Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Entry for May 9, 2011 Circling All Around Me

I still see everything around me, but it is like I don’t belong there anymore. I feel like I am just moving with the motions and don’t really have control on which way I turn.  To others around me, I am the me they know, but inside I am the me that only I know and hate.  Some who are close to me can see some difference and they note it, and tell me they see it and I am really sick for apologizing for it.

My thoughts just circle and circle all around me and I try to dismiss them and work around them, so I can function.  Sometimes to dismiss them, makes them stronger and harder to work with.  I can only medicate them for so long before they start to take over and I just disappear.  Sometimes I don’t want to turn down the volume, sometimes I just want to listen to the music loud and clear.  But it scares me to listen, so I dismiss and pray that I don’t get lost somewhere.

I hate this illness. If I could have one wish in this world, I would wish that I was never inflicted.  I do the why me scenario in my head so many times that now it has joined with the other circling thoughts within my mind.  I hate that when I am better; there is always that underlining wonder as to when it will return.  I never get too excited, because like life has shown me, there is an end. I am always prepared to fight, but I am never prepared to lose, yet I lose so much.  I know of only one way to end the illness and sometimes I think about it all the time.  I fantasize about it and see me doing it.  I know it is not healthy to think about, but lately that is where my head is at. 

Everyone says that God has a plan.  What is my plan?  Have I done it already?  Was my only plan to be my son’s mother, something I didn’t even do right?  Was my plan to have the shit that I was dealt?  The bible says we have the right to free will and that God has no control over those that do harm to another.  What the fuck is that about?  Isn’t he to protect?  I thought I heard something like that in the bible once or twice.  If I have free will then what I choose should not put against me because we are given that much power over ourselves. 

Two finals left to go.  I am almost done.  So what next?  I am not sure exactly, but I have some ideas.  Not sure it is something that I want to share as of yet.  My girlfriend knows me to well.  She said something that I was thinking and she called me on it.  So what do I do?  That is something that I will decide soon enough.  Oh yeah, picture time.  Let me see what I can find…

This picture I took in Hartford, NY some time ago.  To me it is my view of how the world works with me.  There is me up front and all the rest of the people behind me.  Only thing is in this those people are all dead and I remain still intact.  They are shells of their former selves and I must remain in the hell that is earth alone, though in a way they are still there.

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