For the past month I have been struggling with my mental illness. Well actually more than that amount of time, but seriously been having problems that have been hard to manage over the last month. I am not saying that it is over, because it is not. I am so scared though. I know that is weak to say, but it is true. This seems to following my usual path and the end of the pathway is not a very bright one. I suppose I can look at how I have been able to bounce back each time. It is just that I am so friggin tired of this shit, seriously.
I am so great at faking my true feelings with everyone that sometimes it is hard to turn it off and really share what I am feeling. At this point I wonder if I really feel anything. I wouldn’t know how to describe my emotions, because I really don’t know where I am at. What makes this past statement sad is that I am a relatively bright person, but to not know how to express my emotions is just crazy. Honestly, I don’t even know the difference between emotions and feelings. Is that sad or what! Maybe if I understood those concepts better, than maybe perhaps I could share myself better to the powers that be and get the correct help I need.
I know I have not shared with you all why I am scared. This is hard but here it goes. Right now I am kind of looking forward to learning in my classes, so I want to see what the next day brings. When I say kind of, I mean just that. Right now it is an iffy thing, from moment to moment and is still controlled well by me. Ok now to the scary part. When I reach my low of low, I lose all sense of all that I look forward to and I can’t see those things that are important to me. I feel as though it would be better for everyone I know to be able to say good bye to me and be able to live their lives without worrying whether I am going to be ok or not. I also have an impulse control issue when I am sick and those two don’t mix.
I know my cycles and I see that I am close to the point of no return. I feel as though I have to do something about. I tried to do something this past week and it has not worked. Not like I was expecting a miracle cure or anything, but God it would have been nice to see some sort of progress. I saw myself faking it to get out of the situation, rather than dealing with the issues. MY GOD WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!
My school work is suffering because of this and the sad part about that is, I don’t seem to care. I am not failing or anything, but I am not doing the best that I could either. I have got to get out of this funk, but my defense blockers are all around me big time.
No picture today, because frankly I really don’t feel like looking around for one. I am hoping that my mood can turn around sometime real soon. F the spring, for me a time of triggers. Hope you all are doing better than me right now. TTFN