Alphabe-Thursday – Love and Loss

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is L. So here goes…

Though this entry is part of a prompt, I decided that I would dedicate this entry to those that I have lost and loved.

This first person that I am sharing with you all is not actually someone I have ever met in person; he is someone I have grown up to know through those that had lost him.  I guess you can say he was my Uncle Freddie.  His picture is below.  He died when my mom was around six in 1945 in the Staten Island Bay.  He himself was about nine years old at the time of his death. 

The reason why I added him to this list is because I have grown up knowing the pain of loss of a son and brother, and the guilt that ravaged through those that had lost him.  Gram was his mother, mom was one of his younger sisters, and my Aunt Gloria was his older sister. For my gram it was the guilt that her as a mother could nothing to save him.  For my aunt it was the guilt that she even carried through til she died, (we found journals) that she chose not to go out in the water with him and keep him closer to shore. 

For mom though it was not the guilt, it was more of a fear.  I was a swimmer growing up and basically lived in the water.  Because of her fear, she never could watch me swim or dive.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for my dad, I would have never known the wonderful feeling of swimming. 

The first person that I loved and lost was my gramp.  He passed away in August of 1986 and as sick as he was, he made sure that he attended my high school graduation.  I used to remember how he didn’t say much.  He had a serious speech problem.  Since I did as well, we always felt that we had that in common. Actually my friends were always like, “Huh, what did he say?”  Guess I really didn’t notice it too much because well he was my gramp and I totally understood him.  Anyways, when he did talk, OMG did he totally have wits.  So Here are a few shots of him as I remember him. 

You could always find Gramp on the floor playing anything we were, as long as he could of course!

In the spring of 2000 my sister Tammy (she was the girl in the I Alphabe-Thursday) had a heart attack that left her a coma.  She remained like that throughout the summer, until she passed away that September at the age of 40. 

I had never had a really close relationship with my mother and for the most part, Tammy was the mother that my mother should have been.  She really got me and encouraged me to never change and just be who I was.  For every negative thing I said about myself, she was right there to point out all the positive things about me.

Out of the losses that I will share here, this one was by far the hardest one that I have ever had to live through.  Two years after her death to almost the day, I had a complete breakdown.  I am not saying that it was the lost alone that caused my breakdown, but I believe it was the final straw in a large pile of it.  Even today, I work on climbing those stairs from the pit I had fallen into ten years ago. Below are various shots of my sister Tammy.

This is one of the last pictures I have of my sister before she passed away.

This picture was my mom's favorite.  My brother Tommy, me and Tammy.

Tammy and I really didn't have much in common, but riding was one thing we did.

May of 2008, my mother’s sister Gloria passed away.  I had grown up knowing that my aunt was gay, even though she never expressed it to anyone in the family.  It was just something that we knew and we didn’t know how we knew.  Well everyone except for my mother who was completely clueless. 

I remember loving the fact that Aunt Gloria was free to be a forever tomboy and no one questioned her.  My mother resented the fact that I was never ever going to be the kina girl that enjoyed dressing up or doing girlie things like my sister.  My Aunt though, she like my sister, encouraged me to do what I like and not care what others thought about it. 

When my mother and I drove to Ipswich, MA to go to my Aunt’s memorial service, my mom told me that only a couple years earlier, my aunt told my mom that she was gay.  When my mom said that she had no idea, I had to laugh, not because my aunt was gay, but because my mom was way clueless or wore some really big blinders on her eyes.  I think about the courage that it must have taken for my aunt to tell my mom and the others she shared with.  I couldn’t even imagine the turmoil that was going on inside of her having been born in such a time as hers and I thank God that women and men today can be open and not have to go through all that Aunt Gloria had to go through. 

Here a picture of my Aunt as I remember her.

This was my Aunt Gloria, Me and her son David

For years my gram suffered from Alzheimer’s and on my son’s birthday in November of 2009 gram passed away.  It was also while my mother was in the hospital for her first surgery for lung cancer.  It was one of the worst months of my life.  I was in Florida already and having to clean out my grandmother’s things was not something that I had planned on. 

Gram was GREAT!!!  I loved her to pieces and I know, most people totally love their grams, but I am telling you, gram had a true heart of gold.  Gram used to be the one to express to me that mom had her own issues and that a lot of the things that mom said or did to me was because of issues she herself were dealing with.  She always reminded me that mom never gave me a chance to really get to know.  Gram also reminded me that mom loved me and honestly it was hard for mom to look at me and kind of see the things she didn’t like about herself in me.  Now I am not saying that gram would sit me down and tell me these things, because we really didn’t.  Actually I can only pinpoint one time there was an actual sit down discussion with gram.  It was more like I would be walking passed her or helping her cook and she would shot out something that really made me think. 

Gram used to take a grandchild a week during the summer and boy did we totally look forward to that, because that meant alone time with gram.  Since I was the youngest, my time was extended at the years rolled on.  Often I got to go to Bradley Beach, NJ with her and it was such a good time.  One day I will write much more on my gram, but sadly this is extra-long and well I am not sure anyone is still reading.

As sad as I was of her death, it was so much easier than my sister’s, because it was something that we were fully aware was going to happen.  We had time to gather our thoughts about it.  Below is a shot of gram as I remember her.

This is me, Gram and Tammy.  We were trying to get her on our horse Storm, but she chose the other one instead.  I never could understand that, Storm was a much easier ride.

This past January mom finally lost her battle with cancer.  This was something that figured was going to happen.  Though I was not over close to my mother, I did love her and part of me thinks she knew that, or at least I would like to believe she did. 

When I went to visit her for the last time, her friend asked me to ease my mother’s guilt on her parenting.  I really had a hard time with this and thankfully her friend asked me before I made the trip south.  After some serious thought about wanting to make her feel better and me not lying to her, I came to a very good thing to say to her.  I basically thanked her for being the best mother that she had the ability to be.  I was scared that she might take it the wrong way, but she didn’t, in fact she looked at me and asked if I was sure and I said yes as I watched a small smile cross her face.

That is pretty much all that I am going to say about my mother, because, well there are many blogs where I have expressed my feeling about her.  Below is a photo of my mom during my life time.

There is only two pictures of just me and my mom and I think I like this one best.

Lastly is my dad.  Dad has not passed away yet, but he is in hospice care, and well he is not doing well at all.  I added him to the list here because in a way I have lost him already.  He is not at all the same man that I grew up with.  Like my gram, my brother and I have come to terms what is going to happen soon and basically we both have begun the morning stage already.  It has been a very sad year for the both of us and honestly we have a cloud of sadness hovering for both our parents.  Having lost my mother and the near loss of my father, my brother and I have realized that there really is just the two of us and my son left. 

Below is a picture of my dad in better times.

Me and Dad at his 50th birthday, wow like 28yrs ago.  

God bless you if you got this far.  I know it was long, but it was something that I wanted to do anyways and since the letter was "L" I figured, why not.  Anyways have a good one.

Smokie’s Kitten: A Fun Memory - Warning...Pet Story

Last chance to ditch!

My sister Tammy had always wanted a Persian cat and my parents got her a female one we called Smokie.  Now honestly I seriously don’t remember getting the cat, but I sure remember her kitten, so this story will be about that kitten that we named Ugly. 

We all knew when Smokie was in heat, because she would meow so friggin loud and it sounded just like she was screaming, “I wanna go out!” Well apparently she must have gotten out and had some fun with Grandpa (a cat that wondered its way to our house before Smokie came to us).

I remember one night we were watching Wild Kingdom and out of the blue my mom questioned about how long it was since we heard Smokie screaming.  I remember that Tammy went and got her and she gave my dad a look like, “oh no.”  Dad was always for adding new furry friends to our already bursting furry family members, but it was mom that the “oh no” was for.  Mom was forever wincing each time we brought in a new furry member. Mom actually took it pretty well and soon enough it was delivery day. 

Smokie didn’t know what to do with her kittens as she walked everywhere dropping them out of her where ever they landed.  This of course was the straw with my mom.  Tammy was quick on the draw though.  She tried as quickly as she could to rescue all four of the kittens, but sadly only one made it, and that was Ugly. 

When Ugly started to look like a kitten it was quite noticeable that this kitten was plain old ugly, so my brother Tommy decided that would be her name.  She had the flat nose like a Persian but was a full Calico like Grandpa.  Her face was black, brown, grey and white.  There was real color to her.  She had her mother’s bluish look, but only mixed in with all the other colors that her father had.  But honestly, she was so ugly she was adorable.

As Ugly grew she became so playful and a true joy to have around.  As much as Tammy tried to teach Smokie to take care of the kitten, Smokie never took to it, and Tammy became her mother.  Each night when all of us went to sleep we had animals sharing the beds with us.  Tammy had the most, with Inkie her beagle, Smokie and Ugly.  I had my Koko a mutt that I have shared about in this blog somewhere.  And my brother had the cat from hell named Marsha (Anyone have a clue where that name came from. Oh and one day I will tell you all about the cat from hell who would never go away). 

Anyways as Ugly grew older she began to wander during the night and sometimes we could not find her.  Many times we would find her in shoes, boxes and (her favorite) purses.  We began to stop looking because she always came out when she was hungry.

Well one morning we woke up and didn’t see her.  Mom was in a major hurry and said good bye and grabbed her briefcase and purse and ran out the door. (In case you don’t remember or know, the purses in the ‘70’s were huge!) 

We started to get concerned around afternoon about the kitten and it was at that time that mom called from work.  She asked if we were missing anything and right away Tommy (he answered the phone) said that we had been looking everywhere for Ugly.  I remember that he started to laugh major and Tammy and I looked at each other because we knew exactly where Ugly was at that moment, with mom at the office!

This is how mom told the story about what happened at the office.  She was late for a meeting and dropped her purse in her office and ran out the door.  All during the day she heard chatter from outside about a kitten that was roaming around.  Finally she stepped out to find her secretary with Ugly in her arms.  Mom had said that she could not believe that Ugly didn’t come out in the half hour long car ride or even made a sound. 

We heard about this story from mom employees for years and each time it was a huge laugh, even bigger, because that was the day that Ugly found a new home.  Honestly if I had not seen mom leave that day, I would have sworn that she planned it, but I know she didn’t. 

Below are some pictures of the pets that I mentioned in this blog.  Sorry but there are no pictures of Ugly, because she just wasn’t around long enough, sadly like many of our part-time pets.  Someday I will write about how those came to be as well.  TTFN

Tammy with Smokie on her lap and yes that is me in my PJ's in the background.

Dad trying to tame the cat from hell, but Marsha was having none of it.

Inkie keeping a watchful eye on my brother like she did with every kind of little one.

Tommy and Mom with Koko back in the 80's.

I went to give Koko a kiss and she caught me dead on with a lick, yuck!

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus - Dog Days of Summer

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus - The prompt this week is a picture prompt.  And this is going to be a rhyming week.

So...

Number of words: 100 words.

Style of writing: Poetry
Pictures: No additional

Ok here goes my attempt…

A home this dog could not find

But most days he didn’t seem to mind

Today though, he felt so full of grime

With the sun so bright

Even with all his might

There was no food in sight

Up and down the streets he roamed

He felt his mouth as it foamed

His mind raced with thoughts of being homed

Just ahead his eyes hit the ground

There was a mound

Made just for a hound

This huge wet mountain of ice

Seemed really nice

Without hesitation he fell

He wanted to yell

“Oh Hell, this is just swell!”

I don't usually write poems, well because I am not much of a poet, but this was my try for today.  Have a great weekend!

Alphabe-Thursday – Kid

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is K. So here goes…

I don’t really share much about my son (Kid) here, but being that today is the letter K, I could not resist.  He is most definitely someone to be proud of.  And I will briefly share why.

He is 21 and he works fulltime at a very good job, maintains good grades at college full time, maintains his apartment that he shares with girlfriend and he pays all his own bills.  He gets no money help from anyone for his apartment, car, and education. He is very respectful and courteous to other people. 

He treats his girlfriend like a princess and you can see how well when you see them together.  Just so as not to leave his girlfriend out, she is doing the same as him, with working full time and attending college fulltime.  They are great together and they both seem generally happy together. 

My son is someone a mother could for sure be proud to call her son.  The picture above is from a group of shots I took of the both of them when they came to visit last month.  The pictures below are of him growing up.  Hope you enjoy.

A beautiful boy is born Nov 1990

Pre-School

At one of many air shows with Grandpa at around 6 yrs

A funny 9 yr old

An 11th Birthday

At around 13 yrs with mom

At around 14 yrs

15 yrs

17 yrs

On his own at 19 yrs

21st Birthday

Saturday Centus – One Loss Leads to Others

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus

The prompt this week is:  "PLEASE REMIT YOUR PAYMENT PROMPTLY!'
Number of words: 100 words PLUS the five words of the prompt. 

105 maximum word total.

Style of writing: Any
Pictures: Any 

So here goes…

She sat out the window, watching her small children playing in the backyard.  Looking down she saw the words leap out of the paper, “PLEASE REMIT YOUR PAYMENT PROMPTLY!”

Tears began to fall as she again watched out the window.  The death of her husband and the loss of his income was now the loss of her children’s security of knowing they had a home.  She wondered why they never got around to buying the life insurance.

In slow motion, she brought her laptop closer and typed in, “apartments Edison NJ.” Her only hope was that her own income could provide enough money for rent.

Alphabe-Thursday – Justme

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is J. So here goes…

I am Justme.  It is funny really for me to choose this for my entry.  When I first started online I made all my screen names justme6790.  At the time I was quite depressed all the time and when I chose that screen name I meant just what it said.  Justme.  Like I was no different than anyone else.  Like there was no reason to care what I do anywhere in my life. 

Well here I am quite a few years later and well I am still Justme, but it is a better just me than previous.  I say I am unique and different as anyone is. So now when I think of my old screen name I think that I am Justme being who I am and I am OK!

Guided Imagery – Seasons

For years I have enjoyed writing guided imageries and recently I played around with one of my previous writings and well I decided that I would share it here.  It is not as good as when it is read to you, but if you make sure that you have a quiet space while reading, you might have an enjoyable trip.  Let me know what you think. So here goes…

 You feel the wind as it circles around you while walking through a forest in the mid-afternoon.

You can see the vivid colors of yellow, gold, orange and red moving in the trees above you.

Beneath your feet you can hear the crunching of the fallen leaves.

With each step you take you can hear the faint but noticeable crunching.

As you look above at the large tree above you, you can see one bright maroon leaf has left its host.

Your eyes follow this leaf as it circles up and down as the wind carries it.

It finally lands on the ground next to a dull yellow dandelion, which grows between the cracks of large broken rock.

You reach for the dandelion and pick it, noticing the white liquid that quickly forms at the breakage point in the stem.

Though you know the dandelion has no scent, you bring it up to your nose and can feel its petals tickle your nose as you inhale deeply.

Bringing the flower to your cheek, your eyes close as you feel the valor blanket touch your face.

Your body begins to warm as this valor feeling begins to envelop your body, and you realize that this flower has become a blanket wrapped tightly around you, nice and warm and comforting.

Looking toward your right you see a small cottage with leaves all around the yard.

You walk closer to this cottage, hearing the faint crunches of the leaves and little cracks of the small twigs beneath your feet.

Without hesitation you reach for the round cool doorknob of this welcoming cottage.

As you turn the doorknob you can feel the click of the lock opening.

You can feel the warmth of the fire in the fireplace before you, as you open the door.

The smell of burning pine fills your nose

Your exposed face feels the instant dryness of the fire and brings warmth down your spine and up your scalp.

Light popping sounds are heard from the fire and they travel through your ears as if playing to a melody.

On the small table to your left you see a mug steaming.

You reach for the mug with your right hand and bring it toward your face.

You are greeted with white billowy whipped cream.

The aroma of cocoa surrounds your nose.

Your head falls slightly to the cup and you lightly blow and take a sip.

You find that it is hot, but a perfect hot.

You let the cocoa rest in your mouth allowing all your taste buds to taste the rich sweet chocolate.

You take a swallow

Letting the warmness of the chocolate travel down slowly, keeping your warm, even down to your toes.

You bring your tongue to clean your whipped cream lips

A slight tap at the window brings your attention to it.

As if by magic, fall has turned into winter.

Walking closer to the window with the mug between your hands, you can see light puffy snow has taken over the forest.

The trees that held such beautiful leaves just moments earlier, now housed small mound of puffy snow on its branches.

In one branch you notice a small bird with a black cap and bib with white sides to the face. 

The smell of apples and cinnamon fills your nostrils

You look down at your cup instinctively

The mug in your hand has changed to a clear tall tea cup

There you see a cinnamon stick sticking out of the steaming yellow brownish liquid that you know to be apple cider.

The smell gets stronger as you bring the tea cup closer to your mouth.

The tastes of apple, cloves, cinnamon and brown sugar hits your tongue and the juices of your own saliva and cider join together, creating a blast in your mouth.

You find yourself stirring the cinnamon stick and taking a sip again and again, slowly and methodically as you watch the bird singing its tune of its various outbursts of notes.

With the last sip you close your eyes and bend your head back to capture the last drop.

As your eyes slowly open you can see that the large window before you has created a new picture of vivid greens and bold colors of spring.

You drop the blanket at your feet and head for the door.

Rain drops could still be seen on the leaves, grass and flower buds back outside.

You see that the bird has found a small puddle and is vigorously cleaning himself under his wings.

As you come closer to a tree you are drawn to one leaf with a larger rain drop hanging on and you see your own reflection in the water.

You watch as this drop slowly descends from the leaf and watch as it drops to your feet in a puddle and disappears.

Your eyes become fixed on the puddle below.

Again you can see your reflection

You bend down slowly.

You place your forefinger in the center of the puddle and slowly move your finger in a side to side movement.

You watch as the ripples grow larger and larger.

The feeling of the sun has grown warmer against the top of your head.

You begin to feel the warmness on your exposed skin.

Looking up you see the flowers have grown and opened with the bright sun.

Our eyes are drawn to a bush of blue dots in the distance

You walk toward it and realize that the bush is full of ripe blueberries.

You reach for one and pop it in your mouth and bite down

Letting it pop in your mouth

You begin eating more until you see that there is just too many for you to eat them all

A nice breeze hits your cheek and you close your eyes as you bring your face to it.

Opening your eyes now you see that you are where you began, with the dandelion, now brightened against your cheek.

Alphabe-Thursday – Inkie

My first attempt at Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’sblog.  So here goes…

Growing up we had many pets.  Some we only housed until another home could be found for them.  We had those that remained their whole lifetime.  One remained most of my sister’s childhood and the beginning of mine.  She was the best beagle ever.  Her name was Inkie.  The name, like many of the name we chose, came from the mind of a really young child.  Tammy, my sister, was quite young when my parent got her.  Tammy and Inkie shared one common factor.  Both of them were firsts. Tammy was the first child and Inkie was the first dog of the household. 

Everyone in the house knew that Inkie belonged to Tammy and Inkie knew she belonged to her as well.  With so many beds in the house, it was always Tammy’s bed you would find Inkie on at night. 

For every baby animal we found in the field across our house, Inkie became its adopted mother.  Since we children were all adopted we felt as though in some way she also adopted us younger kids.  She fit into the role so easily and we didn’t need to tell her to do it. 

So when I saw that the letter was I, it only took me a second to think of Inkie.  I know this is short and there is so much more to say about this wonderful dog, but I wanted to keep this entry brief. 

Hope you all enjoy the photos Inkie in no particular order... 

She was so much part of the family that she was included in portraits 

First day at home

That is a bird on my sister's nose

Same photo shoot

In color

With Gram and Gramp and Tammy and Tommy

All pictures with my sister

There is that bird

There she sits, the always watchful mother

Last one