning to enjoy the clarity of her mind, the sky cleared and her mind started to return to its cloudy mess it was.  At that moment she let her head drop, and she let out a deep sigh, and she realized that she was still standing in the same place where she was, only now she stood dripping wet.  For the first time in a long while, her thoughts matched her appearance.

Entry for April 13, 2011 Almost There

Sixteen actual days left of classes.  Thirty two days until I am finished with classes.  Each day that passes I wonder if I am going to make it.  Absences are maxed out in all my classes.  I can do this, I can make it through.  My grades are passing and I should be happy with that, but honestly it is making me even more depressed, knowing that I am not working to my full potential.

Trying to get the assignments done for the classes are really a hard task.  I get the study area ready and open the books, but my mind is always somewhere else. I have been putting on music for most of it, and it is helping some, but I can’t do that for reading though. 

I really shouldn’t be complaining since I am getting up and going to classes and passing, but it is such a struggle to do those things.  Last semester I was rocking.  This one, I feel like I am swimming in syrup or something. 

Now after me telling you all about how may days I have left of classes, that I would be looking forward to being done for the semester, but I am not.  At least with classes I know I have to get up and go somewhere.  When classes are done, there is no reason to get up and get going.  I am already coming up with ways to explain to my father that I am not going to make it to visit him this summer.  The good thing with that though is I have not actually said anything to him yet.

I am going to have to build a structured summer for myself at this point so I don’t run into problems.  I just wish that I would not lose my medical if I went to get a job.  I know right now is not the time to lose it.  I really hate how the system works.  You would think that if you made the effort to try and work at a job that they would somehow make sure that you didn’t lose it so you can gradually go back to work and have that safety net in case you are sick.  I know that when I am done with school I will have to make that jump but at this time I am not ready.

Also with school there are the long breaks that are really helpful.  I don’t know what I would be doing right now if I was at a full time job and feeling this way.  I can at least feel some sort of light at the end of the tunnel with the upcoming summer break.  I can at least work on meds and get the mental care I need at this time.  At a job they would not sit back and let you take that kind of break.

Anyways that is enough of that.  Today’s picture is from the Roger Williams Park Zoo.  Though I took many pictures of the animals, it was the scenery pictures that I felt were much better.  So here is one.  I chose this one for today because I have been talking about the light at the end of the tunnel, like pertaining to this semester and this picture shows the light from the sun. TTFN

Entry for April 10, 2011 Reassessing My Thoughts

Well yesterday and today, I forced myself to get up and go out.  It is nice out after all.  It doesn’t matter whether or not there is a thunderstorm going on in my mind, there is still life outside of it.  I am hoping that if I get up and out, that somehow the nice days outside will help clear the dark clouds within my mind.

So yesterday, Denny and I went to Federal Hill, here in Providence, and ate dinner and then walked to the mall to see a movie.  We saw limitless and The Adjustment Bureau. I remember some of the movies and I guess they were ok.  I think I would become addicted to the pill in limitless.  I could really see that happening.  That is all I can say on that one, because I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone else.

Last week I was kind of ahead in school and this weekend I did nothing for school.  It is not the smartest thing to do at this time, but honestly I could not see myself getting anything done anyways.  Each time I am here, I look at my bed and long for it. 

My grades as of now are passing, which is good, but usually at this time I am doing so much better.  I picked my classes for fall already.  Biology for Today, Physical Science and Intro to Human Services/Welfare are the courses I have picked and with each being 4 credits, it fulfills my fulltime requirement.

If by the first week in September I am not feeling any better, I am going to take a break for that semester.  I think what is scaring me the most is the lack of structure for the summer.  Believe it or not, that is so mega bad for me.  I have to figure out how I am going to fill the spaces that school fills for me right now, before it seriously becomes an issue.

Because of my illness, I was unable to get my photo collection together for the art gallery that wanted to me to exhibit at.  This is something that this past fall I was so looking forward to.  This illness of mine is a killer of many things.  Maybe next year I will be healthy enough to get into gear and get my photos ready.  I decided that each time I post here, I will insert one of my photos, and maybe that will get me more into the swing with my photos.  So here is something I took today.

This attracted me because of how not straight and normal this clock is.  This photo reminds me of me and how I am.  I am not someone who fits evenly into the box that the rest of society fits into.  When I am in that box, it tilts to the side and does not even out until I jump back out again.  TTFN

Entry for April 8, 2011 Completion

Sadly I feel destruction

Badly planned construction

Widely known contradiction

Beautifully in its classification

Angrily starting a vacation

Presumably my brain starts its new creation

Unflinchingly I wait for the homogenization

Unfalteringly I wait for the welcome termination

Entry for April 6, 2011 Wow, My Rant!

I wish I could tell you all that I am feeling a 100% better, shit I would love to say that I feel 50% better for that matter.  I am not sure how it is that I am making it through this, but so far I am.  Funny thing is, no one can tell I am going through this thing.  Guess I am really good at saving face or something.

I think it is great that I can write this out somewhere, because it is a bitch to act as if everything is going alright and to try and take my classes and pass and keep up with how well I did last semester.  I find that I am forcing myself to open books and do the assigned work and readings needed to pass the courses.  At least I am doing ok in that area.

Thankfully the mental health center that I conduct the Connection groups at had a flood in their basement last month.  Because of the flood, we put the group in hiatus for the month of April.  This is good for me because, I don’t have to act as if everything in my life is in control.  I guess that is the worst part of being the facilitator in a peer run support group.  The most that I can say is, “I am having some symptoms of my illness.”  Damn, seriously, I would not mind that.  This is kicking me hard. 

At least I get to express myself here and not let anyone down.  I hate the fact that I have done so well that I am expected to keep it up all the time.  I know part of that is on me, since I don’t like to let people down.  However there is a group of people at my mental health center that do look up to me as someone who is “making it.”  Sometimes I wish I could tell them that even though I have done well in the past, I do have an illness that creeps it wicked head around to remind me that I do in fact have an incurable mental illness, that is just not going to go away.

Maybe that is what is bothering me the most.  That whole thing about how there is nothing to cure it, only something that could keep it at bay until whatever medicine you are taking decides to work with your body to become less active.  Then it is back to trying whatever it is that works well with you enough to let you try and become an active member of society.  What the f&*^ is that all about.  Not like I am really good about remembering to take the stuff in the first place, but I wonder, what is the point.  It is only temporary in the first place and besides these doctors don’t even have this set as an exact science.  They are guessing as to whether or not these drugs are going to help or not.  Let’s not even get into all the friggin side effects!!!  My God, does anyone have a clue as to how many people with mental illness also have medical issues that came about from the medicines they are taking for their mental illness.  It is just totally crazy.

Lastly, who is to say that we who suffer with mental illness are the sick ones in the first place!  Maybe we are the healthy ones and those that are so called mental illness free, really the ones who suffer.  Think about it.  Those that don’t suffer, don’t think.  They go about their days, doing things in robot fashion, with no thought process.  Must do, is where their mindset is.  Who the f^&* wants to think that way.  Yes, I over think things and contemplate everything, but at least I use my mind, and question things, and not walk aimlessly around doing as I am told.

Ok so this was a rant.  And I kina went way everywhere, and I am not even manic.  Go figure on that one.  Maybe it is because I am mad, mad that I feel as though I can express what I am really feeling, because it makes OTHER people uncomfortable!  Oh well, not one person can change the thinking of everyone.  I am signing off, since I have to leave for class in like fifteen minutes.  TTFN

Entry for March 27, 2011 F It

For the past month I have been struggling with my mental illness.  Well actually more than that amount of time, but seriously been having problems that have been hard to manage over the last month.  I am not saying that it is over, because it is not.  I am so scared though.  I know that is weak to say, but it is true.  This seems to following my usual path and the end of the pathway is not a very bright one.  I suppose I can look at how I have been able to bounce back each time.  It is just that I am so friggin tired of this shit, seriously.

I am so great at faking my true feelings with everyone that sometimes it is hard to turn it off and really share what I am feeling.  At this point I wonder if I really feel anything.  I wouldn’t know how to describe my emotions, because I really don’t know where I am at.  What makes this past statement sad is that I am a relatively bright person, but to not know how to express my emotions is just crazy. Honestly, I don’t even know the difference between emotions and feelings.  Is that sad or what!  Maybe if I understood those concepts better, than maybe perhaps I could share myself better to the powers that be and get the correct help I need.

I know I have not shared with you all why I am scared.  This is hard but here it goes.  Right now I am kind of looking forward to learning in my classes, so I want to see what the next day brings.  When I say kind of, I mean just that.  Right now it is an iffy thing, from moment to moment and is still controlled well by me.  Ok now to the scary part.  When I reach my low of low, I lose all sense of all that I look forward to and I can’t see those things that are important to me.  I feel as though it would be better for everyone I know to be able to say good bye to me and be able to live their lives without worrying whether I am going to be ok or not.  I also have an impulse control issue when I am sick and those two don’t mix. 

I know my cycles and I see that I am close to the point of no return.  I feel as though I have to do something about.  I tried to do something this past week and it has not worked.  Not like I was expecting a miracle cure or anything, but God it would have been nice to see some sort of progress.  I saw myself faking it to get out of the situation, rather than dealing with the issues.  MY GOD WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

My school work is suffering because of this and the sad part about that is, I don’t seem to care.  I am not failing or anything, but I am not doing the best that I could either.  I have got to get out of this funk, but my defense blockers are all around me big time. 

No picture today, because frankly I really don’t feel like looking around for one.  I am hoping that my mood can turn around sometime real soon.  F the spring, for me a time of triggers. Hope you all are doing better than me right now.  TTFN