Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Entry for February 10, 2011 What is my true mystery

When you look at my face, what is it you see?
I could be crying
I could be screaming
But I am always showing
The mask I am always wearing
Why do I feel I must do this?
Because I don’t want to share the hurt
And let you know I feel like dirt
My mind is all cluttered
But yet I can be so determined
So you ask who are you really.
I can only answer that I do not know
I think I have hit a new low
It will not win
Is this the fault of my kin
Would you like me if you saw what lies inside?
That is what I dread
Many times I wish I were dead
But I pick up and go
And join with the flow
And lastly I say
Love me
For who I am

This is the way I am feeling today.  Don't know why I woke up this way, but I did.  Maybe it is because most times I do and I try to hide it from myself and try and live life and find something good about it.  I don't know, maybe I am kidding myself each day that I live.  Maybe I have convinced myself that I am a good person that I sometimes actually believe that it could be true.  

I have got to get out of this low I am in, since soon it might affect my school.  Jeeze when is this going to end.  Well at least I am up and ready to tackle the day.  Time to put my mask on and do what I have to do.  TTFN

1 comment:

  1. So sorry you are not feeling up to par today. (((hugs))). Sometimes when the weather is bad it gets me depressed. I think you are a wonderful person.