Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Entry for December 31, 2010 Choices that Change the Course of Life

Have you ever had to make a quick decision that could alter your life, with little time to make it?  Well I had one of those moments last night.  I am not going to go into what that decision was I just wanted to state that last night was the time I made it.  I guess I want to see it in print so later, should I fail to carry it out, I can see that it was made at some point.

Looks like I am going to be spending New Years Eve alone.  I am not overly disappointed about it at all actually.  I am kind of happy that I can relax and not worry about getting home and worrying about the many drunk drivers that are going to be on the road.  Not only will there be the regular drunk drivers, but there will be the ones that only drink for special occasions.  In my eyes, it will be a blood bath out there. 

Now I know I over exaggerate about drinking and driving, but I can’t understand what goes on in the heads of those that choose to get behind the wheel when they are stumbling around on foot.  I mean how friggin hard is it to call a cab or hoof it home.  I know that if I am deciding to go and drink outside of my home and I am driving myself there I always think about how I will get home or if I can stay until I am sober.  It makes no sense to me why this is even an issue anymore.  Shit, are we not aware of the possibilities.  I know it has been thrown down my throat since before I could even drive.

Personally I have had friends and friends of friends die from drinking or drug related accidents.  In high school alone there were seven deaths and three in one year.  And I knew all these people personally.  Just after the first one, I made the decision that I would never be in that position and have carried it out to where there have been many times that I would sit at a party or whatever and drink a coke so I could get myself and my friends home safely.  Each time as I drove I was hoping that any car I passed that the person behind the wheel had made the same decision I had.

I understand that many who are addicted to alcohol are not using the best judgment in the first place, but come on there is no reason to make your car a deadly weapon.  I saw this billboard here around town in a few places.  It has a large picture of a man in is late twenties to early thirties and the caption reads something like this, “So and So had 15 DUI arrests and killing So and So was her 16th.  I want to ask, why the fuck was she even out of jail in the first place.  How many arrests does a person have to have before they are convicted?  Oh I guess they have to hurt or kill someone in order to keep them behind bars for any real amount of time.

I want you to know that the decision I had to make last night is not related to this discussion that I am having now and honestly I don’t know why I chose to write about this.  I can only say that when I sit down to write my blogs, I really have no idea where it is going to turn, just that I write and I don’t think, I just type away and you all get to see where my mind heads to.

Today’s picture is one of my favorite pictures as far as New Years pictures go.

With that I am going to say Have a Save and Happy New Year.  TTFN

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Entry for December 28’ 2010 No Excuse for Not Writing

I could sit here and tell you all I have been mega busy or something to that affect, but that would be partially lying. Up until December 16th I could honestly tell you that I was way busy with school and final projects and exams, but since then I have been so not busy it is starting to really drive me crazy. It is funny when I think about how I have changed in the past three years. I actually got excited if I was as active as I am right now this second. To be up and out of bed was a big accomplishment back in that time. Now this not having anything to do for days is really taking its toll on me.

My biggest fear when it comes to having nothing to do for a few days is me falling back into the old patterns and finding myself deep in that pit of depression. I know it is easy for me to fall into that pit and I even had to fight it this past semester. I missed three days of classes in a row because of the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed and that feeling of it not really mattering if I get up and join the human race. On that forth day I had to be at the bus stop at six thirty in the morning and believe me when I tell you that getting up that morning was the hardest thing I had to do in a long time. I did manage to get up and go, but I felt like I was in a fog the whole rest of the week. You see when I say I missed three days of classes and stayed in bed that whole time, it was actually six days because of the weekend and the day we had off for some reason or another.

I am thankful that I forced myself to get going and get back on track with school, because I can’t afford to fail anything there because of financial reasons. If I fail anything there, I can never try this again. There is no more chances, this is it.

Well the good that came out of it all is that since I am aware of my patterns and moods, I am better able to address them and see if I can work them out on my own and if not, have the power to find someone who can help me with that.

So with the semester over I can tell you all that I did finish and I managed to pull off a semester grade point average of 3.92 out of a 4.0, with a cumulative average of a 3.88. Basically what this means is I made the Dean’s list for the semester. This is something that I was working toward and even with my quick bout of depression I was able to pull it off. I am so happy that I did manage to still get the goal I set for myself and proud that I was able to deal with my illness when I needed to. So my picture today is a copy of my grades from my first semester (where I tried only two classes to see if I could do it) and this semester.

Hope you all have a great one. TTFN