I still see everything around me, but it is like I don’t belong there anymore. I feel like I am just moving with the motions and don’t really have control on which way I turn. To others around me, I am the me they know, but inside I am the me that only I know and hate. Some who are close to me can see some difference and they note it, and tell me they see it and I am really sick for apologizing for it.
My thoughts just circle and circle all around me and I try to dismiss them and work around them, so I can function. Sometimes to dismiss them, makes them stronger and harder to work with. I can only medicate them for so long before they start to take over and I just disappear. Sometimes I don’t want to turn down the volume, sometimes I just want to listen to the music loud and clear. But it scares me to listen, so I dismiss and pray that I don’t get lost somewhere.
I hate this illness. If I could have one wish in this world, I would wish that I was never inflicted. I do the why me scenario in my head so many times that now it has joined with the other circling thoughts within my mind. I hate that when I am better; there is always that underlining wonder as to when it will return. I never get too excited, because like life has shown me, there is an end. I am always prepared to fight, but I am never prepared to lose, yet I lose so much. I know of only one way to end the illness and sometimes I think about it all the time. I fantasize about it and see me doing it. I know it is not healthy to think about, but lately that is where my head is at.
Everyone says that God has a plan. What is my plan? Have I done it already? Was my only plan to be my son’s mother, something I didn’t even do right? Was my plan to have the shit that I was dealt? The bible says we have the right to free will and that God has no control over those that do harm to another. What the fuck is that about? Isn’t he to protect? I thought I heard something like that in the bible once or twice. If I have free will then what I choose should not put against me because we are given that much power over ourselves.
Two finals left to go. I am almost done. So what next? I am not sure exactly, but I have some ideas. Not sure it is something that I want to share as of yet. My girlfriend knows me to well. She said something that I was thinking and she called me on it. So what do I do? That is something that I will decide soon enough. Oh yeah, picture time. Let me see what I can find…
This picture I took in Hartford, NY some time ago. To me it is my view of how the world works with me. There is me up front and all the rest of the people behind me. Only thing is in this those people are all dead and I remain still intact. They are shells of their former selves and I must remain in the hell that is earth alone, though in a way they are still there.