Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Entry for April 25, 2011 Society’s Little Helper in the Form of a Pill

Sitting here in the dark, except for the screen before me, I decided that I would just write for a bit.  For what I am going to write about I am not sure, just gonna let my fingers type alone to the thoughts that I can catch in my head.  It is funny how so many thoughts can pass through my mind in such a short period of time.  I can’t understand why it is like that actually.  When I am manic I have so many thoughts and when I am depressed I have so many thoughts, so when am I ever gonna catch a break.

Granted though, my thoughts do run different with each of the two.  I guess if I was going to pick the thoughts of mania or depression I would pick mania for sure.  At least with mania they are not so dark and twisted.  I am really not liking the things I have been thinking about lately.  I am gonna spare any of you who actually read this crap the actual thought process.  I have to admit; this time is a bit different then other depression, because of the fact that my thoughts used to be inward and didn’t give me a feeling of fear of what I could actually be capable of.  Guess everyone has the capability of such things that I have been thinking about, but it sucks to have them in your face all the time.

Thank God I am almost at the finish line with school.  I am so thankful I have been able to hang on to that for now.  I actually had a fleeting thought of taking an incomplete but decided with only a short time to go and the fact that I have been hanging on this long that I will continue til the end.

I am mega worried about taking meds again.  All those frigging side effects are just crazy.  They (the so called professionals) say that the meds will help to better improve the quality of life.  OK. Then tell me this, why so many people who take those friggin drugs all are messed up physically.  And the friggin weight gain.  What the fuck is that about anyways.  Aren’t we all walking around thinking we are freaks already, do we really need the extra weight gain to really boost our low self esteem and really let the world know we are different in the first place. 

Let’s not even go into the spacey feeling we get from the meds, I mean come on.  Oh they say…it is to calm you down…yeah calm us down do much that we are basically walking zombies and able to function through life and be good little members of society.  Oh yes, I am so looking forward to those days that just start blending together and making everyone around me feel like the meds a “working.” 

Like I said, this blog is brought to you today from the inner workings of my frontal lobe.  Sorry for anything that you don’t agree with or those things that you do.  No picture today, just because I have taken one of their meds today to “calm” me down and hopefully I will get some sleep, because tomorrow is seventeen days until I am finished for the semester and I really need to stay focused on the plan I have set for myself.  What I do after that day, I have no idea, what I do know is I am NOT going to go anywhere that requires me to leave my apartment for more than six hour intervals.

1 comment:

  1. In my more paranoid times I was overwhelmed with the idea that there is a conspiracy to make the mentally ill physically unappealing so we would be removed from the gene pool. I completely agree with your assessment of the meds and their spacing out abilities. Why do we drink the cool aid? Because well, I for one function better and can actually work when I take the meds. I am excited for you to be finishing school! Three cheers! Hope you feel better soon....it may be time to take some medicine.