Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.




Sunday, July 29, 2012

Saturday Centus – One Loss Leads to Others


The prompt this week is:  "PLEASE REMIT YOUR PAYMENT PROMPTLY!'
Number of words: 100 words PLUS the five words of the prompt. 
105 maximum word total.
Style of writing: Any
Pictures: Any 
So here goes…



She sat out the window, watching her small children playing in the backyard.  Looking down she saw the words leap out of the paper, “PLEASE REMIT YOUR PAYMENT PROMPTLY!”

Tears began to fall as she again watched out the window.  The death of her husband and the loss of his income was now the loss of her children’s security of knowing they had a home.  She wondered why they never got around to buying the life insurance.

In slow motion, she brought her laptop closer and typed in, “apartments Edison NJ.” Her only hope was that her own income could provide enough money for rent.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Alphabe-Thursday – Justme


Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is J. So here goes…



I am Justme.  It is funny really for me to choose this for my entry.  When I first started online I made all my screen names justme6790.  At the time I was quite depressed all the time and when I chose that screen name I meant just what it said.  Justme.  Like I was no different than anyone else.  Like there was no reason to care what I do anywhere in my life. 

Well here I am quite a few years later and well I am still Justme, but it is a better just me than previous.  I say I am unique and different as anyone is. So now when I think of my old screen name I think that I am Justme being who I am and I am OK!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Guided Imagery – Seasons




For years I have enjoyed writing guided imageries and recently I played around with one of my previous writings and well I decided that I would share it here.  It is not as good as when it is read to you, but if you make sure that you have a quiet space while reading, you might have an enjoyable trip.  Let me know what you think. So here goes…

 You feel the wind as it circles around you while walking through a forest in the mid-afternoon.

You can see the vivid colors of yellow, gold, orange and red moving in the trees above you.

Beneath your feet you can hear the crunching of the fallen leaves.

With each step you take you can hear the faint but noticeable crunching.

As you look above at the large tree above you, you can see one bright maroon leaf has left its host.

Your eyes follow this leaf as it circles up and down as the wind carries it.

It finally lands on the ground next to a dull yellow dandelion, which grows between the cracks of large broken rock.

You reach for the dandelion and pick it, noticing the white liquid that quickly forms at the breakage point in the stem.

Though you know the dandelion has no scent, you bring it up to your nose and can feel its petals tickle your nose as you inhale deeply.

Bringing the flower to your cheek, your eyes close as you feel the valor blanket touch your face.

Your body begins to warm as this valor feeling begins to envelop your body, and you realize that this flower has become a blanket wrapped tightly around you, nice and warm and comforting.

Looking toward your right you see a small cottage with leaves all around the yard.
You walk closer to this cottage, hearing the faint crunches of the leaves and little cracks of the small twigs beneath your feet.

Without hesitation you reach for the round cool doorknob of this welcoming cottage.
As you turn the doorknob you can feel the click of the lock opening.

You can feel the warmth of the fire in the fireplace before you, as you open the door.
The smell of burning pine fills your nose

Your exposed face feels the instant dryness of the fire and brings warmth down your spine and up your scalp.

Light popping sounds are heard from the fire and they travel through your ears as if playing to a melody.

On the small table to your left you see a mug steaming.

You reach for the mug with your right hand and bring it toward your face.

You are greeted with white billowy whipped cream.

The aroma of cocoa surrounds your nose.

Your head falls slightly to the cup and you lightly blow and take a sip.

You find that it is hot, but a perfect hot.

You let the cocoa rest in your mouth allowing all your taste buds to taste the rich sweet chocolate.

You take a swallow

Letting the warmness of the chocolate travel down slowly, keeping your warm, even down to your toes.

You bring your tongue to clean your whipped cream lips

A slight tap at the window brings your attention to it.

As if by magic, fall has turned into winter.

Walking closer to the window with the mug between your hands, you can see light puffy snow has taken over the forest.

The trees that held such beautiful leaves just moments earlier, now housed small mound of puffy snow on its branches.

In one branch you notice a small bird with a black cap and bib with white sides to the face. 

The smell of apples and cinnamon fills your nostrils

You look down at your cup instinctively

The mug in your hand has changed to a clear tall tea cup

There you see a cinnamon stick sticking out of the steaming yellow brownish liquid that you know to be apple cider.

The smell gets stronger as you bring the tea cup closer to your mouth.

The tastes of apple, cloves, cinnamon and brown sugar hits your tongue and the juices of your own saliva and cider join together, creating a blast in your mouth.

You find yourself stirring the cinnamon stick and taking a sip again and again, slowly and methodically as you watch the bird singing its tune of its various outbursts of notes.

With the last sip you close your eyes and bend your head back to capture the last drop.
As your eyes slowly open you can see that the large window before you has created a new picture of vivid greens and bold colors of spring.

You drop the blanket at your feet and head for the door.

Rain drops could still be seen on the leaves, grass and flower buds back outside.

You see that the bird has found a small puddle and is vigorously cleaning himself under his wings.

As you come closer to a tree you are drawn to one leaf with a larger rain drop hanging on and you see your own reflection in the water.

You watch as this drop slowly descends from the leaf and watch as it drops to your feet in a puddle and disappears.

Your eyes become fixed on the puddle below.

Again you can see your reflection

You bend down slowly.

You place your forefinger in the center of the puddle and slowly move your finger in a side to side movement.

You watch as the ripples grow larger and larger.

The feeling of the sun has grown warmer against the top of your head.

You begin to feel the warmness on your exposed skin.

Looking up you see the flowers have grown and opened with the bright sun.

Our eyes are drawn to a bush of blue dots in the distance

You walk toward it and realize that the bush is full of ripe blueberries.

You reach for one and pop it in your mouth and bite down

Letting it pop in your mouth

You begin eating more until you see that there is just too many for you to eat them all

A nice breeze hits your cheek and you close your eyes as you bring your face to it.

Opening your eyes now you see that you are where you began, with the dandelion, now brightened against your cheek.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Alphabe-Thursday – Inkie




My first attempt at Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’sblog.  So here goes…

Growing up we had many pets.  Some we only housed until another home could be found for them.  We had those that remained their whole lifetime.  One remained most of my sister’s childhood and the beginning of mine.  She was the best beagle ever.  Her name was Inkie.  The name, like many of the name we chose, came from the mind of a really young child.  Tammy, my sister, was quite young when my parent got her.  Tammy and Inkie shared one common factor.  Both of them were firsts. Tammy was the first child and Inkie was the first dog of the household. 

Everyone in the house knew that Inkie belonged to Tammy and Inkie knew she belonged to her as well.  With so many beds in the house, it was always Tammy’s bed you would find Inkie on at night. 

For every baby animal we found in the field across our house, Inkie became its adopted mother.  Since we children were all adopted we felt as though in some way she also adopted us younger kids.  She fit into the role so easily and we didn’t need to tell her to do it. 

So when I saw that the letter was I, it only took me a second to think of Inkie.  I know this is short and there is so much more to say about this wonderful dog, but I wanted to keep this entry brief. 

Hope you all enjoy the photos Inkie in no particular order... 

She was so much part of the family that she was included in portraits 

First day at home

That is a bird on my sister's nose

Same photo shoot

In color

With Gram and Gramp and Tammy and Tommy

All pictures with my sister

There is that bird

There she sits, the always watchful mother

Last one

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

45th Birthday


Today is my 45th birthday and here I am wide awake at 3:30 in the morning.  Not sure why I can’t sleep, but I figured that I would write a blog and perhaps the clicking of the keys will lull me to sleep. 

So I am 45 and just about half way through school.  Ok that is not too bad really.  I keep on thinking, at least I am doing it and besides I could be a 50 with no degree or 50 with a degree, either way I am going to be 50, right?
I am almost done with the last training for a Peer Wellness

Coach and I feel really good about that.  I feel as though I have really accomplished something and I am not even done yet.  We started with a group of 28 and now we are down to 24.  That is actually not too bad considering that we all have various mental health problems. 

I am worried about myself though.  I feel a constant sadness, even among the positive moods.  I know this feeling and it usually doesn’t have a great outcome.  I am wondering how I am going to deal with it in a healthy way.  Funny thing is I think this is really the first time that I decided that I am going to figure out how to deal with it rather than ignoring it and hope it goes away.  I am pretty sure that I have to let my emotions out and well I really don’t do that all too well. 

There is just too much riding on my wellness right now that I have to make sure I remain that way.  I have school starting in September and my internship beginning within two weeks and an upcoming training that I have to facilitate and these areas leave me little time for me to do what I need to do for my wellness.  I don’t have the luxury to take another semester off of school and in order to work I can’t wait on my internship. 

There is also the issue of my father and because of his illness I was unable to do what I needed to help get a handle on my underlining sadness.  Maybe he is the reason for it in the first place.  Maybe it is the fact that my mom died in January and I think that I have dealt with it, when in fact I really haven’t.
All I know is that I am a pretty resilient person and like always, I will prevail and I will go on and I will get done what needs to get done.  Guess this is actually going to be a rather short blog for me today.  Guess I just needed to type this out and see for myself that I am over extending myself and I really need to rethink a few things.  No picture today.  TTFN

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Saturday Centus - Slowly Losing Him




I found Jenny Matlock’s blog and saw that she has a weekly challenge called the Saturday Centus and decided to take part in it.  I used to do this sort of thing back when I was active in Yahoo 360 and have missed it.  So here it goes…

The prompt this week is:  Wait!  There's more!' 
Number of words: 100 words PLUS the three words of the prompt. 
103 maximum word total.
Style of writing: Any
Pictures: Any 



Slowly Losing Him

She could hear the door slam shut as her son’s backpack hit the floor, followed by small feet running in the house to her.  She could see his excited face as he said, “Guess what happened today!”

She never got a chance to answer, “Mark lost his…” She heard his voice, but she was lost in her own head. 

“How did it get this way?” she wondered as she tried to show interest.
As she tried to get him to stop, he yelled, “Wait!  There's more!”

She smiled at him, with her tears hiding painfully behind her eyes, knowing she was losing him.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Pitfalls and Goals




Starting Monday I will be starting my second training for the Peer Wellness program.  I have not started my internship yet but have an interview on the 26th.  I was really hoping that I could do my internship at the mental health center that I go to, but they are not letting anyone who goes there to do their internship or work there.  That makes no sense to me at all, after all, isn’t it a good thing to show peers that you have used their services and such and found a way to enter into recovery.  Their reason for not allowing current clients there is because we will have access to our own records.  Now that gets me to thinking, what is so bad about that?  Makes me wonder what is in my record that they want to keep to themselves.  Now because they are being that way, I am going to be asking to see my records, because after all, I can.

My son came up this way last weekend to visit with me.  I could not believe when he called me that Wednesday to ask if he could visit.  He didn’t give me much chance to find some interesting things for him to do, but he did tell me that he really liked it up here.  He came with his girlfriend.  About four months ago he moved in with this girl, and let me tell you first, I really like the girl, but they are so young (21) that it is hard for me to take at this time.  All I have to say is what I told him, I can’t be a grandmother until I am fifty.  OMG just to type that out is crazy.  I will be 45 in four days.  I don’t know what my age is supposed to feel like, but I doubt I feel it.

Ok so what is bothering me at this?  Denny has started drinking again.  Makes no sense to me that after fourteen months to begin again, but he did.  I want to scream at him and beat the crap out of him, but I have decided that I will sit and wait and see what happens.  He says that he felt pressured to quit in the first place and that he felt it was not his decision.  All I have to say is whatever!!!!  I asked him if he was thinking of getting sober again and he said it was a high possibility, but I think that he is going to wait until he totally sinks to the lowest possible place he can. 

I guess what bothers me the most is the talks we had and how he said that he loved me and that he chose me instead of drinking and shit.  So what is he saying now?  Is he saying that I am not worth it any longer?  I know logically that his drinking is a disease and he really doesn’t have complete control over it and all, but it still hurts mega.  I have decided that I will go back to the original deal I made with him before he quit.  I will not be around him if he is drinking or be around him if he has drunk.  Guess that means that I will be alone quite often.  All I know is love fucking hurts and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I decided that I am going to try and get myself out of my funk of isolating and being all depressed.  I began to feel this way before Denny drank and of course it got worse after.  I decided that I will get out and do things and focus on my internship, school and training.  These are things that will keep my mind on my goals and not help me to remain isolated.  It just would be really nice if I had close friends here, but I have yet to find that friend.  I have a few friends, but not that special kind that really listen and talk and go out to do things even when I don’t want to.

Above is my schedule for the fall semester.  I am so excited because if everything goes right, I will be done at the community college and on my way to the state college in a year.  I only have 7 classes to complete to have an Associate’s degree by May.  I will take three of them in fall and the remainder in spring.   This is the kind of stuff that I have to focus on and as long as I do I should be alright.  Ok that is all for now.  TTFN

Friday, June 15, 2012

Train and My Mind




On the train heading to New Jersey for six days.  Not really sure what I am going to write this blog about, but be warned, usually when I have no idea it is when I end up writing one of my extra long blogs.  Well it is not like all my blogs are not long…LOL.
Had a meeting yesterday about the internships and how to proceed with applying and such.  There was also discussion about our next and final training.  Looks like I will be in training on my birthday.  I am really excited about the last phase of the process and can’t wait to get started on it.
There was discussion about the way we will be treated from the staff members at the various mental health centers.  I was pretty sure that we were not going to be looked upon favorably, but listening to the directors of the program tell me that is how it is going to be, just kind of brought it forward.  They say that for the most part the staff is going to never treat us like we are actual staff and how we are tokens and are more of a charity case.  It was also discussed how the staff members are actually more likely to stigmatize mental illness more than the general public. 
Another issue that the staff might have is the fact that if this new program works, it is possible that their jobs will begin to be filled with more peers rather than mental health workers.  I can understand the fear that might come from that.  I personally would rather sit with my peers because we have a common factor.  My peers can understand that when I say that I just can’t do this anymore, I don’t actually mean I want to kill myself or hurt myself, they know that I am saying that I just need to hear how they either managed to get through what I am going through or how they would go about it.  Information from them seems to go a lot farther with me, than with someone who spent time in a classroom going over what ifs and possible situations that they could come across.
So this Peer Wellness Coach thing is something that is important and needed, and I am so excited to be a huge part of this. If I have to deal with negative staff, then so be it.  Dennis did bring up a good point, like he often does.  He said that if I go into this and expect to be treated negatively, than there is a huge chance that I would be and not for the reasons that I would.  I will try to remember what he said and try to keep my biases in check.
Ok topic change.  I am in Connecticut and OMG it is so pretty where I am right now.  I have no idea where I am exactly, but we are going over some water.  I guess I can understand why people would decide to live here.  Yes I am looking out the window and letting my fingers type away.  I guess I should thank that typing teacher I had in middle school.  Oh ok here we are at a station.  Looks like we are in Old Saybrook.  Interesting name and here at the station is a cemetery that looks major old school with some new stones as well.  My guess is that to live in this area is quite expensive.
So far I have gotten very lucky in the way of not having to share my space.  I really hate when I have to sit next to someone on the train.  When you have to share the space you can’t really use your laptop the way you want to, because it is so easy for that person next to you to read what you are reading and well I would not be able to do this blog.
Denny is going to meet me in Jersey on Monday morning.  I am so glad that I have him and honestly I don’t really share that here enough.  I guess it is because I get to get my frustrations with him out here in print.  So here is where I am going to express that though I have said many negative things about him here in this blog, there is so much more good about him that I don’t share enough.  Here is an example.  Yesterday I was beginning to feel the pressures of transitioning from being on assistance with benefits and SSDI.  I was feeling the stress of the fear that when I do finally get paid, I will actually have less money than I have now, because though I will make more cash, I will have higher expenses that might exceed my extra income.  It is quite scary to know that I am going to have to move, lose my insurance, lose my SSDI, lose my education grants, lose food stamps and have less support that I do at the present because of the lack of medical insurance.  I was asked why than would I choose to do this to myself.  I answered easily, that for two reasons, one that I have always had plans to return back to work and second because I am so excited to be part of this new program and it is what I have been working toward.
Oh right back to Denny, sorry about that, I tend to get side tracked.  Can’t blame me though.  I am sitting here looking out the window and listing to my iPod and just letting my fingers type out the thoughts that are going through my mind.  Remember I warned you ahead of time that this was going to be a completely unplanned blog and they tend to go on a bit.  Ok anyways, so what was it that Denny did that was wicked awesome.
I was on my way back from the meeting and I texted him to see if he wanted to meet.  Little did he know that I really needed to have him take me in his arms and let me feel protected from even my own thoughts.  There was much texting and in the end he told me he was going to an AA meeting and that he was sorry, but he will see me Monday morning.  I was crushed, but I understood that he really can’t just ditch his meeting for me, because they are part of HIS recovery.
So I am home and on my computer, yes playing Farmville and I get a text from him.  He tells me that he is out front and to open the door for him.  He made sure that after his meeting he came straight to my house to ease my anxiety and help me feel like I am protected.  There was a time back in the day that I needed this feeling from him all the friggin time.  I wonder how he took that all the time.  I try to not seem so needy any more.  I don’t want him to think that he has to be my caregiver.  We have moved past that years ago and I know it is so easy to revert back to that.  It is pretty kewl though that I don’t have tell him all the time what I need, he just seems to have a sense that comes to him.
He ended up sitting with me and talking with me.  We sat together with no distractions.  That is a rare occurrence actually.  Denny is a big media guy.  He loves his TV, movies, and computer and is usually in front of one of those.  Last night though, after quite some time just holding each other, we sat across from one another and talked about some issues that important.  For me it was about the fears I have with the new job and such, and sadness over my father.  For him it was the impending eviction of his roommate, his job and his own mother and brothers’ health.  Is we talked I could not help but think how far we have come from the days of (side note…I am New Haven now) me being dependent on him for everything, and him allowing and encouraging me to be like that.  It is great that we both know the rules we played during that time and how our illnesses played a big part in that.  I am not saying that I am completely “cured” of co-dependence, but I am more aware of what is healthy and what is not.
I am guessing that I am halfway to Metropark train stop in Jersey.  Once I get there I have to walk to my Dad’s, which is only about a fifteen minute walk.  I am going to take my time and maybe even stop at the Quick Check on the way.  This is not a good trip.  I know I have said it before, but honestly I think this might be my last one until my Dad passes away.  He is really weak right now and I think I am going to let him know that if he is fighting for our feeling, he doesn’t have to.  I know that is what is going on with him, since everytime I call him he says how sorry he is that he is disappointing me and my brother.  With my brother out camping, I can really get a chance to talk with my father and let him know that it is perfectly ok that he can let himself relax and not have to fight so hard.  I will reassure him that I will keep an eye on my brother and I will make sure that my brother is not left alone in this world.  I know that is a big fear for my father, as you all do, since I have expressed this quite often.  I have resigned myself as my brother’s only real connection to a family.  I know that in a way I have always known that in the end my brother would somehow become my responsibility.  I know he is an adult, but honestly he has a mental illness and I should after all share the compaction I have for others to him, my only brother.
It is going to be another one of those conversations that you don’t want t have but you know you have to.  I have to help him to understand also that the regrets he feels about my brother and me are not as hard for us that he feels it is.  I am hoping that I can help him to have less of a regretful mind.  For the last few months he has expressed how these thoughts of his are in his dreams as well.  He seems to be stuck in the 70’s.  It amazes me that one person can really destroy so many people in their path.  I saw my mother before she passed as you all know and the months before her death she didn’t have one quarter of the regrets that my father has.  It doesn’t seem fair to me that my father is suffering silently with regrets that didn’t originate from him in the first place.  In my mind I feel as though he is just as much a casualty as me and my siblings were.  The only difference between my father and us was the fact that he picked the person he wanted to spend his time with and we didn’t have a choice.  Maybe that is what he really has the regrets about.  The fact that he made that first choice to cause a bunch of dominos to fall?
Here we are twelve years after the death of my sister and I know that she and her death is at the fore front of his mind.  I could not even imagine having to live through the death of a child.  I was surprised how my mother seemed to handle it so well, while my father still to this day, suffers in silence.  I remember looking at my mother to find hints of this same look my father has.  The look that shows you have a hurt that will not go away.  My mother had something but not like my dad’s.  Her’s was like a look that seems like a selfish thought.  I try to think that I have read her wrong, but that look was not much different than the one that I saw all my life as a kid, when my sister was still alive.
Ok I decided to look over at this page and was surprised to find so little mistakes.  I corrected them and am going to sign off because apparently I have three pages of thoughts down.  If you actually made it down this far, congrats to that!  Pretty sure you all know this, but the picture above is the route I am taking.  TTFN

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

First Phase Complete!




On the 15th I will be heading back to New Jersey.  Dad is really starting to show signs of weakness.  I can hear it in his voice when I call him.  I pretty much call him every day and can really hear the difference in his voice since I had last visited.  I really didn’t want to go back and I know some people would disagree with me, but that was a few blogs ago and I am not going to get back into that.  The main reason why I am going is because my brother was invited to go on a weekend camping/fishing trip and I am making him go.  That is right, I am making him go.  He goes away very rarely and the fact that someone invited him is amazing in itself. 

Each time I talk to my brother, he is always saying that everything is lousy and for the most part he is completely right.  I know I could not handle going home every day and slowly watching my father fade away before my eyes.  I told him he better go and take a mental health break.  At first he was like no he didn’t want to go and stated that he didn’t like to fish.  After explaining to him that it was important that he gets away he said that it might be kewl to sit by the lake and just watch the water move.  I get that totally and finally he agreed as long as I went down there rather than have an aid stay with him.  Without hesitation I agreed, because after all, I am not the one that deals with the gloominess every day.  I get to go about my life and not have it right in my face.  Yes I feel what is going on, but it is easier for me to find a distraction.

My only fear is that during that weekend, if dad passes, I wonder if my brother will ever go away again.  I wonder if somehow he will blame me for making him go and him not being able to say good bye to my father the way he wanted to. 

Before my mom died I called my brother to have him be able to have some kind of closure with her, but because eleven years passed without them talking, it was awkward and neither one of them knew what to say.  After she died and I was at my dad’s house, my brother confided in me that he wished he had told her that he was sorry that he was a bad son.  I have no guilt on that one, because I told him well in advance that I was going to call him while I was with her and he could have formulated that out and said it to her.  I have no guilt, but I do feel for him.  I told him that he was not a bad son and why I believed it to be so, but that didn’t ease his mind.  Well I tried and even fibbed a bit.  So that one is on him.

Dennis is going to meet me in New Jersey on Monday morning and he will stay for three days.  He has always wanted to go to Philly and well it is pretty close, so I figure that I will take him there on Monday.  Tuesday I am thinking I will show him what a true boardwalk is like.  I think that I will take him to Seaside Heights.  Then on Wednesday we will both head back, but he might head up to his mom’s in upstate New York.  I don’t think that I can go with him because now that I finished my first part of training and passed that test, it is time for me to find an internship and begin that phase of the process.  Even though he has vacation, I really don’t.

Ok, it has been a while since I updated you all on my school.  Well, I signed up for my classes for fall and I will be taking Human Anatomy & Physiology, World Lit to 16th Century and Jazz History.  I am not looking forward to this semester, but I think I should do alright since I am only taking nine credits instead of twelve.  I am super excited because Denny is going to take Jazz History with me.  I didn’t think he would be too interested, but when we were talking about new activities he could do now that he is sober and looking to find new outlooks, I mentioned that I had to take a music class and he asked which one.  I told him that I am not too sure, but maybe Jazz History, he then said that he might be interested in attending a class like that one.  I am way excited to be taking a class with him and this one seems like it might be fun.

If everything goes right, I will be done at the community college next May and will begin at the state college in the following fall.  You have no idea how great that is going to be.  Even with all the pitfalls, I managed to finish half of my education and that would mean that I stuck through something, for basically the first time in my life.  I don’t really share that excitement with anyone, I kind of act nonchalant about it, but wow I am soooooo excited.  I will finally have proof that I can do something and do it pretty well. 

I really think that my new goal setting is working for me.  I know the big goal and it sits in the back of my mind, but I focus on the little stuff that will lead me to the big goal.  Believe it or not but the first small goal I gave myself was getting out of bed, then going out of the house, taking a bus, then volunteering somewhere and so on.  From getting out of bed to beginning to volunteering actually took me months to accomplish, but I did it and new goals were added and now here I am, years later, and I am in my last two semesters at the community college.  Yeah that feels real good, now that I write it out.

So my new small goals are, finish the last two semesters, continue on with the Peer Wellness Coaching, and move back in with Denny.  Not bad and amazing how big these goals would have seemed back in 2008 when I was fighting to get myself out of bed.  I think that is why I like working with peers, because I can share where I have been and not make it seem like that is the way it will always be, I can tell them how I got to where I am and how I am going to get to where I want.  What an awesome feeling to share that with someone and they take it in and run with it.

Oh and in case you’re wondering what my BIG goal is, I want to have a Master’s degree in Social Work and work with my peers using my experience and book knowledge to show how they can see that having goals are not a wish, but an actual possibility if they want to take the time and work into it, and deal with the fears as they come, rather than piling them up and make succeeding seem impossible.

Lastly, the picture above was taken during my emersion from my house back in 2008.  Once in a while, when I am feeling like I just can’t do it any longer and want to crawl into my bed and just die there or I get suicidal thoughts, I look through my photos and search this picture out.  If you look closely you can see the snow between the screen door and the door jam.  To me, snow is a sign of freshness and as you can see from the door it is weathered and tired looking.  To me it is me emerging from the doom into the clear fresh me.  Well anyways have a good one.  TTFN

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Loser




I figured since I was wide awake here at 1:30am and waiting for a video to upload on YouTube, I would write a blog.  I finished my training for Peer Wellness, and took the test on Friday.  I am not sure how I did; most of the questions were write-in.  I was really hoping for multiple choice, but it didn’t work out that way.  Now I have to apply for my internship and just found out on Friday that I can’t apply at the mental health center that I go to.  I am pretty disappointed in that, but I can understand why. 

Soon I should be training for the Coach part of my new job.  That training will only be four days and it is paid.  That training will be to satisfy the insurance companies so I will be able to bill them.  I am excited for this new opportunity, but I am scared, because with this new job, I will lose almost or maybe all of the benefits I receive now.  

The big one is medical.  I don’t know how I am going to afford it on my own and there is the whole pre-existing condition to worry about.  The good thing about getting my own insurance though, is being able to have a larger choice of doctors and therapist.  I think I have out grown my mental health center and am ready to move on to just a therapist and med doctor.  I have not used the case manager part of my treatment in almost a year. 

Also because my housing is provided by my mental health center, I know that I have to move, but I discussed this in my previous entry.  My worry is that I will not have much time to work out finding a nice place for Denny and I and have to take the first available apartment we find or worse yet, move in to the place he lives at now, where I used to live with him.

Alright, I told you all that I would talk a bit about the roommate Denny has now.  I will try to keep it quick, but be warned, there is sooooo much about this free loading bastard that bothers me.

Let’s start out by saying that he has not paid for rent since August.  Yes, people that is right, he has been living completely rent free for nine months.  I know it is Denny’s responsibility to make this dumbass pay, but because Denny is so damn good natured, he can’t bring himself to do anything about it.  My God it aggravates me to no end.  I wonder how a person could blatantly walk around so casual knowing that they are totally free loading off of another person.  I would feel sick inside.  When I lived with Denny I paid and I got shit for money, not like this guy gets much, but it is more per month than I got back then. 

So right now this shit gets free rent, cable, internet, heat, hot water, food, electric, phone and basic supplies like toilet paper and laundry soap.  He can’t even clean anything.  One time Denny left this ass’ dishes sitting in the sink and they sat and piled up for three friggin weeks.  I couldn’t take it no more and went off on him.  Yes he actually fears me, but yet he tries to get between Denny and me.  I know he is or was trying to put a wedge between the two of us, because he know that I know what he is all about.  He placates me all the time.  He tries to act like is my friend, but I know it is because he is trying to save his place in the house.

His job is a joke!  I don’t know his title or the exact name of his own business, but I can explain it to you all.  He calls people for donations to the VFW here in the area and when someone donates he goes and collects it.  The area he works at is a vacation spot for the rich.  Most of his business is done in the spring and summer.  So you might be wondering, how does he make money doing that?  He gets 40 fucking percent of what he brings in.  That alone is fucked up!!!  At first when I heard this, I was thinking he was covering up for a drug dealing business, but believe or not it is true.  That is messed up!!! Say you donate $100, 40 of that goes into the grubby hands of someone else.  That alone pisses me off.

Ok so the reason I shared this.  I was talking to him in the winter (his off season) and told him that he should look for something else.  I told him it was easy as hell to work in a restaurant or a convenience store and that frigging bastard said that it would be lowing himself to do that.  What the fuck is shit.  Money is money, shit I worked at Wendy’s, Mickey D’s and Cumberland Farms.  So basically that ass is telling me that I am lower than him.  Hummmm.  I think he has that wrong.  I pay my bills.  I have no problem working where I receive money.  Even when the government says that I don’t have to work, I am finding my way to do so.  So what the fuck is he talking about.  Ok that was point two in the reasons why I don’t like him.

Last and final point. I currently live in an area that is quite urban.  Yes I find it a bit scary to walk around at night, but I get that way at Denny’s as well.  I am a woman after all, and well you just never know.  One time Denny and I were in a cab and when I gave the driver my address he referred to the area as clown town.  Since then, that dumbass makes jokes about where I live and how he could never walk around there even during the day.  Now here is something funny.  About two blocks from my apartment is the local huge homeless shelter and one time that this ass drove me home he asked me what it was.  LOL.  I said he should really know what it is because he is going to need to know someday.  Oh the look I got from him was priceless.

Oh yeah I have to tell you the most recent thing that happened.  I decided to tell him that Denny and I are in the process of getting set to find a new apartment and was clear in telling him that the new apartment would just be for Denny and I.  He was taken aback a bit and said he was surprised.  I reminded him that the only reason I moved out in the first place was because of Denny’s drinking and now that he is sober for over a year I am pretty confident that he is serious about his sobriety.  He then says he is worried about Denny’s upcoming visit with his college friends, because as he puts it, “they are pretty good drinkers.”  I was like what!!! So this asshole would find a way to make sure that Denny starts drinking again just so he can remain in the apartment.  You know what, I would not put it past him to do something like that.  After all, the dumbass is a drinker himself. 


Ok all done and sorry about just going on and on about a douche bag.  Oh and the picture above is the douche.  Figured that you all would want to have a face to go with the rant about him.  Ok enough or I will go on and on with all his stupid shit.  At least Denny finally said something to him today about all his shit he brought into the house and the fact that he has not paid, since the douche pretends it is not an issue.  Ok seriously, I am done! TTFN