I wish I could tell you all that I am feeling a 100% better, shit I would love to say that I feel 50% better for that matter. I am not sure how it is that I am making it through this, but so far I am. Funny thing is, no one can tell I am going through this thing. Guess I am really good at saving face or something.
I think it is great that I can write this out somewhere, because it is a bitch to act as if everything is going alright and to try and take my classes and pass and keep up with how well I did last semester. I find that I am forcing myself to open books and do the assigned work and readings needed to pass the courses. At least I am doing ok in that area.
Thankfully the mental health center that I conduct the Connection groups at had a flood in their basement last month. Because of the flood, we put the group in hiatus for the month of April. This is good for me because, I don’t have to act as if everything in my life is in control. I guess that is the worst part of being the facilitator in a peer run support group. The most that I can say is, “I am having some symptoms of my illness.” Damn, seriously, I would not mind that. This is kicking me hard.
At least I get to express myself here and not let anyone down. I hate the fact that I have done so well that I am expected to keep it up all the time. I know part of that is on me, since I don’t like to let people down. However there is a group of people at my mental health center that do look up to me as someone who is “making it.” Sometimes I wish I could tell them that even though I have done well in the past, I do have an illness that creeps it wicked head around to remind me that I do in fact have an incurable mental illness, that is just not going to go away.
Maybe that is what is bothering me the most. That whole thing about how there is nothing to cure it, only something that could keep it at bay until whatever medicine you are taking decides to work with your body to become less active. Then it is back to trying whatever it is that works well with you enough to let you try and become an active member of society. What the f&*^ is that all about. Not like I am really good about remembering to take the stuff in the first place, but I wonder, what is the point. It is only temporary in the first place and besides these doctors don’t even have this set as an exact science. They are guessing as to whether or not these drugs are going to help or not. Let’s not even get into all the friggin side effects!!! My God, does anyone have a clue as to how many people with mental illness also have medical issues that came about from the medicines they are taking for their mental illness. It is just totally crazy.
Lastly, who is to say that we who suffer with mental illness are the sick ones in the first place! Maybe we are the healthy ones and those that are so called mental illness free, really the ones who suffer. Think about it. Those that don’t suffer, don’t think. They go about their days, doing things in robot fashion, with no thought process. Must do, is where their mindset is. Who the f^&* wants to think that way. Yes, I over think things and contemplate everything, but at least I use my mind, and question things, and not walk aimlessly around doing as I am told.
Ok so this was a rant. And I kina went way everywhere, and I am not even manic. Go figure on that one. Maybe it is because I am mad, mad that I feel as though I can express what I am really feeling, because it makes OTHER people uncomfortable! Oh well, not one person can change the thinking of everyone. I am signing off, since I have to leave for class in like fifteen minutes. TTFN
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