Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.



Friday, May 6, 2011

Entry for May 6, 2011 When One is Sick, the Rest Follows

Two exams to go and I am done!!!  Can’t believe that I have made it.  So on Wednesday and Thursday I have exams and then that is it.  I was going to stay home all day today but decided that I would return the three books that I am all done with today.  Who knows, maybe I will stop at the mall.  I am desperate need of some new jeans and since I am getting some money back for the books, I might just have enough to get new ones.  Well at least I am functioning enough to be able to do this stuff.  Honestly though, I am by the means that I didn’t want to take, but at least I am doing stuff.

Denny is doing quite well in his treatment.  His doctor wants to put him on some sort of drug that will give him some kind of bad reaction to alcohol.  The doctor told him though that he really has to be committed to be able to take the drug.  I am wondering though if he is serious enough to really go through with taking something that will make him extremely sick if he fails. 

I am worried about everyone I know.  It seems like everyone is going through something.  Funny thing is, I have run into this sort of thing before with everyone I know, except for Denny and now here I am with all the people I love and even Denny going through something.  I am sick myself and can’t be.  I can’t even take the time to deal with my shit and here everyone is in crisis mode.  So where does that leave me, well I guess I can write here, like I have been doing.

Honestly I am kina done with thinking about all the crap that is going on.  Sometimes I think about the nothingness that one of my friends had been talking about once we are done here on earth and it seems quite welcoming.  I imagine what it would be like not to feel anything, to have complete peace.  Then of course that is when I also thinking about how there could really be a heaven and well that even seems better.  I imagine floating up on a cloud and having no flashbacks or mental pain and well that is usually when I try and fight with those thoughts and say that I really need to be here for all those people who are usually there for me.  Now I am just thinking here, I am not in a planning mode, just thinking is all.

Maybe that is why I am forcing myself to get up and head out of the apartment today.  I will take a long bus ride and return my books and see about getting some jeans and then take care of some banking for Denny and come home and find something for me to do for the next day.  I just hope that I can keep my mind on those that need me, rather than anything else my mind will think.

Well gotta catch a bus so let me go look for a picture for today…..



Alright this is a shot I took from the Double Tree hotel in Cambridge, MA a couple of years ago.  I was actually quite surprised at how well it turned out.  I really love the pink in the sky, hence the reason I took it in the first place.
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