Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Monday, May 30, 2011

May 30, 2011 A Small Amount of Relief

Went out with Denny last night and really enjoyed myself for the first time in quite a long while.  The only thing is, it was short lived.  This morning I woke up and felt that black cloud over me again.  What the hell is wrong with me?  It is one in the morning and I am in a state of dread and wide fringing awake. Usually it only takes about fifteen minutes of TV to fall asleep, but so far I have watched Kong fu Panda and two episodes of Two and a Half Men and still wide awake.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I was in a good state but this bites!

Well I will tell you all about last night and maybe that will help.  I met Denny after he finished work and we headed to a place called Local 121.  It is a restaurant that uses mostly local grown ingredients and their food is far from typical restaurant food.  We ordered chowder that we shared and two entrees that we also shared.  The entrees were chicken with different type of veggies and this great sauce and scallops that were garnished with what looked like clovers you find in the grass that I didn’t even try because it kina grossed me out. 

After we ate dinner and had a great conversation we headed down to the Waterfire and took many pictures.  I used my camera and the new tripod I picked up.  Denny used his point and shoot camera and I tried to explain to him that he would not be able to get the kind of photos that he wanted.  I still have not mastered the whole night photo shots, but I think I am getting closer.  The new tripod is awesome.  It is one of those twelve inch grip ones that you can grip it to other surfaces and it does it quite nicely, even with my heavy camera.

Here is one picture that I took at Waterfire.  Let me know what you think…

We walked slowly back to Denny’s after we finished at the Waterfire.  Usually I don’t like that walk but the night was the perfect temperature and there was a light breeze that made it so much better.  We finished the night with the movie Sandlot.  I really like that movie and I am not quite sure why.

Ok I just talked about what I did Saturday night and still nothing is different.  My God what is wrong with me?  I think what is bothering me most about this feeling is the intrusive thoughts that run through my mind.  It is because of these thoughts that I agreed to go in patient.  I can’t believe I am saying this but I am really glad that I will be going to the weeklong intensive care outpatient program.  Maybe they will figure something out to help me out with these thoughts.  I was hoping that the new medication was starting to work but I think it was the distraction of going out.

I am wondering what kind of things I can do to keep myself distracted that doesn’t cost a small fortune.  I do know that if this does not go away by September I will not be taking any classed.  There is no way I am going to go through what I did the last three months again if I can help it. 

At my mental health center there is a program to help to lose weight and I might do that.  It is the least they can offer since in most cases the weight gain is from the friggin meds they prescribe.  You should see the waiting area over there.  Almost everyone is overweight and you can tell that it comes from the meds.

Well I am going to try and fall asleep again.  I only have a small window of opportunity with the med I just took before I started this.  Wish me luck.

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