Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Entry for April 19, 2011 Expectations

Expectations, we all have people that expect things from us.  It is the way the world is and has always been and always will be. I thought about that today.  Expectations, which others have for you.  You might want to do something for you but it becomes something an expectation.  And because of this, should you feel like you don’t want to do it anymore, you can’t quit, because you will let another person down. Even when you feel like you have lost yourself somewhere, there is that need to accomplish that thing that people are expecting you to do and to do it well. Even as you keep on going, you think of those that you will let down, and that keeps you going.

So what would happen if you finish that expectation and then make it so there will be no more for you or for others to expect from you.  Is it then that you have all your options open, open to do anything that you really want to do, regardless of those people in your life? 

With the semester ending I have been thinking about this a lot.  Everyone I know is supporting me and at the same time expecting me to do my best.  I know that this comes from me.  After all, isn’t that how it works?  When we have a friend or family member who is really trying to go for themselves, don’t we cheer them on and really root for them, to help them get through it.

So what happens when you fail?  Well for the people who support the person who failed it is a big let down and it is hard for the supporter to respond, because no one wants to vocalize anything that is negative. 
The person who failed at something has the tough job of telling everyone that they didn’t do it or do it the way they wanted to in the first place.  There is always that feeling of letting the supporter down and causing them to be in a downer, because we as humans don’t like to vocalize anything that is negative.

So we are stuck in this endless circle of getting excited for something we want to do or something someone close to us wants to do.  Now sometimes we get that wonderful feeling of a positive outcome and those times give a good feeling inside, but then there are those other times, the hard times, when failure is the outcome and we are left with those negative feelings.

So the question here is, is it better to not have a expectations and not have the possible negative outcomes or is it better to have the expectations and hope for the positive ones?  Which outweighs the other?

Ok, going to find a picture that kina fits with this one.  Off to my collection…

This one that I picked is one that I had taken in Utica, NY in mid fall of a few years ago.  I picked this one because even though it looks like the leaf is all alone to endure the newly fallen snow alone, there are some blades of grass there to support it, just like we as humans support each other.  Kind of what I was talking about here today.

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