Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Entry for February 21, 2010 Lack of Motivation

One class today and then back home to get some serious work done.  I was so sick last week that I almost called 911.  I am guessing I just had the flu, but I was almost unable to move and my head was spinning so bad.  I know I had fever and I kina wish I had a thermometer so I could have known how high it was.  It felt as though my eyes were going to pop out of my head because of the pressure behind them.

I managed to feel better after the fever broke.  I still was mega stuffed up but I could deal with that.  I even during my fever tried to eat some soup, but only managed to take like two spoonfuls and needed to go back to bed.

I am just glad it passed, but I ended up missing three days of school.  I have so much to catch up on, it is crazy.  I did have most of the weekend to catch up and well I wasted all day yesterday and I am so mad at myself.  Now I have to rush through and will not get the kind of grades I am looking for.

This semester I was thinking, what is the point of trying so hard for the highest grade, and was slacking off a bit.  Now however I found out that if I keep my GPA above a 3.5 I can get 30% off of my tuition.  I am so mad that I have not been working as hard as I was last semester, because now I don’t know if I can keep that kind of a GPA.  I so f’ed myself.

Even though it is Presidents day and most other schools have off today, I still have a class today.  I really don’t feel like going and if I had not missed so much last week, I would not be going today.  I am wondering what is wrong with me.  Why am I having such a hard time this semester?  It is not that I don’t like all my classes.  I really like three of them, but I am finding it so hard to get motivated.  Sometimes I think to myself, what is the point.  This is not good at all.  I have to get out of this funk and I have to really try, as each day comes, it gets so much more difficult.

Alright this is going to be it for today.  This picture above was my favorite thing to do, and actually I owned a few of these, because I would lose a piece or two and just needed to have it replaced.  I have even thought about finding another set and buying it for me now.  I used to spend hours and hours just making more and more spirals.  I used the pens so fast and would have to replace them with others.  I can remember using sharp pencils and being very careful not to brake the tip.  I guess my love for spirals started with this set.  Well you all have a good one.  TTFN 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Entry for February 14, 2011 VD and Other Ramblings

In my previous blog I discussed Denny’s take on the whole daily event today.  It is funny how you expect someone to do something and they do the direct opposite of that.  Saturday night Denny took me to a very nice restaurant here in the city.  Though I thoroughly enjoyed the dinner its self, it was the discussion that I enjoyed the most.  It is funny how when you think you have nothing new to learn about a person, they throw something new at you.

Over the years we have talked about making him my health proxy and there was no question to it.  It never came to my mind that he would want me to do the same for him.  I guess it is because physically and mentally, it is something that comes to mind with us.  Saturday he told me that he wants me to be his.  I guess it makes sense since out of anyone in his life, I know him the best.  I feel both honored and frightful about his request.  I have always said to him about me, how I didn’t want my son to have to make any serious decisions about me, because I don’t want him to regret it at any time in his life.  Since discussing this issue with Denny, I wonder if maybe I am still too immature to handle it as well. 

Maybe it is because of my sister’s passing and the way she died that is being brought up in my mind as I think about this.  It is also because of the way she died that makes me want to have all my choices written down as well.  I would never want to have anyone in my life watch me for months and see that the end is going to come anyways, so I want it to be sooner rather than later, to help those I love remember me as they know me now.  I know this is way random but it is something that I am thinking about, especially since it was brought up on Saturday.

I totally wasted a perfectly good day of studying yesterday.  I don’t know why I do this to myself.  So here I am today, with a paper due tomorrow and all I have done is my cover sheet.  To make matters even worse, it is friggin beautiful out there today.  I even have a window open!!  Almost 50 degrees out there, and here I am with my puter open and two word docs open, this one and my empty page where my two page paper is suppose to go.  You can see that I am doing quite a bit on here but nothing on a graded paper.  What is wrong with this picture?  Alright I am going to end it here but first let me find a picture for today.

Ok this photo is the barrettes that I wore in the late 70’s.  Mom used to freak when she would see me wearing only one, she said only loose girls wore them like that.  I tried to explain to her that it was her generation that thought that and in mine it was actually kind of a kewl thing.  She never understood and what I did was put both on when she was around and then remove one when she was not.  Made life a whole lot easier.  So do you all remember these?  TTFN

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Entry for February 12, 2011 Denny’s view on VD and Up to Date School Stuff

I love Denny, but I really hate how he is against certain things.  One of those things is coming up in two days.  That is right; he dislikes the whole premise of Valentine’s Day.  He doesn’t feel that there should be a day designated to where you have to gift the one you love, he believes in showing it all the time.  I kind of agree with him to a degree but it would be really nice to not be that person with someone who loves you and not be able to let others see it on the day of love.  I guess that makes me a material person, but damn it would be nice.

The last time that he did something for me for Valentine’s Day was in 2007.  We built a bear together at Build –A- Bear Workshop.  Now that was kewl.  I call him our bear, because the both of us worked on him together.  Even came up with him name together.  His name is Gene Yus.  If you actually say it and sound it out you might get a laugh.  Gene Yus has two hears, One from me and one from Denny.  It is really sweet actually, and every time I look at him I get a smile on my face thinking about the day we made him.

Denny does always do sweet things for me when I least expect it and that is so nice.  He is doing as he says by showing me he loves me any ole time.  I love how he will get me one flower just for the hell of it.  Over the time I have known him I think I have gotten more flowers then most people have gotten for Valentine’s over the same amount of years, so I really should not complain.  I suppose I just needed to write it out and see it for myself.

School is going fairly well.  I have a lot more reading this semester then last, there is no doubt of that.  I actually just spent the last six hours reading and I think my brain is going to explode, so I decided to put the books down and relax here on my puter for a bit.  Funny thing is though, online is starting to really bore me to tears.  When I was not in school or working, all I ever did was sit on my computer and now I wonder what it was that I did.  I know that I spent a lot of time on the blog I had on Yahoo 360 and then Multiply, but after my great depression in the late winter early spring of ’09, I have lost some interest.

Oh yeah right, I was talking about school.  I have had one graded paper given back to me and I got an 82 on it.  Needless to say, I was not happy with it.  It was in Sociology and I really thought I nailed it, but apparently not.  I feel pretty ok with it though since there was only two A’s in a class of 35, granted I would have loved to be one of the two, but at least I was part of the upper 50% of the class with my B. 

English Comp is going well considering I can stand my Professor.  I won’t go into why I don’t care for the man since I made the choice to take his class, even after having him last semester and knowing what he was like.  I made my decision to take his class based on the fact that I wanted to get it over with and his class was the only available one that fit so perfectly into my schedule.  One thing about the man I do like however, how well he grades.  I finished his class last semester with an A so I know that I should be able to finish well this semester with him.

Both Psychology classes I am really enjoying and we are not even into the meat of the course yet, so I am really looking forward to getting farther along.  They both require most of my reading time and one of the books is a nice read.  The other book is quite lengthy, and I wish the woman who wrote the book took the time to take out many of the unnecessary words, but otherwise I am able to comprehend the material better than I expected.

Lastly is my Microeconomic class.  This one I am getting by.  That is the best I can say about it for now.  The Professor is from Bangladesh and very hard to understand.  It is also an issue that he has the tone that is the hardest for me to hear.  I have asked him if I could record in the class and he has given me such a hard time about it.  So far he is the only Professor to question me and ask that I get some documentation that I have a hearing issue.  I don’t know but perhaps my hearing aids could give him a clue.  I am guessing that he is a bit arrogant about the fact that he is the author of the text or something like that, who knows.  Anyways I have the paperwork he requested and maybe I am not too far behind in understanding the material. 

Alright I have bored you all to tears enough tonight, so I will tell you about the photo I have chosen for you today.  I owned one of these Holly Hobbie purses back in the 70’s.  For me being a tomboy this was the most girly girl I ever got back then.  My mother was overjoyed but it didn’t last long at all.  I think because of the fact that I was finally showing signs of being a girl, my mother decided to enrich that part of me and basically I owned everything Holly Hobbie.  Actually my favorite blanket was a comforter that had Holly Hobbie all over it, and it met its demise one early autumn night at a party in the woods.  One of my friends decided that he would hold it over the fire and up in flames it went.  Well you all that is it.  TTFN

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Entry for February 10, 2011 What is my true mystery

When you look at my face, what is it you see?
I could be crying
I could be screaming
But I am always showing
The mask I am always wearing
Why do I feel I must do this?
Because I don’t want to share the hurt
And let you know I feel like dirt
My mind is all cluttered
But yet I can be so determined
So you ask who are you really.
I can only answer that I do not know
I think I have hit a new low
It will not win
Is this the fault of my kin
Would you like me if you saw what lies inside?
That is what I dread
Many times I wish I were dead
But I pick up and go
And join with the flow
And lastly I say
Love me
For who I am

This is the way I am feeling today.  Don't know why I woke up this way, but I did.  Maybe it is because most times I do and I try to hide it from myself and try and live life and find something good about it.  I don't know, maybe I am kidding myself each day that I live.  Maybe I have convinced myself that I am a good person that I sometimes actually believe that it could be true.  

I have got to get out of this low I am in, since soon it might affect my school.  Jeeze when is this going to end.  Well at least I am up and ready to tackle the day.  Time to put my mask on and do what I have to do.  TTFN

Friday, February 4, 2011

Entry for February 4, 2011 Spring Semester

Here I am up at seven in the morning and my original plan was to start working on the many assignments I have due on Tuesday, but I am writing this instead.  I am finding it very hard to get myself going this semester and I don’t know why.  Well I shouldn’t say that, because I know that I am heading towards a low and I am doing everything I possibly can to keep myself going. Every time I feel like staying in bed rather than go to classes, I remind myself of the Nike ad that said JUST DO IT.  It has been working so far and I hope it continues to.

Just to let you all know, I finished last semester with a 3.92 and an over all of 3.88. I am very proud of the fact that I finished so well, but I wonder if I will be able to keep it up this semester.  Already I have seven chapters to read and two papers to write by Tuesday.  I wonder sometimes why I do this to myself and then I remember that I am capable of doing this sort of thing.

Alright here is the run down for all of those that want to know what classes I am taking and such.  Last semester when I picked my classes I signed up for: English Comp, Development Psychology, Social Psychology, Sociology, and Microeconomics.  Like the semester before, I signed up for five so I can see the classes and choose to drop one and did that fine, but this semester it was very hard to choose, so in the end I decided to keep all five.  I figured that since I finished so well last semester I can handle it.  As I look now at the pile of large books for four of my classes I wonder if I had made a grave mistake.

Honestly though, last semester was my first full time semester and I felt exactly the same way.  I even had the bit of a low and was still able to manage the four classes I had.  Out of last semester’s four classes of: College Writing, General Psychology, Western Civilization and Math for Liberal Arts, I got an A in each class except for the A- I received in General Psychology. 

I guess I am just writing this to remind myself that I am totally capable of carrying on a heavy load of classes.  It is funny that just last week I was approached by a newspaper reporter in my area about questions pertaining to my mental illness and my classes.  (Note to self: find the article and read it) I was quite honest with her and she was quite impressed with my honesty.  I wonder though, what was actually said in the article. 

Well I guess that will be all for now.  Though this blog is open for anyone to read, I really wrote it to help me to see where I am and in the future take a look back and hopefully be able to say that even with the way I am feeling I still managed to handle each situation and succeed.

Today’s picture is the first book that I ever read out loud to anyone.  I loved this book for years and since today is about my education, why not show you all my early steps to it.  TTFN