Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Entry for April 13, 2011 Almost There

Sixteen actual days left of classes.  Thirty two days until I am finished with classes.  Each day that passes I wonder if I am going to make it.  Absences are maxed out in all my classes.  I can do this, I can make it through.  My grades are passing and I should be happy with that, but honestly it is making me even more depressed, knowing that I am not working to my full potential.

Trying to get the assignments done for the classes are really a hard task.  I get the study area ready and open the books, but my mind is always somewhere else. I have been putting on music for most of it, and it is helping some, but I can’t do that for reading though. 

I really shouldn’t be complaining since I am getting up and going to classes and passing, but it is such a struggle to do those things.  Last semester I was rocking.  This one, I feel like I am swimming in syrup or something. 

Now after me telling you all about how may days I have left of classes, that I would be looking forward to being done for the semester, but I am not.  At least with classes I know I have to get up and go somewhere.  When classes are done, there is no reason to get up and get going.  I am already coming up with ways to explain to my father that I am not going to make it to visit him this summer.  The good thing with that though is I have not actually said anything to him yet.

I am going to have to build a structured summer for myself at this point so I don’t run into problems.  I just wish that I would not lose my medical if I went to get a job.  I know right now is not the time to lose it.  I really hate how the system works.  You would think that if you made the effort to try and work at a job that they would somehow make sure that you didn’t lose it so you can gradually go back to work and have that safety net in case you are sick.  I know that when I am done with school I will have to make that jump but at this time I am not ready.

Also with school there are the long breaks that are really helpful.  I don’t know what I would be doing right now if I was at a full time job and feeling this way.  I can at least feel some sort of light at the end of the tunnel with the upcoming summer break.  I can at least work on meds and get the mental care I need at this time.  At a job they would not sit back and let you take that kind of break.

Anyways that is enough of that.  Today’s picture is from the Roger Williams Park Zoo.  Though I took many pictures of the animals, it was the scenery pictures that I felt were much better.  So here is one.  I chose this one for today because I have been talking about the light at the end of the tunnel, like pertaining to this semester and this picture shows the light from the sun. TTFN

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