Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Entry for May 10, 2011 Thinking Things Out

Today is a “family” meeting at the program that Denny is at and he wants me there around two.  So I am going to have to put on a mask to let the counselor think that I am healthy enough to help him.  This should be interesting. Guess this is going to be the time that they tell me what I am doing wrong in helping him with his recovery.  Most likely they are going to tell me that I am too controlling with him.  It was not me who asked to have me take over his bills.  Already he is asking for his bank cards back.  Fuck it, if he wants them he can take care of his own bills, because I am not going to try and get him out of debt and have him sabotage everything that I do. I know that will be brought up, because he already said that he wants to talk about it.  Hey, screw it; I will not be the one that is homeless.  He has no idea how lucky he is that his landlord is so mega kewl about getting late checks or bounced ones.

Since I have moved out eight months ago, he has never paid his rent on time and he bounced the check at least four times.  He has had his cable turned off two times and he has had to borrow money from me and a two week loan place.  Now this would not be so bad except for the fact that he makes plenty of money.  I have told him for years that all he has to do is keep four hundred dollars aside to pay his bills a week and I even convinced him to break up his direct pay between two accounts and when I lived with him I was able to guide him along.  Whatever, I am done.  I am not going to help him, if he can’t let me help him.

I have a final tomorrow and I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.  I have a study sheet and I can’t concentrate enough to do it.  At this point, all I am thinking is that I have to show up and do the best that I can.  I will pass the course regardless anyway.  I am not as sure about passing with the final I have on Thursday so I guess I will force myself to get some kind of studying. 

I am giving some consideration to going inpatient at the hospital.  I really seriously hate to go, but I am beginning to scare myself.  I really don’t know what the hospital is going to do for me that I can’t do for myself.  After all, all I really have to do is take some meds and get some regular sleep and build some kind of structured days for the summer.  I think that what is scaring me the most is I have resorted to doing things I have not done in years and well if it is found out I might end up in the hospital anyway and not on my own accord like I would want it to be. It is a lot harder to leave when someone else decides that you need to go in.  I figure if I have to do what I have to do to stay out for at least these three days then it will be ok.  I mean I am not hurting anyone but myself and I am really doing anything way out there.  Guess I am sitting here trying to convince myself that everything will be ok and starting on Thursday I will take meds.

Hopefully my body will be used to the meds before I start classes in the fall, but if not I will choose classes over meds, because I have proven to myself that I am able to do a whole semester without them.  Sure there are tough times like right now, but if I can’t concentrate on my classes it would be worse to fail because of a chemical that does not need to be in my system.  If my cycles remain the same, I will actually be alright for about two years, I just have to get through this summer and I will be golden. 

Denny wants to go to the movies tonight since it is six dollar movie day here at the mall.  I think he mentioned that he wants to see two movies, the fast and furious one and Thor.  At least one of them will be at IMAX and 3D.  Alright so let me take a look around for a picture for today…

So for today I am picking one of the Niagara Falls shots that I took almost two years ago.  I am picking this because of how my thoughts are running it is like the power behind the falls themselves.  It is almost like all my thoughts are running down into this pit and well you get the idea.  Just wish that I had a river that the thoughts could run down, instead of the dam that holds on to them and recycles them. Well that is it.

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