Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Entry for May 10, 2011 Trying to Unleash the…

Sometimes I just wish I could cry and let all this shit out.  I just spent the better part of an hour trying to get myself to do so.  I figured it out; it has been well over two years since I last let out the tears.  Part of me is way afraid to let them run, because once they start, will I be able to stop them and will the tears make me so uncontrollable that I will totally lose it?  I have come to terms with the fact that I might never ever be able to do it again.  Even in pain, I have no liquid coming out of my eyes.  Just figured that I would write this so I can document it and see how much longer this is going to be.  Oh fuck it; I am done even thinking about it for now. 

Exam tomorrow.  Worked the study sheet and feel ok about the exam for now anyways.  Have to work on other study sheet, but I am done for now.

Never met with Denny’s therapist, because the program messed up his discharge day.  You all know how it is, it is all about insurance.  Well that is all for now.  Just waiting for sleep to come on to me.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you and hoping you can watch a sad movie like Schindler's List or 28 Days to get yourself tearing up. I cry at the drop of a hat. I am dramatic like that. If you like I can cry for you. Seriously right now. lol.