Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Taking a Semester Off Maybe?

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last couple of months.  So what am I thinking?  Well I think it might be in my best interest at this moment to take a semester off at school.  This last semester I finished fairly well actually.  Didn’t do as well as I would have liked, but that was all on me.  My grades were as follows: Physics – B, Intro to Social Work – B+, and Biology A.  Now these are pretty fine grades actually, but honestly, I didn’t give my school work the all I usually do.  My mind was busy with other things.  At this point I know that I will not be able to do my best and feel that I should take the break until September.

So what is on my mind at this time, you might ask.  Well I have both my parents sick and that weighs heavy on my mind.  I also know that when I head out to Florida to visit with mom for the final time, I will not be in the greatest shape.  That visit is going to be quite difficult, because I know that I will not be able to share with her exactly how I feel.  I will help her to have closure and be able to relax enough to let her die.  I know I am sounding cold and well at this moment if I can restrain myself, it might just well be for the best all around.

I know she is going to ask me if I feel she was a good mother, and well I will tell her yes, but at the same time I will be lying out of my ass.  Some people would wonder why I would lie to her that way.  The best answer I have is basically this; she will have no outlet to speak what she feels like I can.  I know her well enough to know that she needs to have some sort of peace with herself before she dies, and it is because of my compassionate side that I will do my best to give her the peace she needs. 

I do wonder though, if I can forgive myself for not taking one last chance in finding out what it was about me that she disliked.  Why was it so important for her to pretend at times to like me, but yet find every single fault in me and even faults that I didn’t have, but yet in her mind I did?  I wonder also, why if she didn’t like me, why she tried so hard to adopt me and not let me go to a family that might actually care about me.  These are the things that I have wanted to ask her, and honestly I thought about doing just that.  When I spent three weeks with her a few years ago, I thought about it, but as always she was drunk for most of the time.  So I am guessing that I have lost my opportunities to actually get some sort of answers.  My guess on the whole fighting to adopt me was basically my mother’s drive to win anything she sets her mind to winning.  At least that makes sense to me.
 Now I have my dad also, who is sick as well?  Most would figure that when one parent dislikes a child, at least the other makes up for it.  I guess in my dad’s own way he might have tried, but that is just a guess.  He tells me now that he is proud of me, and I actually think he might be.  Who knows, right now his thoughts are not of the normal range and I could take it as being what he has always felt, but never took the time to say it.  I guess it would actually feel really super if he didn’t have to mention how proud he was of my brother at the same time like he always does.  I know that sounded a bit bratty or selfish, but you know what, I have never really had that chance to be like that around my family.

In my family, my brother was the favorite with both of my parents, and then there was my sister.  I guess maybe it was the whole boy thing or first born thing but when we added more like in foster kids and step kids and I found myself at the bottom of the list in each family dynamic, it kind of brought me way down.  Funny thing is though, I was the one who did all I could for them.  If they needed something, I did it.  I was actually the good kid, at home anyways.  I never questioned or fought and I was eager to please.  Now I am not saying my sister was difficult, but she sure gave my mom a run when she became a teenager.  My brother was always the problem child everywhere he went.  I did have problems at school, but I know that it was more of me trying to see if I could get any of the attention that my brother did, and when I realized no one cared I gave up and really caused problems at school, because I figured if no one cared, why should I.

My mom did tell me one thing, and I guess I should consider it some sort of apology of sorts.  She told me that every time that she saw my brother beating up on me, and yes it was often, she would punish me because it was easier.  Hummm.  Now that is interesting.  She knew that I did nothing to provoke him, like she claimed back then, but yet she found it easier for HER to make me think I did and make me feel sad and bad, then to actually teach him that it was not ok to beat up on me enough to where I had broken bones.  Ok.  So I am suppose to take that as an apology and feel better.  Hummm.  My thought on this is ok, I understand that is how it went, but are you telling me because it will make her feel better.  Ah who knows?

Yeah I know, this kina shit is in the past and I should let it go.  Isn’t that what everyone says?  Well each time I think I got it straight, it slams me head on and makes it so I am up at 1am writing about it.  My sister once told me that she could not remember anything from when she was younger than 17, which by the way is when she moved out of my mother’s house.  Interesting, huh? Sometimes I envy that.  It would be so kewl if my brain was super stupid and forgot so much stuff.  Sadly, I have a different kind of brain.  Last I scored on a IQ test online I got a 145.  That can be a good thing, but it is not.  IQ is about learning and how well you learn, which mean that you can retain information and use it to learn more.  So how does this suck.  Well it sucks because my brain learns from the crap that I am stuck remembering. 

So as you can see even just this that I have talked about, is why I am considering taking a semester off of school.  I am not even upset with my grades, because honestly, I didn’t even deserve the ones I got.  I didn’t even try.  That is so not like me.  Not to care enough about the grades that I only did the bare minimum.  I focused on what had to be done and didn’t try to do my best.  I wrote a ten page paper in a couple of hours and actually got a B on it.  Wow, and most of that time was spent making sure I cited my references correctly, and only because I knew the professor used an online detective program for plagiarism.

Well I guess that is enough of this for now.  Sorry to have whined and moaned all the way through this, but hey this blog is for me to sort shit out sometimes.  The picture above is when my brother broke my arm and mom made me tell everyone, including the doctor, that I fell off my bike.  I said it so many times, that even today most of the time I will say that is how I did it.  Same went for my leg and all the black eyes and various other marks that were visible to anyone paying attention.  The reason I picked this picture is because it is the only picture of me that represents how I really felt back in that time.  Well I am done with the winefest and no I don’t want cheese with it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Impending Visit

I received a call last night from my mother’s friend and she let me know that my mother is getting worse.  I understand that mom is sick and in reality she is going to die soon, this is why I am traveling to Florida during my winter break.  I am going there to let my mom say her good-byes.  I know for many of you it seems kind of strange that I would be so casual about this, but honestly I am ok with my mother dying.  At this point it might be a good thing for her because she has been sick for so long.

What I really don’t want to do is go down there and tell her that she was a good mother and that I was happy to have her as one and all that kind of stuff you should say to someone who is dying.  I know that it sounds terrible for me to not want to do this for my mother, but how am I going to lie to her face like that.  I know I will do it for her, but it is going to be so hard for me.  I also know that I am doing the “me” thing here and I find it ok since it is here and not hurting anyone.

I have to spend a full 24hours with her and have no idea how I am going to be able to do it.  I decided that I am going to ask my doctor to give me zanex to keep me calm during my stay and I know she will give it to me because I never ask for stuff like that.

I figure if I bring cards or something we can sit and play cards all day and waste the time away.  I just hope during that time she doesn’t ask me what she could have done differently as a mother, because that is going to be really hard to lie about.  Well ok I guess I have ranted enough about this and honestly, be prepared because it is two weeks before I go and most likely I will talk more about the subject.  The picture today is of me and mom back in the day.  TTFN

Monday, December 19, 2011

End of Semester

Sorry for the long break between blog entries, but those of you who know that December is the end of the semester knows that I have been busy with school stuff.  I have officially finished two of my three courses this semester.  I only have physics left and I am not happy with my grade in that class so far.  It is my own fault really.  Denny said that he would help me and because of that I have slacked a little in the class, hoping that he would explain things better to me later.  Finding the time to get together had become a major problem and for this I actually blame him.  I live in a very small studio and his place is a mess, so we have to find places outside and that has presented a huge problem.  I also forget that he is working on his own issues as far as depression goes since he quit drinking. 

As far as the other two classes go, I guess I did alright, but not the way I wanted to do.  I mean the A in Biology is fine and I can’t complain about that.  In Introduction to Social Work I ended up with a B+ and that isn’t bad either, but I know I could have done better.  What I did was wait til the last minute to get the papers done and because of that I didn’t do as well as I could have on them.  I was not at all happy how the professor taught the class.  Of the 20 something classes we met for, he only lectured maybe four times and during those four times he discussed the APA citing format.  I am sorry that other students have issues with it, but honestly, once someone reaches that point there should not be a problem, and if they do, there are plenty of sites on the web to explain how to do it.  Of the times that he didn’t lecture, we the students gave presentations on our papers to the class.  I am sorry again, but what is that about.  If he didn’t want to teach the class, he should find another occupation.  

So now I have Physics left.  Just one final exam and I am finished.  In order for me to get an A-, I would have to get a 100 on the exam, and in order to maintain a B, I have to be above an 80.  I am pretty sure I can maintain the B, but if not, in order for me to get the discount I have to get straight A’s next semester.  Oh well, to stressful to think about right now.

Anyways, this was just a check in and let you who reads this stuff know that I am almost done with my classes and til then, this is pretty much my blog.  Good news, I have my final in two days.  Ok so I will leave you with a tour of my small studio apartment.  This way you have an idea how my work space is and such.  TTFN

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Feeling Alone Out Here

I am debating whether to blow off some school work and go outside today.  I know that it is a beautiful day out but have a project that is due on Monday.  I could always sit back and pray that everyone did long ones and we run out of time.  I hate that feeling though.

Then there is the whole question of where would I go.  I mean I want to go and take some pictures but I have been everywhere that I would think about going to. I thought maybe the beach, but it is kind of late to catch the bus out there.  I thought about India Point Park, but don’t want to go alone.  You know what, I know that I am just going to sit here today and get the work done and then meet Denny and Bill (Denny’s roommate) for karaoke tonight.  I am planning on videotaping Bill sing, since he is not half bad.

I have posted a few things up at YouTube.  They are not the greatest but some are fun.  Here is the link if you want to see my channelà CLICK ME

Had a couple of friends from the center here yesterday.  Before they came by I went to the supermarket and bought some stuff to make them wraps and snacks.  It was nice having company, I realized that being that I live in such a small place it is not feasible to have more than one visitor at a time.

I read some of my old blogs that contained some fiction, poems, and guided imageries that I had posted back in the Yahoo 360 days.  I was completely surprised that one of my guests wanted me to continue reading and she told me that she really loved the way that I wrote.  The other guest liked them as well but was not in the mood to listen, so I only read a couple more and then closed the book on that.

After hearing what one of my guests thought about my writing, I decided that I would go back to doing what I used to.  I used to blog like I do now, but once in a while I would through in a short story, poem or guided imagery.  It is not like anyone really reads this blog like they did back in the 360 days.

Sometimes I feel as though I am just talking to myself out here in the miles and miles of web space that is known as the internet.  It would be nice to have someone who actually reads this stuff.  Back in the Yahoo 360 days I have so many people reading and commenting on my blogs that it made me feel good to see that there were people out there who either understood, learned something or could relate to what I typed out.  Now though, there is no comments.  It makes me think that I am not entertaining enough to spend time to get to know.  I know there are dark times that I go through, but I had them back in the day as well, and received a lot of support and it helped.

Well enough of that.  So the picture today? I took that picture a couple of weeks ago at Roger Williams Park in Providence, RI.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Update on Semester and Registration for Spring

It was time again to sign up for classes.  For the spring semester I have decided to go part time, because I know that anatomy and physiology is going to be a rough class.  I am also taking post 16th century literature.  Best thing about taking those classes are that both of them are only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which means that I will only have to take the long bus ride two times a week. There will be a lot of reading with lit and a lot of memorization for anatomy.  I am ready to tackle those two head on and get them over with.

Now I know I didn’t let you all know much about this semester, because I have been way busy with the work involved.  I am taking Biology, Physics and introduction to Social Work.

Biology is going ok, but the professor is kind of a bitch.  She is way too much into her chosen field and wants everyone to have her feeling toward it.  If you don’t have any passion for Biology than she has no need to help you in anything related to the course.  At least that is the way I feel she is like, who knows, maybe it is a personal thing.  She told us the first class that she has no understanding on how people could have extra weight, because that just means that those people have no control in their eating habits.  I was OMG, how can she be so mean.  I wondered as I looked around the room, how many others, other than myself, she had just totally insulted.  I found her discussion on body fat to be out of line.  Even on lab, she wanted everyone to find out how much fat they actually had.  I decided to skip that one.  Talk about bringing someone’s self esteem down.

The good thing about her class though, we only have to do ten power point presentations, ten problem sets and ten labs, which each done weekly.  I am so excited because I have the nine done of each, which means I will never have to see her again after December 7th.  I will be so happy when that happens.  And I will finish with an A.

Then I have Physics.  I am getting by pretty well in the class.  My grade could be better, but she is seriously considering dropping our lowest test grade and that will help me reach an A in that class as well.  Let’s pray she does it.

Introduction to Social Work is an enjoyable class.  For the most part though, we teach each other with our presentations.  He is a tough grader; there is no doubt about it.  I did do one of my projects with another girl.  I so regret doing that.  I figured it would be fine since most of her general education classes were done at Rhode Island College.  Wow, was I wrong about that. 

All in all though, I think that I am ok with these classes, but I don’t think I will be able to maintain the grade point average I have.  We will see though.

Each day I keep on thinking how great it is going to be next semester and it makes it really hard to wake up early and catch that bus each morning.  Next semester my first class of the two days will begin at one in the afternoon.  That alone is something to cheer about.

Anyways so that is about it.  Just wanted to make sure that I expressed my feelings about this semester while I was still in it.  Of course, I should be doing homework right about now, but I am having a hard time getting started.  Have a good one you guys.  TTFN

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Tomorrow My Baby Will Be 21

OMG, my son is going to be 21 years old tomorrow.  Funny how so much time just flies right by.  I have watched him grow from 21 inches to almost 6 feet tall.  I remember where I held his hand in mine for the first time.  Oh those tiny little helpless hands that God handed over to me to care for and nurture.  I was scared out of my mind. I had no idea what to do, I mean I did babysit and stuff like that, but I never had a newborn in my care for more than a couple of hours.  I remember thinking that if I could make it 24 hours without hurting him that I could make a week.  I stopped counting when he was almost two. LOL. 

I used love watching him sleep.  At least than I had a feeling that I was doing something right, because I knew that if he slept peacefully, than he felt safe.  It was important to me to have him feel that way.  I guess it was because I never did when I was a kid, and never wanted him know that feeling.

I was blessed, by God, to have such a great kid.  From the time he was born he never gave me any real problems.  He had even slept through the night for the first time on December 7th 1990, and from that night on, it remained that way until an illness. 

From the moment he was born it was like he took in everything I said.  It felt like he needed to learn as quick as can be.  He did too.  Learned so much, so fast, it was so hard to keep up.  He wanted to learn everything.  I loved his questions, because they seemed to have more of a meaning to them, than just a basic need to know.  Each and every question brought upon more questions.  I am not going lie here, sometimes it was exhausting, but I understood him. 

I realized by the time he was almost two, that though he looked so much like his father, he was more me on the inside, and believe me I was so glad for that.

So who is the man (God that was hard to write) he is today.  He would make any girl happy to be with him.  Currently he is dating a girl that he says is so special on the inside that so many people don’t even notice.  He is caring, thoughtful, thickheaded, determined, insightful, smart, severely honest, active, attractive, attentive, wise beyond his years, trustworthy, honorable, and the list can go on forever.

All I can say at this moment is that I am so proud of the man that my son has become and I can’t wait to see how his future turns out.  I thank God for giving me the opportunity to have been there to care for him as he grew.  Happy Birthday to a very special young man, my boy. 

BTW Photo was taken last Sunday at birthday celebration for him. TTFN

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

September 14, 2011 Run Down of Classes

Middle of the week for me in school.  Officially I have been in school for a full week now and let me tell you that this semester is going to be full of work.  I didn’t realize that I could end up with more than I had in the previous semesters, but that is exactly what it seems like.  Even though it looks like I am only going to have one final exam at the end, which is excellent by the way, I feel like the other two classes are going to hit me hard.

In Biology each week I have to do a PowerPoint presentation and a 25 question quiz.  Of course there is also a lab each week, but the good part about that is I don’t have to do a lab report.  One thing that is great is I have thirteen weeks of the semester and only have to do ten presentations, quizzes and labs.  What this could mean is that I will be done with this course at the end of November and only concentrate on the other two classes.

Physics is not too bad.  There will be homework after each class and of course reading the chapters in the book.  I have to take a total of four exams and basically those are my grade with only ten percent of my grade being my homework and attendance.  Again I have to attend the labs, but I don’t have to do lab reports.  So that is not too bad.

Intro to Social Work has no quizzes or exams at all.  I will have to do three 5 to 8 page papers, which I am actually looking forward to.  The first one that I have to do is the history of Social Work.  I get to pick a concentrated subject, and I have decided to discuss the asylums of the past.  Since I chose that area I get to continue through for the other two papers.  The second is on Social Policy and the last will be on the Social Work Profession.  The great thing is the concentration I chose will be great for all three.  Attendance is a part of our grade and we also have to write a journal entry each class about the material that we went over.  Being that I blog, I think I have that area covered.  If you miss a class, you lose out on the points for attendance and the journal entry, so being there is very important.  If you miss more than three classes, you are automatically dropped from the class.  Pretty scary stuff if you think about it.  What if I have a semester like the last one?

This past Saturday I went to the Rhode Island Rally 4 Recovery.  I hope you all have them in your states, because it is a great resource for information on recovery from addiction and mental illness.  I brought my camera and took a few pictures.  Here check out the shot I got of some balloons…

I didn’t stay long though.  I really don’t know why I didn’t. I guess it was because this year the event was packed with people and I was beginning to feel anxious, and I really try to go with it and avoid taking Adivan.  Guess it was getting much and actually I left the medicine at home.

Well I am going to head out because I have less than an hour before I have to catch the bus.  TTFN

Saturday, September 10, 2011

September 10, 2011 First Week of a New Semester

Well, I finished my first week of classes and really I was able to fall right back in.  Not that I am overly excited about the new semester, but at least I don’t dread walking to the bus stop in the morning.  Looks like there is going to be a lot of work for each class, but I think I can manage it pretty well.

There is a photo contest at school and I was seriously considering doing it, but my embarrassment level kept my camera at home. This sort of thing really gets to me and I really begin to hate my mind, however, today I am going to go to this state’s Rally 4 Recovery and am bringing my camera to take as many shots as I can and then email them to the director. I remember last year they were looking for photos that were taken at the event.

Dennis is on vacation in Los Vegas and he seems to be having a good time.  Next year he is thinking about taking his vacation while I am off of school, so the both of us can go somewhere together.  I am worried that he is in Vegas because he is so early in his recovery and to me that is not the place to be at all, but so far so good.

Last spring I decided to put my NAMI Connection peer support group on hold until I felt better enough to run it.  I don’t feel like I am totally ready, but I feel as though I have to do it to get back to a normal routine again.  So on the third of October I will be starting my group up again.  There is an older woman that attends the group and I called her to let her know we are starting up again.  She was so happy to hear that and told me that she had a very hard time this summer and she told me that she could really use the support she gets from the group.  This helps me to feel like I am making the right decision.

Update on my parents. Dad is basically the same.  He is having problems with walking and has problems with his bowels, which is really depressing him, and he gets angry really easily.  I have finally gotten him accepted for his long term insurance, and that means we can get a home healthcare aid in five days a week.  I am hoping that will help in the hygiene area. I can’t understand why he is giving us a hard time about taking care of his hygienic needs.  Mom is back on chemo because she has stage three lymphoid cancers. She is also having problems with her walking, because of low blood pressure when she stands.  They have brought her a wheel chair to use in the house.  Also she has had a serious persistent cough for the whole summer and they have no idea where it is coming from.  It makes it hard for her to talk.  This is hard for me to handle because all my life my parents have been very physically active and to see them limited by their health problems is difficult.

Well I guess that is about all I have for updates at this time.  Ok let me take a look at my photos and see which one I would like to share today…

Today I chose a shot that I took with my phone of the parking lot at the Roger Wheeler Beach here in Rhode Island.  Being that school has started and Labor Day is over, this is going to be the norm for that parking lot for the next seven months.  Just a small sign that summer is over.  TTFN 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

September 3, 2011 Getting Out

Four days til classes start.  I am all ready as far as supplies go, but still waiting on two books that I need for one class.  As far as being psychologically ready, well I guess I am as good as I am going to get with that one.  I am happy about the fact that I don’t have an 8am class and only one day that I have a 9am lab.

For the past two weeks, I have made sure that I have gone out and did something, just so I don’t fall into the trap of staying in and getting more stuck in my depression.  I am feeling pretty good about doing that, because I feel like I am accomplishing something, instead of feeling like I am worthless.

Got some really good shots this past week.  I am going to share some with you all here….

I have decided that I am going to be more proactive in getting my portfolio ready to show and hopefully get the photos ready for the showing in the spring.  I have way too many pictures that I am not sharing with the world.  Some people think that I am really talented, and though I like the photos I take, I don’t feel talented at all.  Sometimes I think that the way I perceive my photos are better than others would.  I guess I have to give it a chance and deal with rejection in order to see if I am good at photography.

If I happen to be good enough to sell some of my shots, I decided that I would turn whatever money I get into better equipment.    I know what camera I would like and I could really use a tripod.  Maybe with better equipment, I can take better pictures. 

Well, I guess that is about it for today. TTFN

Sunday, August 21, 2011

August 21, 2011 School in 17 Days

I have been spending quite a lot of time here at home.  Having my cat, Pooh, here has been a plus.  He makes it so I have to interact with him and get up and feed him and care for his litter, so because of this, I have not spent much of my time here in my place, in bed.

To give you all an idea as to what my little world looks like I have taken some pictures to share.  Here they are…

I know that my place is really small, but I kind of like it actually.  I have to be really careful about what I bring home and not to make it cluttered.  After living with Dennis (He saves EVERYTHING), it has been quite nice to keep things relatively tidy.

School starts up for me in 17 days.  I wish I could say that I am looking forward to it, but at this point I can’t.  I can say that I am not dreading it at all though, which is really a good thing.  I did the look up on ratemyprofessor.com and found out that I am going to be having two difficult professors.  I am not going to let those reviews bother me and I really hope that I can keep an open mind when I enter the classrooms.

Not sure if I told you all or not, I am take Introduction to Social Work, Biology and Physics.  For the most part, only the Physics is what concerns me most, but Denny loves Physics and he promised to help me in the course.  Biology is run by a professor that only requires that you make a power point presentation each week with your group, and you only have to complete eight of them.  Sounds pretty easy breezy to me.

Denny will be four months sober on the twenty seventh.  I really am hoping he keeps up with it.  Every once in a great while I ask him on a scale of one to ten, with ten being that he just has to have a drink, what number represents him.  Usually I will get a two or a three, but yesterday he told me he was between a five and a seven.  This kind of scares me, but he is still taking the Antibuse, so that is a good thing.

Well that is the update.  You all have a good one.  TTFN

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

August 3, 2011 What’s Been Going On

Wish I could tell you that all this time that I didn’t blog, I was out doing something exciting, but the truth is, I really have not been doing much.  Basically I have been watching movies and existing.  With a month before the fall semester begins, I am not feeling much better, and I am afraid that I am not going to be ready for classes.  I did however, decide that I will take the classes and hope for the best.

One good thing that happened over this long time since I have last blogged is that I was able to move one of my cats into my apartment.  I took Pooh because he needs the most attention and he was not getting enough at Denny’s apartment.  Not sure if he likes it here or not, but he is not having any physical problems that we were concerned about.  Being that this place is smaller than Denny’s, I am thinking that he might be bored here, so today I went to the store and picked up some toys for him, in hopes that he will feel a bit better.

My parents are still both having health issues. Dad is wishing he would just die and that is making any possible progress difficult for him.  We have started him with home health care and of course he is rejecting it. If Dad doesn’t start changing his attitude, than soon he might get his wish and if that happens, I fear that my brother will lose his mind.  There is only one human being that I can honestly say that my brother loves and that is my father.  When my sister died, we were all concerned about him and even thought about hospitalization for him.  Thinking about it really gets to me.

Mom is doing alright with her lung cancer but she has had a persistent cough for well over two months now and they have no idea where it is coming from.  They know that her lungs are clear and now they are looking into her throat.  I part of me thinks that the cancer has made its way there. Of course her finances are not helping with her psyche. Mom likes to live a certain way and being that all her life she always lived above her means, she never saved for her retirement and now she is learning what it means to live on a budget.  Even now she is living in an area that is too high priced for her and driving a car that is too expensive.  Each time I talk to her she cries poverty and I so much want to tell her that if she would at least find a cheaper place to live and a least expensive car she could make do easily.  I even tried in a subtle way and she would not listen to me. I know there is no way for me to be able to help her.  What she did that pissed me off to the max was to write a letter to my father, asking him for financial help.  What balls she must have.  I mean they divorced back in ’79 and here she goes and has the gull to ask my father to send her money.

So other than I just mentioned, nothing much is going on with me, but I thought I would write to let you all know that.  The picture above is of Pooh in his new basket.  TTFN

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

July 5, 2011 Just Rambling

Not much has been new here because I have been hanging around my apartment.  I guess I have been isolating.  Denny has been trying to get me to get out of the house more, but honestly I feel so much better here than being out and pretending that my thinking is alright.  It is not that bad really, but it is something to be aware of before it does get any worse.  I am not sure if it is my illness or just the realization of both my parents being sick and dealing with my brother.

Tomorrow I start back at the program that I went to before I left for New Jersey.  I really was seriously thinking of not going back, but Denny and my therapist strongly recommended that I return for a little while.  I am not happy about having to get up at six in the morning to be there by seven thirty and then having to walk back home at the hottest time of the day.  I am not sure how this is going to help, but I am willing to try.

One thing about me is that when I am not feeling well, it can be seen in my apartment, and right now as I look around I can see it is starting.  I will force myself to do something when I get home tomorrow, because Thursday Denny and I have to go to a screening of Tourchwood: Miracle Day.  I was excited at first when I received the invite, but honestly I have lost interest.  I know I just announced to everyone who reads this that I enjoy science fiction, oh well.

Currently I am concerned about my son.  He is going through a small blip in the road and he is realizing that being an adult is not always fun and there is nothing that I can do to help him through this, only give him my support and allow him to learn from this, and it is the hardest thing that I have going on right now, because I know that I can do something to help him, but he will not learn that way.  I know it is important for him to understand the importance of certain things in life and that if I bail him out he will never understand that.  It is eating me up inside, but I know that right now, I am doing the best for him in the end.  Guess I just needed to write that out so I can see again why I made the decision I did.

Well time to find a picture for today…

Ok for today I have chosen I picture I took this past winter, because with the heat building we start to thinking about how nice it would be to have some winter weather for just a day or two.  This shot was taken near Utica, NY at Denny’s childhood home.  His brother lives there and heats the house with wood and these timbers were lying so nicely and I really liked the way this picture came out.  TTFN

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

June 29, 2011 Home from Dad’s

Been home since Monday afternoon, and have not done anything of real substance since coming home.  Actually I think this is the first time after the end of the semester that I have actually spent a good amount of time home alone doing nothing.  Dennis thinks that I will go into a depression and just stay at home, but I reminded him that I have to go out on Thursday for an ear Doctor Appointment.  I have seriously considered canceling, but I really need to have my hearing aids adjusted, so it is not an option. 

My visit at Dad’s house was quite stressful.  Between my father given up and my brother being my brother, I was counting the days as soon as I got there.  When I took Dad to the doctor, the doctor informed me that Dad is not doing anything to help himself at all.  The doctor basically told me that if Dad doesn’t do anything to help himself, he will die soon.  I realized this already when I first got there, but to hear the doctor tell me made it more final.  The whole time that I was there at Dad’s, all Dad kept saying is how he wished that he would just die.  I can understand that Dad is depressed and if anyone should understand it, it should be me, but I found it hard to deal with. I did tell the doctor to put my father on an antidepressant and I can only hope that Dad takes them.

My brother was another issue.  He is so friggin self centered that it makes me sick.  Luckily my brother does love my Dad and kind of watches to make sure he doesn’t upset my father, but that doesn’t always work. I can’t understand why my brother feels the need to play his drums right in the room next to my father or that he has a lot of guys at the house to change the boiler now rather than later in the summer.

Another issue is the bathroom downstairs.  If my brother would just get that project done and move my father to that floor so he will not have to do the stairs, than that would help a lot.  It seems to me that doing the bathroom would be the first project that he should work on.  My brother forgets that it is Dad’s house still and making him comfortable is much more important right now.

I guess I am just rambling and really not making too much sense, but I am aggravated to the extreme, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I was asked once whether I would still converse with my brother after my Dad passed away and I have been thinking about it.  My answer would be no I don’t think that I would really have anything to talk to him about.  There was a time when we were little that we shared everything with each other, but now he is a person that I could not even share anything with.  There is no reason for me to converse with him.

Well I guess I rambled enough.  Time to find a picture for today…

With my birthday coming and my love for Winnie-the-Pooh I find that this picture of a NYC bus with the sign about the upcoming movie that starts a few days before my birthday to be fitting for me right now.  TTFN

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

June 21, 2011 Upcoming Visit With Dad and My Son

Had a nice weekend this past weekend.  Denny and I went to Albany, NY.  I was able to see a really good friend of mine and Denny meet up and played golf with some of his college buddies.  Though I was not feeling quite well, I was able to keep in conversation and presented myself well in front of Denny’s friends.  My friend however, could tell instantly that I am not my usual self and understood.

In the morning I am heading to NJ to spend some time with my Dad and my son.  Honestly this is going to be hard on me, not because of my son, but because my dad lives with my brother and well that is a little on the tense side with me.  It would be so much easier if Dad lived alone, but he doesn’t and well I guess I have to deal.

Not much to write for now and I am not bringing my computer to Jersey, so I guess I will write when I get back. 

The picture today is of the lake that Denny’s friend lives on.  Not sure which one I am going to pick, but they all look very summer like, so they are all fitting with the longest day of the year.  TTFN

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

June 15, 2011 What I Have Learned from the States I Have Lived

I have been thinking about all the places I have lived in my life and believe me there have been plenty.  I decided that I would write about what each state that I have lived in has offered me and helped to shape the person that I am today.

First state I lived in was New Jersey.  This is the longest I have lived in any state and I lived in many towns of New Jersey, but mostly in the central to northern parts.  What Jersey has offered me is a true sense of who I am and where I came from.  Though I moved out almost twenty years now, I feel as though my heart will always remain there.  When asked where I came from I answer without hesitation that I was born and raised in Jersey and I am there for a true Jersey girl.  Some say that my rough attitude comes from being a Jersey girl, but honestly it comes from the experiences I had while I lived there. 

Funny thing is about Jersey is when I married and had a son, his father and I decided that it was best to take him out of Jersey for a better environment and all through my son’s childhood years he voiced his dislike of our decision and when given the opportunity to move on his own, without hesitation he returned to the state that he mourned for.  I should have known at the time that choosing to move out of state, rather than a better town was in fact a bad decision on his father and my part.  Today I feel that I ripped out a part of him that I should have known was there.

The state that came next for me was Virginia Beach, VA and I remained for ten years.  There is not much to say about that state, just that moving out there was a really bad move on my part.  I should have taken note on my son’s view point on this.  I should point out that the state was ok for a state, but it was the situation in which I lived that made moving there the one of the worst decisions I ever made as far as moves goes.

Leaving Virginia was hard, but not as far as the area goes.  It was the situation in which I left that made it the worst choice I have ever made in my life and only those that were part of that choice would understand the magnitude of poor decision making it was.  I can’t undo what has been done, but I can learn from the mistakes I have made and move on.

Albany, NY was my third state and when I moved there I was not well mentally.  I however prevailed and found some of my best friends there.  People who understood and still understand who I really am, even if at the time of my arrival I didn’t quite know who I was and still really didn’t even when I moved out only nine months later.  Though it was a really short period of time that I spent there, it was the most significant period of time for me and for that I can only thank that area for excepting me and the problems I arrived in.

After leaving NY I moved to Pittsfield, MA with the man that treated me like no one has treated me before.  We moved into a house that was down by the river and we shared a three bedroom apartment on the second floor with a land lady from hell.  I learned a lot about myself during the four years that I lived there.  I learned that I can have opinions and have others listen to them and actually consider them.  I learned that I was an independent woman with thoughts and ideas and creativity that I could share with others.  I learned that my fears were valid and my excitements were a joy. 

Though Pittsfield, MA did not have much to offer in the way of activities I learned how to seek out enjoyment in activities that inspired me. I had the opportunity to meet very wonderful people, but also learned that people who come from the outside like me, were regarded at temporary people and in the end I proved that theory to be true.

So here I am today, four years in Providence, RI.  Since being here I have begun to really like who I am and not try to convert my thinking to those who surround me. Living here is was the first time I really felt independent and it is now the first time I lived on my own.  It was scary at first but I am slowly learning that sometimes it is really ok to just be with myself.  Because of my mental illness it is sometimes really hard to be alone and I am trying to learn that it is ok to feel that way and to really be with my feelings.  I have learned that I am really creative with my photography and have learned to take compliments from others.

The people that I have met here have been for the most part a real enjoyment for me.  Here is the first place that I have met many others like myself, displaced from other states, though there is a large base of natives here.  I have felt excepted here with all my good qualities and short comings.

Through all the places I have lived, I have accepted who I am and that I have a mental illness and it is ok to take the time to care for myself.  I have learned that I am able to share the experiences I have had with others and let them learn from the things I have done and not done.  I have learned that I am an important person with lots to offer.  I have learned that I have a voice and that I am intelligent enough to let my voice rise high for those that want to hear what I have to say.  I know that many times I need to remind myself of these things and I feel as though if I lose myself, I am capable of finding me again.

So that is about it.  Time for me to find a picture for today…

Today’s picture is of a wall at the partial hospital program grounds.  The reason I chose this shot is because, through the years I have learned to build a wall around myself to protect me, but I am starting to bring that wall down little by little.  It is hard to do and many who will run into this blog may not understand the need for protection, but I do and so do a few others.  So this shot reminds me that though the wall is slowly being open, it still remains and needs some protection.  TTFN