Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Impending Visit

I received a call last night from my mother’s friend and she let me know that my mother is getting worse.  I understand that mom is sick and in reality she is going to die soon, this is why I am traveling to Florida during my winter break.  I am going there to let my mom say her good-byes.  I know for many of you it seems kind of strange that I would be so casual about this, but honestly I am ok with my mother dying.  At this point it might be a good thing for her because she has been sick for so long.

What I really don’t want to do is go down there and tell her that she was a good mother and that I was happy to have her as one and all that kind of stuff you should say to someone who is dying.  I know that it sounds terrible for me to not want to do this for my mother, but how am I going to lie to her face like that.  I know I will do it for her, but it is going to be so hard for me.  I also know that I am doing the “me” thing here and I find it ok since it is here and not hurting anyone.

I have to spend a full 24hours with her and have no idea how I am going to be able to do it.  I decided that I am going to ask my doctor to give me zanex to keep me calm during my stay and I know she will give it to me because I never ask for stuff like that.

I figure if I bring cards or something we can sit and play cards all day and waste the time away.  I just hope during that time she doesn’t ask me what she could have done differently as a mother, because that is going to be really hard to lie about.  Well ok I guess I have ranted enough about this and honestly, be prepared because it is two weeks before I go and most likely I will talk more about the subject.  The picture today is of me and mom back in the day.  TTFN

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