Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Entry for April 29, 2011 Too Much

This week I was hit with a surprise.  First I have to tell you that some time in the late fall I had a discussion with Denny about his drinking and how if ever he wanted help, I would do all that I could to help him.  Well Tuesday we were out having pizza and he tells me that he wanted to take me up on my offer.  I was like, seriously, and he was like yes. So since Tuesday I have been working to help Denny to get the help he needs.  Well right now he is in the hospital and will either be going to a partial hospitalization or to a program where he goes home each night.  I am hoping for the partial hospitalization, but at least he is doing something.  This is the first time he has ever tried anything to help his drinking and he has been a heavy drinker for thirty years.

At least for two days I had something else on my mind other then my shit, but as with anything you’re trying to avoid, it is still there.  Today I went to see him at the hospital and then like a wave my shit came back.  My God, when is this shit going to friggin stop?  How am I going to be able to be there for him, finish my last two weeks of school, clean his apartment, clean his finances and keep me in check all at the same time?  Three days of classes left and two days of finals, that is what I am thinking right now.  It is way too late to even consider taking an incomplete.  It would be a mega waste of time. 

With me focusing on Denny it kind of calmed my racing thoughts, but today they came back with a vengeance.  It is so bad that I even called and left a really crazy message with my therapist.  She will most likely get that on Monday.  At least tomorrow I will be at Denny’s house cleaning it.  I am really hoping that I can focus on that and keep my thoughts more leveled.  We shall see.  You know, I didn’t even know what I was going to talk to my therapist about in the first place.  Guess I just needed someone to talk to.  All my friends are busy and not answering their phones.  Maybe they are just tired of me being off.  I mean I try as hell to spare them the thoughts that are running around in my head.  Well it doesn’t matter.

Think I am going to lie down.  No picture today.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you find a way to get through this with Denny and school in tact. I can assure you that their is nothing more precious than a friend who sticks with you through rehab. I only have one friend that stuck by me despite how mean I was to her at times. God give you strength.