I received a call last night from my mother’s friend and she let me know that my mother is getting worse. I understand that mom is sick and in reality she is going to die soon, this is why I am traveling to Florida during my winter break. I am going there to let my mom say her good-byes. I know for many of you it seems kind of strange that I would be so casual about this, but honestly I am ok with my mother dying. At this point it might be a good thing for her because she has been sick for so long.
What I really don’t want to do is go down there and tell her that she was a good mother and that I was happy to have her as one and all that kind of stuff you should say to someone who is dying. I know that it sounds terrible for me to not want to do this for my mother, but how am I going to lie to her face like that. I know I will do it for her, but it is going to be so hard for me. I also know that I am doing the “me” thing here and I find it ok since it is here and not hurting anyone.
I have to spend a full 24hours with her and have no idea how I am going to be able to do it. I decided that I am going to ask my doctor to give me zanex to keep me calm during my stay and I know she will give it to me because I never ask for stuff like that.
I figure if I bring cards or something we can sit and play cards all day and waste the time away. I just hope during that time she doesn’t ask me what she could have done differently as a mother, because that is going to be really hard to lie about. Well ok I guess I have ranted enough about this and honestly, be prepared because it is two weeks before I go and most likely I will talk more about the subject. The picture today is of me and mom back in the day. TTFN