Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

April 15, 2011 Just a Taste of My Mind

Having not done a thing all day today, has tired me out.  Can’t tell if it is the lack of doing anything or it is the depression or both.  Oh well, who knows.  I am thinking that even though I have a lot of school work to do for the weekend, I am going to take the bus down to the beach and see if I can get any pictures taken.  It was actually kind of an idea that my therapist had, but I extended it a bit.  I mean she said something about walking around here and getting some shots and well I am the one who decided to take the hour and a half bus ride to the beach.

You know it was supposed to be this time that some of my photos would have been displayed at the art gallery and because of my friggin illness; I am unable to even get my photos ready for it.  It would have been nice to have been able to sell at least one of my photos, and be able to say that I was a photographer. Such as life.

Talked with Denny today. Well he finally got copies of his W-2’s and sure enough, I was right.  He owes the government and for three years. I told him for quite a few years that he really needed to let me do them, but no he would not listen to me, and now he has like mega taxes, interest and penalties that he is going to have to pay.  I know I should not get worked up or concerned about this, since it is his problem and not mine, but I can’t help it. 

I was thinking about how maybe if I didn’t feel what others felt so much, and then maybe I would be alright.  Seems I only feel the hurt that everyone feels more than the good feelings.  Now doesn’t that just suck ass.  I seem to think so.

I only have fourteen more days that I have to actually go to classes and twenty seven days until I am finished for the semester.  I am thinking my calculations were a bit off the other day.  OMG I just have to make it to the end.  Well that is good that I have that goal, you know something to look forward to.  Something that I can beat, you know what I mean.  I figure if I focus on getting through the rest of the semester then I can just concentrate on that, and for now that seems to be working for me. 

I made a hard decision the other day.  I decided to actually trust my med doctor and let her prescribe anything that she feels is right for me and I won’t question it at all.  Anyone who really knows me knows that this is major.  I am always looking at the side effects of meds and then get freaked out about taking them.  I guess the biggest side effect I worry the most about is weight gain.  Friggin, since I have been taking psyc meds I have gained so much weight.  Now I am not saying that I was some skinny minny but shit, I was not as I am now. 

You know what I really don’t like.  When you feel like I do and you think about ways that you can leave the situation and you express it to someone, they always ask you how would your significant others feel about your choices.  I am sorry but it is hard to think about that.  I know that it is selfish to say it like that and I do love the people in my life, but I also know that people revolve.  That is all I got to say about that.  I do have to add that I don’t see myself at the point of making any kind of radical choices, I am just rambling.

When I sit here at the computer and type away, I let my mind decide what to say and well shit, welcome to my ride.  It is very hard to take things from my mind and put them to words sometimes, because my mind is like the old time projectors that would flash with each new slide.  You have to hurry up and grab something to make some sense of it.  A lot of my thoughts are not like before when I have felt this way, which is concerning me a bit, well a little more than a bit, but I am maintaining and that is good for now. 

Twenty seven more days.  I have to make it because so much rides on it. There is so much that I can lose and honestly now it doesn’t mean that much to me, but I know myself all too well, it will matter to me later and I really don’t want to f something up that I will hate myself more later.  There is enough of that low self esteem going on here that I don’t need to add more for myself later.  So I figure if I stay as focused as I can for now, I will make it through the next twenty seven more days.

Alright, so now that I decided that I am going to switch from my looking back pictures to my own that I have taken over the years, I think it is time for me to go looking into my collection and see which one fits anything that I discussed here.  Be right back with a picture.

This one I picked because I mentioned that hopefully tomorrow I will make it to the beach to take some shots and well this is where I am hoping to make it to.  This shot was taken last year with my friend and her daughter.  They came here to visit and we decided to head to the beach and I got a lot of shots that day. 

Just a side note.  Even though this is posted on Sunday, it was around midnight so in my book it is still Friday so hope it didn’t confuse anyone reading this.  TTFN

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