I have been doing a lot
of thinking these last couple of months.
So what am I thinking? Well I
think it might be in my best interest at this moment to take a semester off at
school. This last semester I finished
fairly well actually. Didn’t do as well
as I would have liked, but that was all on me.
My grades were as follows: Physics – B, Intro to Social Work – B+, and
Biology A. Now these are pretty fine
grades actually, but honestly, I didn’t give my school work the all I usually
do. My mind was busy with other
things. At this point I know that I will
not be able to do my best and feel that I should take the break until
September.
So what is on my mind at
this time, you might ask. Well I have
both my parents sick and that weighs heavy on my mind. I also know that when I head out to Florida
to visit with mom for the final time, I will not be in the greatest shape. That visit is going to be quite difficult,
because I know that I will not be able to share with her exactly how I
feel. I will help her to have closure
and be able to relax enough to let her die.
I know I am sounding cold and well at this moment if I can restrain
myself, it might just well be for the best all around.
I know she is going to
ask me if I feel she was a good mother, and well I will tell her yes, but at
the same time I will be lying out of my ass.
Some people would wonder why I would lie to her that way. The best answer I have is basically this; she
will have no outlet to speak what she feels like I can. I know her well enough to know that she needs
to have some sort of peace with herself before she dies, and it is because of
my compassionate side that I will do my best to give her the peace she
needs.
I do wonder though, if I
can forgive myself for not taking one last chance in finding out what it was
about me that she disliked. Why was it
so important for her to pretend at times to like me, but yet find every single
fault in me and even faults that I didn’t have, but yet in her mind I did? I wonder also, why if she didn’t like me, why
she tried so hard to adopt me and not let me go to a family that might actually
care about me. These are the things that
I have wanted to ask her, and honestly I thought about doing just that. When I spent three weeks with her a few years
ago, I thought about it, but as always she was drunk for most of the time. So I am guessing that I have lost my
opportunities to actually get some sort of answers. My guess on the whole fighting to adopt me
was basically my mother’s drive to win anything she sets her mind to
winning. At least that makes sense to
me.
Now I have my dad also, who is sick as well? Most would figure that when one parent
dislikes a child, at least the other makes up for it. I guess in my dad’s own way he might have
tried, but that is just a guess. He
tells me now that he is proud of me, and I actually think he might be. Who knows, right now his thoughts are not of
the normal range and I could take it as being what he has always felt, but
never took the time to say it. I guess it
would actually feel really super if he didn’t have to mention how proud he was
of my brother at the same time like he always does. I know that sounded a bit bratty or selfish,
but you know what, I have never really had that chance to be like that around
my family.
In my family, my brother
was the favorite with both of my parents, and then there was my sister. I guess maybe it was the whole boy thing or
first born thing but when we added more like in foster kids and step kids and I
found myself at the bottom of the list in each family dynamic, it kind of
brought me way down. Funny thing is
though, I was the one who did all I could for them. If they needed something, I did it. I was actually the good kid, at home
anyways. I never questioned or fought and
I was eager to please. Now I am not
saying my sister was difficult, but she sure gave my mom a run when she became
a teenager. My brother was always the
problem child everywhere he went. I did
have problems at school, but I know that it was more of me trying to see if I
could get any of the attention that my brother did, and when I realized no one
cared I gave up and really caused problems at school, because I figured if no
one cared, why should I.
My mom did tell me one
thing, and I guess I should consider it some sort of apology of sorts. She told me that every time that she saw my
brother beating up on me, and yes it was often, she would punish me because it
was easier. Hummm. Now that is interesting. She knew that I did nothing to provoke him,
like she claimed back then, but yet she found it easier for HER to make me
think I did and make me feel sad and bad, then to actually teach him that it
was not ok to beat up on me enough to where I had broken bones. Ok. So
I am suppose to take that as an apology and feel better. Hummm.
My thought on this is ok, I understand that is how it went, but are you
telling me because it will make her feel better. Ah who knows?
Yeah I know, this kina
shit is in the past and I should let it go.
Isn’t that what everyone says?
Well each time I think I got it straight, it slams me head on and makes
it so I am up at 1am writing about it.
My sister once told me that she could not remember anything from when
she was younger than 17, which by the way is when she moved out of my mother’s
house. Interesting, huh? Sometimes I
envy that. It would be so kewl if my
brain was super stupid and forgot so much stuff. Sadly, I have a different kind of brain. Last I scored on a IQ test online I got a
145. That can be a good thing, but it is
not. IQ is about learning and how well
you learn, which mean that you can retain information and use it to learn
more. So how does this suck. Well it sucks because my brain learns from
the crap that I am stuck remembering.
So as you can see even
just this that I have talked about, is why I am considering taking a semester
off of school. I am not even upset with
my grades, because honestly, I didn’t even deserve the ones I got. I didn’t even try. That is so not like me. Not to care enough about the grades that I
only did the bare minimum. I focused on
what had to be done and didn’t try to do my best. I wrote a ten page paper in a couple of hours
and actually got a B on it. Wow, and
most of that time was spent making sure I cited my references correctly, and
only because I knew the professor used an online detective program for plagiarism.
Well I guess that is enough
of this for now. Sorry to have whined and
moaned all the way through this, but hey this blog is for me to sort shit out sometimes.
The picture above is when my brother broke
my arm and mom made me tell everyone, including the doctor, that I fell off my bike.
I said it so many times, that even today
most of the time I will say that is how I did it. Same went for my leg and all the black eyes and
various other marks that were visible to anyone paying attention. The reason I picked this picture is because it
is the only picture of me that represents how I really felt back in that time. Well I am done with the winefest and no I don’t
want cheese with it.