On the train heading to New Jersey for six days. Not really sure what I am going to write this blog about, but be warned, usually when I have no idea it is when I end up writing one of my extra long blogs. Well it is not like all my blogs are not long…LOL.
Had a meeting yesterday about the internships and how to proceed with applying and such. There was also discussion about our next and final training. Looks like I will be in training on my birthday. I am really excited about the last phase of the process and can’t wait to get started on it.
There was discussion about the way we will be treated from the staff members at the various mental health centers. I was pretty sure that we were not going to be looked upon favorably, but listening to the directors of the program tell me that is how it is going to be, just kind of brought it forward. They say that for the most part the staff is going to never treat us like we are actual staff and how we are tokens and are more of a charity case. It was also discussed how the staff members are actually more likely to stigmatize mental illness more than the general public.
Another issue that the staff might have is the fact that if this new program works, it is possible that their jobs will begin to be filled with more peers rather than mental health workers. I can understand the fear that might come from that. I personally would rather sit with my peers because we have a common factor. My peers can understand that when I say that I just can’t do this anymore, I don’t actually mean I want to kill myself or hurt myself, they know that I am saying that I just need to hear how they either managed to get through what I am going through or how they would go about it. Information from them seems to go a lot farther with me, than with someone who spent time in a classroom going over what ifs and possible situations that they could come across.
So this Peer Wellness Coach thing is something that is important and needed, and I am so excited to be a huge part of this. If I have to deal with negative staff, then so be it. Dennis did bring up a good point, like he often does. He said that if I go into this and expect to be treated negatively, than there is a huge chance that I would be and not for the reasons that I would. I will try to remember what he said and try to keep my biases in check.
Ok topic change. I am in Connecticut and OMG it is so pretty where I am right now. I have no idea where I am exactly, but we are going over some water. I guess I can understand why people would decide to live here. Yes I am looking out the window and letting my fingers type away. I guess I should thank that typing teacher I had in middle school. Oh ok here we are at a station. Looks like we are in Old Saybrook. Interesting name and here at the station is a cemetery that looks major old school with some new stones as well. My guess is that to live in this area is quite expensive.
So far I have gotten very lucky in the way of not having to share my space. I really hate when I have to sit next to someone on the train. When you have to share the space you can’t really use your laptop the way you want to, because it is so easy for that person next to you to read what you are reading and well I would not be able to do this blog.
Denny is going to meet me in Jersey on Monday morning. I am so glad that I have him and honestly I don’t really share that here enough. I guess it is because I get to get my frustrations with him out here in print. So here is where I am going to express that though I have said many negative things about him here in this blog, there is so much more good about him that I don’t share enough. Here is an example. Yesterday I was beginning to feel the pressures of transitioning from being on assistance with benefits and SSDI. I was feeling the stress of the fear that when I do finally get paid, I will actually have less money than I have now, because though I will make more cash, I will have higher expenses that might exceed my extra income. It is quite scary to know that I am going to have to move, lose my insurance, lose my SSDI, lose my education grants, lose food stamps and have less support that I do at the present because of the lack of medical insurance. I was asked why than would I choose to do this to myself. I answered easily, that for two reasons, one that I have always had plans to return back to work and second because I am so excited to be part of this new program and it is what I have been working toward.
Oh right back to Denny, sorry about that, I tend to get side tracked. Can’t blame me though. I am sitting here looking out the window and listing to my iPod and just letting my fingers type out the thoughts that are going through my mind. Remember I warned you ahead of time that this was going to be a completely unplanned blog and they tend to go on a bit. Ok anyways, so what was it that Denny did that was wicked awesome.
I was on my way back from the meeting and I texted him to see if he wanted to meet. Little did he know that I really needed to have him take me in his arms and let me feel protected from even my own thoughts. There was much texting and in the end he told me he was going to an AA meeting and that he was sorry, but he will see me Monday morning. I was crushed, but I understood that he really can’t just ditch his meeting for me, because they are part of HIS recovery.
So I am home and on my computer, yes playing Farmville and I get a text from him. He tells me that he is out front and to open the door for him. He made sure that after his meeting he came straight to my house to ease my anxiety and help me feel like I am protected. There was a time back in the day that I needed this feeling from him all the friggin time. I wonder how he took that all the time. I try to not seem so needy any more. I don’t want him to think that he has to be my caregiver. We have moved past that years ago and I know it is so easy to revert back to that. It is pretty kewl though that I don’t have tell him all the time what I need, he just seems to have a sense that comes to him.
He ended up sitting with me and talking with me. We sat together with no distractions. That is a rare occurrence actually. Denny is a big media guy. He loves his TV, movies, and computer and is usually in front of one of those. Last night though, after quite some time just holding each other, we sat across from one another and talked about some issues that important. For me it was about the fears I have with the new job and such, and sadness over my father. For him it was the impending eviction of his roommate, his job and his own mother and brothers’ health. Is we talked I could not help but think how far we have come from the days of (side note…I am New Haven now) me being dependent on him for everything, and him allowing and encouraging me to be like that. It is great that we both know the rules we played during that time and how our illnesses played a big part in that. I am not saying that I am completely “cured” of co-dependence, but I am more aware of what is healthy and what is not.
I am guessing that I am halfway to Metropark train stop in Jersey. Once I get there I have to walk to my Dad’s, which is only about a fifteen minute walk. I am going to take my time and maybe even stop at the Quick Check on the way. This is not a good trip. I know I have said it before, but honestly I think this might be my last one until my Dad passes away. He is really weak right now and I think I am going to let him know that if he is fighting for our feeling, he doesn’t have to. I know that is what is going on with him, since everytime I call him he says how sorry he is that he is disappointing me and my brother. With my brother out camping, I can really get a chance to talk with my father and let him know that it is perfectly ok that he can let himself relax and not have to fight so hard. I will reassure him that I will keep an eye on my brother and I will make sure that my brother is not left alone in this world. I know that is a big fear for my father, as you all do, since I have expressed this quite often. I have resigned myself as my brother’s only real connection to a family. I know that in a way I have always known that in the end my brother would somehow become my responsibility. I know he is an adult, but honestly he has a mental illness and I should after all share the compaction I have for others to him, my only brother.
It is going to be another one of those conversations that you don’t want t have but you know you have to. I have to help him to understand also that the regrets he feels about my brother and me are not as hard for us that he feels it is. I am hoping that I can help him to have less of a regretful mind. For the last few months he has expressed how these thoughts of his are in his dreams as well. He seems to be stuck in the 70’s. It amazes me that one person can really destroy so many people in their path. I saw my mother before she passed as you all know and the months before her death she didn’t have one quarter of the regrets that my father has. It doesn’t seem fair to me that my father is suffering silently with regrets that didn’t originate from him in the first place. In my mind I feel as though he is just as much a casualty as me and my siblings were. The only difference between my father and us was the fact that he picked the person he wanted to spend his time with and we didn’t have a choice. Maybe that is what he really has the regrets about. The fact that he made that first choice to cause a bunch of dominos to fall?
Here we are twelve years after the death of my sister and I know that she and her death is at the fore front of his mind. I could not even imagine having to live through the death of a child. I was surprised how my mother seemed to handle it so well, while my father still to this day, suffers in silence. I remember looking at my mother to find hints of this same look my father has. The look that shows you have a hurt that will not go away. My mother had something but not like my dad’s. Her’s was like a look that seems like a selfish thought. I try to think that I have read her wrong, but that look was not much different than the one that I saw all my life as a kid, when my sister was still alive.
Ok I decided to look over at this page and was surprised to find so little mistakes. I corrected them and am going to sign off because apparently I have three pages of thoughts down. If you actually made it down this far, congrats to that! Pretty sure you all know this, but the picture above is the route I am taking. TTFN