Finally at Peace

Last Sunday, January 22, 2012, at around two thirty in the afternoon, mom passed away.  I was here in my house.  I am feeling pretty guilty for having coming home when I did.  It is not like she was alone; she had her friend and Hospice workers with her.  It is not like she knew that I was not there or anything, but still I can’t help but to think that if she had known she would have been disappointed that I had left knowing that she was close to dying.

After watching my sister taking her last breath, I don’t think I could ever witness anyone else’s last breath.  Because I had watched my sister, now every time that I think about my sister, I can’t help but to have a quick memory of that day she died.  With gram, I don’t have that at all, because I didn’t see her before she died.

The day that mom died my brother Tommy was on his way to his yearly vacation to Vermont.  I had to make an important decision as to whether or not I should call him and let him know.  I only had this option because my mom and Tommy were not close at all.  In fact they had not talked since my sister died, except for when I visited mom two weeks ago and I called my brother and handed the phone to my mom.  Their conversation lasted only thirty seconds but mom did tell him that she loved him and that is what I was hoping for.  So I decided that he didn’t have to know and ruin his whole vacation.  When I finally told him last night he was actually grateful that I made that decision.

Tommy kind of pissed me off though when I told him that he had to tell my dad and he asked me to do it.  I told him that it would be better to have him do it because he was there in person with my dad, but he refused and so I told him that he had to stay there with my dad after I told him.  Honestly I know that after I told dad and hung up, Tommy most likely left the room and left my dad to sit there in his own thoughts.  Sometimes it would be really nice if Tommy could deal with difficult issues, rather than just avoiding them.  Maybe I would like to be the one to avoid shit once in a while.  

Well before this gets too long with the same stuff, I am going to stop here.  The picture above is of me and mom back in the early to mid seventies in the backyard of our house.  We had just gotten the horse, Topper, and there were a few pictures taken of all of us around or on Topper.