Went to classes today, but left second class early so I could go to group so I could be with those that understand me and I can let my guard down a little bit. It helped a bit I suppose, but in some ways it didn’t. My anger is building and that worries me a bit. Two weeks to go and the second week I only have to go for two days, thank God. Two classes left of my Comp class, which is really good, because that arrogant instructor is really pissing me off. The only reason why I took his class again was because as much as he pisses me off, I was still able learn something and he actually grades pretty well.
It was actually a nice surprise to see my old therapist today. Talked to him a bit, which was a good thing. Didn’t think it would be a big deal to see him again, but strangely it was. I am figuring that I still have some major abandonment issues from when I was a kid. Sounds logical to me since basically from birth, people have dropped me. I know I should feel really honored to have been adopted, but honestly I have always felt like an outsider in my family. It seemed like I just never belonged with them. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and all, it is just that with my dad it was like I was the last one he thought about all the time and with my brother needing so much attention then and even now, there just was not any room for me in his thoughts. With mom, I guess it was more or less the same but then there was also her work. It just seemed like her work was much more important than me. At least when my brother lived with us she seemed to pay attention to what was going on at home. After he moved out, it just seemed like I was all alone. When I met my son’s father he gave me the attention I was looking for and he really in his own way cared about me, but he didn’t know how to show his feelings in a positive manner. When he started to be abusive, I just thought that was normal since when I was a kid if my brother would beat up on me, I was the one who was reprimanded, because it was easier for my mom or dad to get me out of the situation, rather than discipline him. Now as an adult, I can really see how that was the easier solution for my parents. I remember that they used to accuse me of getting him started, when in fact, he would just attack me if he was mad at someone else. Mom used to do that to me as well. When her and my brother was arguing over something, I knew it would be me to deal with the consequences of their argument.
I am pretty sure that is why I thought that I could do something to get my ex-husband to stop being abusive. After all it was always told to me that I was the reason why my brother was beating up on me, as my parents would tell me. I was always told that I should know better, by my parent for so long it just kind of sunk in. What I could not understand was the fact that my brother was older and in my mind it was him that should have known better.
People have asked how I could have stayed in a situation for so long with my ex. Honestly I just thought that was going to be how my life would be. I didn’t see a way out. I feel into a deep dart hole and just thought that there was no way out. I remember saying something to my dad and he told me that since I picked him, he was to be with me forever. I was really hoping that for once, my dad would have stepped up and did what I needed at that time. My dad though is a pretty passive guy and looking now, my ex was pretty much a scary type of guy. You just never knew where he was going to go. Sometimes I did and I knew there would be no way around his rage. I will admit, those times I would start something because I knew he had to let something out and I tried in all my power to let him let it out on me when our son was not at home. I know fucked up, but like I said, I didn’t know that there was any other choice.
Wow, ok, I really talked about more than I wanted to, but that is the nature of this blog really. Me sitting in front of the computer and just typing and not thinking. Just grabbing a thought and go with it, not stopping, because maybe if I do that, then maybe I will actually see something that I need to or something. So sorry if these blogs lately are bothering you, but I am not letting myself stop, just me and my thoughts on the screen, without any editing, so perhaps one day I can read these and it will help me out a bit. Ok I will look for a picture for today….Oh wait…I went out with Denny today, maybe there is a picture from today that I can share…BRB…
Ok, this picture I believe represents my mind. There are so many windows and way to enter it, but yet it is a maze, not a difficult one, but a maze just the same. It is also a mystery as to which window will take you to where. One can set me off, one can shut me down or the other can find the core of who I am and so on. So like I said it represents my thinking at this time.
Side note though, Denny went to his therapist today and did some serious talking with the guy. Finally they talked about his drinking enough to where Denny is seeing some sort of other possibilities. He is serious thinking about a 30 day treatment program, but he is in the baby stages. He does want me to look over his health insurance plan to see if they will pay for it. I already know they will and his work will give him the time off as well without any repercussions. Let us hope he is serious about this, but I am not going to push him at all. I tell him that I will do whatever I can to help him with his recovery and only discuss it with him, if he wants to discuss it with me. No pressure from me, since he is the one who wants it. Oh geeze, this is an extra long one today. Sorry I end here…..