Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Entry for May 5, 2011 Seven Days to Go

Friday night I called my mental health center’s crisis line because my thoughts in my mind were all over the place and I did not like where they were going.  I did not like them one bit.  When I called though, the woman was not helpful in any way what so ever.  She just kept on repeating that I should go to the ER and I explained to her that it was not an option for two reasons.  I basically just got off the phone with her and called my girlfriend and talked to her for quite a long while.  Now see that helped.
Ended up taking something to help me to crash in my bed and managed to fall asleep for a couple of hours.  Not saying that things are much better at this time but I am managing.  I am aware of the intrusive thoughts and dismissing them as best as I can for now.  Took some of the same as I did Friday night, last night and I might be able to keep that up for the next two weeks.  I have one day of classes left and two days of finals and then I am done.  That will be seven days from now.  I have made it this far and I am determined to make it the rest of the way. I figure if I concentrate on Denny and helping him and my classes, I should be able to do it.

I wonder though if I am just talking myself into it.  Whatever it is that is working, I guess I will go with it.  Like Saturday I went to Denny’s house and cleared it out of alcohol and other means of getting a buzz.  I did however forget to take his cooking wine out of the house.  I called his roommate and tell him to take care of that for me. I didn’t clean his room, because I got to thinking about something important.  He is going to have to fill his days with something rather than going out and drinking, so I left his large pile of laundry for him to do.

Two exams today.  Two papers to turn in also.  I think that I am ready for the two exams today, well no matter what I have to be ready.  There is no threat of failing a class, so I guess I am good on that end.  Funny thing is, last semester I had to get A’s, but this semester all I care about is at least passing.  I do know that if I don’t feel better by the first week in September I am going to withdraw for that semester.  I AM NOT GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN!

So here it is six in the morning and I am dressed and ready for my classes and let me tell you how friggin difficult it was to get out of bed.  At least tomorrow I don’t have to go anywhere at all.  Let’s just hope the friggin building manager doesn’t come knocking on my door to try and fix whatever problems they found when they came here yesterday.  Well that is about all for now.  Wish me luck today.  Oh yeah that is right…let me find a picture for today.

Alright, this shot was taken on Tuesday, during my walk to Denny’s.  I have been trying to get spring shots to try and boost my mood.  Doesn’t seem to be working, but at least I am trying. 

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