Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

June 29, 2011 Home from Dad’s

Been home since Monday afternoon, and have not done anything of real substance since coming home.  Actually I think this is the first time after the end of the semester that I have actually spent a good amount of time home alone doing nothing.  Dennis thinks that I will go into a depression and just stay at home, but I reminded him that I have to go out on Thursday for an ear Doctor Appointment.  I have seriously considered canceling, but I really need to have my hearing aids adjusted, so it is not an option. 

My visit at Dad’s house was quite stressful.  Between my father given up and my brother being my brother, I was counting the days as soon as I got there.  When I took Dad to the doctor, the doctor informed me that Dad is not doing anything to help himself at all.  The doctor basically told me that if Dad doesn’t do anything to help himself, he will die soon.  I realized this already when I first got there, but to hear the doctor tell me made it more final.  The whole time that I was there at Dad’s, all Dad kept saying is how he wished that he would just die.  I can understand that Dad is depressed and if anyone should understand it, it should be me, but I found it hard to deal with. I did tell the doctor to put my father on an antidepressant and I can only hope that Dad takes them.

My brother was another issue.  He is so friggin self centered that it makes me sick.  Luckily my brother does love my Dad and kind of watches to make sure he doesn’t upset my father, but that doesn’t always work. I can’t understand why my brother feels the need to play his drums right in the room next to my father or that he has a lot of guys at the house to change the boiler now rather than later in the summer.

Another issue is the bathroom downstairs.  If my brother would just get that project done and move my father to that floor so he will not have to do the stairs, than that would help a lot.  It seems to me that doing the bathroom would be the first project that he should work on.  My brother forgets that it is Dad’s house still and making him comfortable is much more important right now.

I guess I am just rambling and really not making too much sense, but I am aggravated to the extreme, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I was asked once whether I would still converse with my brother after my Dad passed away and I have been thinking about it.  My answer would be no I don’t think that I would really have anything to talk to him about.  There was a time when we were little that we shared everything with each other, but now he is a person that I could not even share anything with.  There is no reason for me to converse with him.

Well I guess I rambled enough.  Time to find a picture for today…

With my birthday coming and my love for Winnie-the-Pooh I find that this picture of a NYC bus with the sign about the upcoming movie that starts a few days before my birthday to be fitting for me right now.  TTFN

1 comment:

  1. So sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in. One the one hand you are trying to help your father and on the other hand you can only do so much. You can't force your brother to get the bathroom fixed and it seems like your dad could care less. That is so sad. Hmmm...But at least your bro is getting something fixed. I do hope you don't fall into a reactive depression but it is understandable if you do. That depresses me just reading about it. How frustrating. I wish you all the best girl. Take it easy and do not worry about the future relationship you and your brother will have because that would only depress you further. (hug)