Sitting here in the dark, except for the screen before me, I decided that I would just write for a bit. For what I am going to write about I am not sure, just gonna let my fingers type alone to the thoughts that I can catch in my head. It is funny how so many thoughts can pass through my mind in such a short period of time. I can’t understand why it is like that actually. When I am manic I have so many thoughts and when I am depressed I have so many thoughts, so when am I ever gonna catch a break.
Granted though, my thoughts do run different with each of the two. I guess if I was going to pick the thoughts of mania or depression I would pick mania for sure. At least with mania they are not so dark and twisted. I am really not liking the things I have been thinking about lately. I am gonna spare any of you who actually read this crap the actual thought process. I have to admit; this time is a bit different then other depression, because of the fact that my thoughts used to be inward and didn’t give me a feeling of fear of what I could actually be capable of. Guess everyone has the capability of such things that I have been thinking about, but it sucks to have them in your face all the time.
Thank God I am almost at the finish line with school. I am so thankful I have been able to hang on to that for now. I actually had a fleeting thought of taking an incomplete but decided with only a short time to go and the fact that I have been hanging on this long that I will continue til the end.
I am mega worried about taking meds again. All those frigging side effects are just crazy. They (the so called professionals) say that the meds will help to better improve the quality of life. OK. Then tell me this, why so many people who take those friggin drugs all are messed up physically. And the friggin weight gain. What the fuck is that about anyways. Aren’t we all walking around thinking we are freaks already, do we really need the extra weight gain to really boost our low self esteem and really let the world know we are different in the first place.
Let’s not even go into the spacey feeling we get from the meds, I mean come on. Oh they say…it is to calm you down…yeah calm us down do much that we are basically walking zombies and able to function through life and be good little members of society. Oh yes, I am so looking forward to those days that just start blending together and making everyone around me feel like the meds a “working.”
Like I said, this blog is brought to you today from the inner workings of my frontal lobe. Sorry for anything that you don’t agree with or those things that you do. No picture today, just because I have taken one of their meds today to “calm” me down and hopefully I will get some sleep, because tomorrow is seventeen days until I am finished for the semester and I really need to stay focused on the plan I have set for myself. What I do after that day, I have no idea, what I do know is I am NOT going to go anywhere that requires me to leave my apartment for more than six hour intervals.