Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May 31, 2011 Expectations

It is five thirty in the morning and I am up for the outpatient program.  I have to be there by seven forty five, so that means that I have to catch the bus by six forty five.  I am not happy about this early morning thing at all, but I do admit that I am not opposed to it though; just wish they made it a little later is all.

New situations are not good for me, because I don’t like not knowing what to expect.  I think that is why I spend the day before every new situation in a state of anxiety.  Yesterday was no exception at all.  You all should see me between each new semester, I obsess about what to expect as far as the classroom, the course, and the instructor for the whole time.  I am always playing all different kind of scenarios in my head and it drives me crazy.  I try to distract myself all the time, but it always comes back.

So here I am trying to distract myself and it is not working; most likely because I am writing about it.  Because of this, I am going to switch gears and tell you what I did yesterday.  I originally planned to stay home, but when I left Denny’s house on Sunday, I left my meds there, so I had to go and get them.  I figured that I would only stay for a little bit, but stayed because it was so hot and he has AC and I don’t.  We didn’t do much but we talked a lot, which was very productive.  We talked a lot about our feelings, and I was able to get a lot off my chest as well as him.  I finally told him that I had been keeping his sister up to date about him for months and was happy to find that he was not mad, but actually happy that I cared enough about him to let his family know of my concerns.

We went to Walgreens and planned to just pick up a few things, but managed to pick up many things that we both needed.  Since I had always been the one to pick up all of his basic needs from tooth paste to shampoo and soap, he never got to get that sort of thing since I left.  Saturday I had picked up a lot of that stuff for him but there was still much to get because it had been since September that any of those things were picked up for him.  He really needs to get used to getting stuff for himself and I expressed that to him yesterday.  He says he knows and he also told me he was sorry for making me feel as though I had to do so much for him. Part of my care taking self really likes to do that sort of thing for him, but some part of me feels used at the same time, and that is not healthy. 

Next weekend is jam packed with helping Denny’s landlord get the apartment above Denny ready rent out in July.  The kids that moved out last night really did a number on the place and I have to assess the damages and let the landlord know what needs to be fixed (he lives in NC).  To those of you who are wondering, yes I will be paid for this.  The landlord is giving Denny a huge discount on one month’s rent and in lieu of that Denny is helping me finance a few things that I need, so everyone wins.

Also next weekend, we are going to go get an air conditioner for my place and I am going to be taking one of Denny’s living room chairs.  I am happy about that because all I really have is my bed and computer chair for places to sit.  Since I am in a studio it works as far as space goes but thankfully I have the room to add one of his chairs, so I will have a place to sit comfortably and read.

Well that is about all for now, so let me see which photo I will share today…

Alright, since I showed you a picture I took of my one cat Poohdog, here is the picture of my other cat, Roo.  I was actually quite amazed the curator at the art gallery that is interested in my photos really liked this photo.  This was taken one day when I was laying on the kitchen floor at Denny’s when I lived there; I was trying to see if I could capture the flame when Roo went to investigate and I was able to catch this shot.  Well that is it, and now I have to get ready to go, since it is almost six thirty.

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