On the 15th I will be heading back to New
Jersey. Dad is really starting to show
signs of weakness. I can hear it in his
voice when I call him. I pretty much
call him every day and can really hear the difference in his voice since I had
last visited. I really didn’t want to go
back and I know some people would disagree with me, but that was a few blogs
ago and I am not going to get back into that.
The main reason why I am going is because my brother was invited to go
on a weekend camping/fishing trip and I am making him go. That is right, I am making him go. He goes away very rarely and the fact that
someone invited him is amazing in itself.
Each time I talk to my brother, he is always saying that
everything is lousy and for the most part he is completely right. I know I could not handle going home every
day and slowly watching my father fade away before my eyes. I told him he better go and take a mental
health break. At first he was like no he
didn’t want to go and stated that he didn’t like to fish. After explaining to him that it was important
that he gets away he said that it might be kewl to sit by the lake and just
watch the water move. I get that totally
and finally he agreed as long as I went down there rather than have an aid stay
with him. Without hesitation I agreed,
because after all, I am not the one that deals with the gloominess every day. I get to go about my life and not have it
right in my face. Yes I feel what is
going on, but it is easier for me to find a distraction.
My only fear is that during that weekend, if dad passes, I
wonder if my brother will ever go away again.
I wonder if somehow he will blame me for making him go and him not being
able to say good bye to my father the way he wanted to.
Before my mom died I called my brother to have him be able to
have some kind of closure with her, but because eleven years passed without
them talking, it was awkward and neither one of them knew what to say. After she died and I was at my dad’s house,
my brother confided in me that he wished he had told her that he was sorry that
he was a bad son. I have no guilt on
that one, because I told him well in advance that I was going to call him while
I was with her and he could have formulated that out and said it to her. I have no guilt, but I do feel for him. I told him that he was not a bad son and why
I believed it to be so, but that didn’t ease his mind. Well I tried and even fibbed a bit. So that one is on him.
Dennis is going to meet me in New Jersey on Monday morning and
he will stay for three days. He has
always wanted to go to Philly and well it is pretty close, so I figure that I
will take him there on Monday. Tuesday I
am thinking I will show him what a true boardwalk is like. I think that I will take him to Seaside
Heights. Then on Wednesday we will both
head back, but he might head up to his mom’s in upstate New York. I don’t think that I can go with him because
now that I finished my first part of training and passed that test, it is time
for me to find an internship and begin that phase of the process. Even though he has vacation, I really don’t.
Ok, it has been a while since I updated you all on my
school. Well, I signed up for my classes
for fall and I will be taking Human Anatomy & Physiology, World Lit to 16th
Century and Jazz History. I am not
looking forward to this semester, but I think I should do alright since I am
only taking nine credits instead of twelve.
I am super excited because Denny is going to take Jazz History with
me. I didn’t think he would be too
interested, but when we were talking about new activities he could do now that
he is sober and looking to find new outlooks, I mentioned that I had to take a
music class and he asked which one. I
told him that I am not too sure, but maybe Jazz History, he then said that he
might be interested in attending a class like that one. I am way excited to be taking a class with
him and this one seems like it might be fun.
If everything goes right, I will be done at the community
college next May and will begin at the state college in the following
fall. You have no idea how great that is
going to be. Even with all the pitfalls,
I managed to finish half of my education and that would mean that I stuck
through something, for basically the first time in my life. I don’t really share that excitement with
anyone, I kind of act nonchalant about it, but wow I am soooooo excited. I will finally have proof that I can do
something and do it pretty well.
I really think that my new goal setting is working for
me. I know the big goal and it sits in
the back of my mind, but I focus on the little stuff that will lead me to the
big goal. Believe it or not but the
first small goal I gave myself was getting out of bed, then going out of the
house, taking a bus, then volunteering somewhere and so on. From getting out of bed to beginning to
volunteering actually took me months to accomplish, but I did it and new goals
were added and now here I am, years later, and I am in my last two semesters at
the community college. Yeah that feels
real good, now that I write it out.
So my new small goals are, finish the last two semesters,
continue on with the Peer Wellness Coaching, and move back in with Denny. Not bad and amazing how big these goals would
have seemed back in 2008 when I was fighting to get myself out of bed. I think that is why I like working with
peers, because I can share where I have been and not make it seem like that is
the way it will always be, I can tell them how I got to where I am and how I am
going to get to where I want. What an
awesome feeling to share that with someone and they take it in and run with it.
Oh and in case you’re wondering what my BIG goal is, I want to
have a Master’s degree in Social Work and work with my peers using my
experience and book knowledge to show how they can see that having goals are
not a wish, but an actual possibility if they want to take the time and work
into it, and deal with the fears as they come, rather than piling them up and
make succeeding seem impossible.
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