Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Friday, May 27, 2011

May 27, 2011 Guilt and First Celebration

Spent the last five days inpatient in a hospital this time and can’t say I am fixed or it was a waste of time, but I can say at least at this moment I can have a bit of concentration, but definitely typing quite slow and many mistakes so far.  This is just something to note for the doctor on Tuesday when I go to the Partial Hospital thingy.

Something I feel really bad about is the fact that I lied to my parents about where I have been.  I made up stories about places that I was going to that was keeping me from being able to call them.  Dad won’t even question anything and honestly I don’t feel that bad about him, because his memory is slowing down a bit right now so he might not even notice the gaps in me calling him.  Mom on the other hand is quite alert and she might catch on.  So you might be wondering why is that I kept this from them, well there are two reasons really.  The first and most important is the fact that at this stage in their life it is not something they need to worry about, that is of course if they do in the first place.  Seriously, sometimes I just think that they pretend to care about the happenings in my life.  Second reason is important to me because of the fact that I really don’t want to have to explain to them that I have lots of intrusive thoughts and I don’t want to have to explain the process in which my mind is going.  The guilt of my lying is a lot lower then dealing with explaining shit to them.

Well the hospital Doctor didn’t like the choice of med that the crisis place gave me and he prescribed Geodon.  I am deliberately trying to not to look at side effects but kind of took a quick look today because of a faint feeling that I had.  That feeling could have been from the sun, but who knows.  I going to try and stick with the meds for now and try to be on time with them. 

There is going to be a Waterfire here in Providence tomorrow and Denny and I are going to go to it and have dinner.  It will be the first time we dine out since his alcohol drink, and I am a bit nervous but going out is going to be a bit of a celebration of his recovery.  I am wondering if I can find some kind of card or something to get for him for his first month.  He forgot to get his chip today but he will remember for his next meeting.

Since I will be trying so night features on my camera at the Waterfire, I figured that I would share with you I shot I took before so you can see how bad I am at taking night shots…

In case you want to know about Waterfire

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