Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Entry for April 24, 2011 Our Pets Help Us Not to Feel All Alone

Spent the better part of yesterday and last night working on my final project for English Comp, and I guess I can say that for the most part I am done.  Thank God I was able to that much done.  I still have a hundred question take home exam for social psychology to get done and I am not even half way through.  I am giving up for now though. 

I have not heard from Denny since Friday early evening.  I am kind of worried, not about where he is or anything, but for the responsibilities he is not taking care of.  I know, not my problem, but it is just so hard to see him making really stupid choices.  I know that is why he has not called me, because he didn’t take my warnings and made bad choices.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother, because he never listens and then when I am right, he ignores me, because he doesn’t want me to say. “I told you so.”

Being alone so far this weekend had brought something to my mind, like I really need more at this point.  I started out all alone in the world since my birth parents just basically dumped me off and left right after my birth.  As I sit here now even I have the whole feeling of being all alone.  I remember even after I was adopted feeling alone all the time.  Seemed like no one actually cared what I did, unless of course they were embarrassed by my actions. I would get up when I was a young kid and go about my business doing whatever and honestly I wonder if anyone even cared what it was I was doing.

When I was a teenager and lived alone with my mother, you might as well have said I lived alone.  I had a dog though.  She was great.  Had her since I moved in with my parents I think.  I can remember that whenever I felt completely alone she was there and she would always be right next to me.  She was a great dog.  Here it almost thirty years since she died and I still miss her from time to time.  Shit, I still have a picture of her in my iPod.  I guess if someone was to ask me who was the one person in my family that I loved the most while I was growing up, I would say it would be my dog, since at any given time she was the one true being that really seemed to care about me all the time.

Gram and my sister Tammy would also be important to me while I was growing up, but Gram was in another state and well Tammy was trying to live her own life and figure out where she fit in.  Honestly, I think that Tammy felt the same way I did to some degree.  See with Tammy she was the oldest and shared something special with my parents and then my brother Tommy well he was the golden child.  It just seemed to me that in the order of things in my home growing up was first Tommy the golden child and then Tammy because she was their first try at a child and lastly if there was anything left, that is what I got.  I always felt like each time I tried to seek any kind of attention from my family I was received with a feeling of dread from those that I looked for it from.  Mom often got annoyed at me as did my dad.  Dad just seemed to make sure that I had the basic needs.

Koko, my dog though, she was always there for me.  If I was sad she nuzzled up on me to let me know she was there. If I was happy, she was there to jump around and let me know she was excited as well.  If I was scared she seemed to sense it and let me know that she was on duty.  Those last years with her, it was just me and mom in the house and many times I was home alone and scared out of my mind.  I never actually told anyone that, but I seriously was and Koko would lay down with me in my bed and protect me from the big bad world that existed outside of my room.

When she died it was the one of the hardest times of my life, because for the first time in a long time, I was completely and utterly alone. From time to time there was Tammy and Gram but for the most part, it was just me.

Now that I have moved away from Denny, my Gram and Tammy have both died and my son and friends are so far away, I am feeling I guess like I did after Koko died.  Maybe that is why I am really thinking of her.  I feel as though I could just easily slip away and all would be fine in the world.  Sure there would be those that miss me, but they could live their lives and remember some of the good times and such, but seriously, I could.  I am not going to, but it really is a terrible feeling to know that I could.

I didn’t have to go and look around to find the picture I wanted to post in this blog, because I already knew as soon as I wrote about Koko.  This picture was taken in the 70’s in NJ.  I have yet to see a dog that looks like she did.

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