Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Entry for March 27, 2011 F It

For the past month I have been struggling with my mental illness.  Well actually more than that amount of time, but seriously been having problems that have been hard to manage over the last month.  I am not saying that it is over, because it is not.  I am so scared though.  I know that is weak to say, but it is true.  This seems to following my usual path and the end of the pathway is not a very bright one.  I suppose I can look at how I have been able to bounce back each time.  It is just that I am so friggin tired of this shit, seriously.

I am so great at faking my true feelings with everyone that sometimes it is hard to turn it off and really share what I am feeling.  At this point I wonder if I really feel anything.  I wouldn’t know how to describe my emotions, because I really don’t know where I am at.  What makes this past statement sad is that I am a relatively bright person, but to not know how to express my emotions is just crazy. Honestly, I don’t even know the difference between emotions and feelings.  Is that sad or what!  Maybe if I understood those concepts better, than maybe perhaps I could share myself better to the powers that be and get the correct help I need.

I know I have not shared with you all why I am scared.  This is hard but here it goes.  Right now I am kind of looking forward to learning in my classes, so I want to see what the next day brings.  When I say kind of, I mean just that.  Right now it is an iffy thing, from moment to moment and is still controlled well by me.  Ok now to the scary part.  When I reach my low of low, I lose all sense of all that I look forward to and I can’t see those things that are important to me.  I feel as though it would be better for everyone I know to be able to say good bye to me and be able to live their lives without worrying whether I am going to be ok or not.  I also have an impulse control issue when I am sick and those two don’t mix. 

I know my cycles and I see that I am close to the point of no return.  I feel as though I have to do something about.  I tried to do something this past week and it has not worked.  Not like I was expecting a miracle cure or anything, but God it would have been nice to see some sort of progress.  I saw myself faking it to get out of the situation, rather than dealing with the issues.  MY GOD WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

My school work is suffering because of this and the sad part about that is, I don’t seem to care.  I am not failing or anything, but I am not doing the best that I could either.  I have got to get out of this funk, but my defense blockers are all around me big time. 

No picture today, because frankly I really don’t feel like looking around for one.  I am hoping that my mood can turn around sometime real soon.  F the spring, for me a time of triggers. Hope you all are doing better than me right now.  TTFN