Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

June 1, 2011 New Day Program Highlights

The start of any kind of therapy gets on my nerves and today was quite trying at the intensive outpatient hospitalization big time.  What I dislike about starting new forms of therapy is the questions they ask.  They are all the same and I often wonder why they can’t take the time to pass this sort of information between the different programs.  What even made today worse was the fact that two people asked me the same questions that I don’t even want to answer in the first place.  Is it so friggin hard to just have them talk to each other and leave me the frig alone.

What else I didn’t like about today was the fact that I had in my head what I thought the place would be like by taking what I knew from other places just like it, or what I thought was just like it.  Well it was so much different then I even imagined it would be.

The first group was exactly what I expected for a first meeting though.  Those of you who have done this sort of thing will know what I mean.  I am guessing it is a sort of check in group where each person says how they are doing at the moment and then tell the group a goal you have set for yourself for the day.  I took the easy way out, because I didn’t know what to expect.  I said I am fine and my goal for the day was that I find the right bus to take home.  (Just a note, it is faster for me to walk there and home. I didn’t realize how close the hospital was to my house.)

I have taken three different Psychology classes and had yet to even cover Existential or Interpersonal Psychotherapy and this place uses both as far as I can see.  We started out with Existentialism and learned about Freedom, Isolation, Meaning, and Death.  The meanings of these are what you would think and then some.  I guess I found it interesting, because I didn’t straight out reject it in my mind, so I will give it a go.


Before lunch we were split up into three groups and spent an hour and a half in an interpersonal therapy group.  This group was way different, we didn’t have a topic, and we just talked about whatever.  A few times I was quite uncomfortable because people started to cry and that makes me very uncomfortable.  I am not insensitive or anything to the feelings of others, but I wanted nothing more than to bolt out the door when they would cry.  The reason I wanted to bolt is because I feel for those that cry and begin to feel as though I want to cry for them and well I don’t publicly cry or for that matter cry at all, but publicly is way out of the question with me.


I am eating lunch and two times I was interrupted because a therapist and med doc wanted to talk to me.  The med doc let me finish eating but the therapist lady told me I could take it with me, but I just threw the stuff in the garbage because there was no way I was going to sit there and answer her questions with a mouthful of food.  The med doc took me out of the last meeting about stress to ask me exactly the same questions that the therapist lady asked me.  Again, I don’t understand why they just can’t compare notes and leave me the frig alone about it.


I was exhausted after the interpersonal group and it didn’t change by the time I got home.  Why is this sort of thing so exhausting?  It felt like I was hit by a mac truck or something.  I thought this was going to be like four or five days but apparently it can go for two weeks.  I don’t know if I can handle this for two friggin weeks.  I got home around two thirty and well I was asleep by three.  Because of this, I woke up at midnight and am totally messed up with my sleep.  I mean I should be happy that I slept as long as I did, but it would have been nice to have slept at the right times.  Because my nap last for so long, I am way late for my meds.  I have to take them around five with something that represents dinner and here it is almost one and I am not hungry and I have to take my meds with food.  Who the hell eats dinner at one in the morning?  I think I will have some crackers, since that would be enough calories to take the meds with.


I can’t believe that I have to do this all over again tomorrow.  What I found funny was what the med doc said to me when I told him that my anxiety level was so high that I was going to go home and take something for it and he told me that the program was going to make it to where I would not have to do that anymore.  I am wondering how they plan on taking years of anxiety and make it go away in two weeks.  Hey if they can, great, but honestly I don’t know how they can do that, but we will see and keep an open mind to it.


Ok, let me look around for a photo for today…


Because of me feeling like I am out in the cold with this whole therapy thing, I decided that this photo was perfect.  It was taken this past winter up where Denny grew up.  It was unbelievably cold that day and the wind was strong with snow in the air.  I felt for this horse when I captured him trying to weather the storm.  So since I am in my own personal storm, this photo is perfect right now.

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