Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Entry for April 23, 2011 Honor thy What?

The count as of today is eight actual days I have to go to classes, two final days, and 19 days until the end of the semester. Maybe it is not a good idea to be counting down since it looks like a lot of days until the end of the semester and it is not helping me to see that, but I can’t help it.

Spent today doing absolutely nothing except lying in bed and being on the computer.  Lying down in bed is not good for me but since I have nothing else better to do other than homework, it seems like a better choice.  So now I wonder, what is it going to be like in 19 days when I am done and have no responsibly? Will I spend my days laying in bed and watching shit on TV that I totally forget about once they are done?  I had the TV on and honestly, I have no idea what it was that I was watching.  I vaguely remember Will and Grace, but not sure if that was last night or today.  OMG this is bad.  Reminds me of two years ago major, only difference is I am alone here and don’t have Denny to remind me that there is an outside world out there. 

Maybe this weekend is tough because of the fact that I have not heard from Denny since last night.  I am guessing that he is getting annoyed with me being on a downer and all and since I don’t live with him, he doesn’t have to see it if he doesn’t want to.

Tomorrow is Easter.  Not much to say on that really.  I have no plans.  Suppose I could go to church or something and get all connected to God or whatever, but honestly that is hard for me right now.  Yeah I know, we don’t have God on a time schedule or anything and if we believe that we believe and blah blah blah. 

I was really serious in a church back in Virginia and well at that time I was in a marriage from hell.  I told a Pastor about the whole situation and was quite honest with him and all, and you know what he told me….Fuckin!!! he said that our vows are sacred or something like that and then quoted the scripture about wives honoring your husbands.  What the fuck was that shit.  Here I was almost every day wondering if this man that I lived with was going to beat the shit out of me and here was this asshole Pastor basically telling me to obey my husband.  I did though look up those verses and it also stated, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

When I brought this to the attention of that friggin Pastor he basically said that it was me who needed to comply first and how was a man going to be able to do that for me if I would not obey him.  I was like WTF.  One would think that this transpired somewhere in the 50’s or even the 70’s, but no this happened around the early 2000’s.  Crazy but true.  What I find amazing is how I still receive emails from this Pastor about his program that he runs for addiction recovery.  I wonder why I do, since I don’t even have an addiction problem.  Whatever.  Just something my brain was thinking while I had this page open.  Ok time to find a picture.  Be right back…

I guess, since I am feeling all alone right now, I will share a picture I took one fall of one of the miniature pumpkins that I buy each year.  Well TTFN.

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