Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Finally at Peace

Last Sunday, January 22, 2012, at around two thirty in the afternoon, mom passed away.  I was here in my house.  I am feeling pretty guilty for having coming home when I did.  It is not like she was alone; she had her friend and Hospice workers with her.  It is not like she knew that I was not there or anything, but still I can’t help but to think that if she had known she would have been disappointed that I had left knowing that she was close to dying.

After watching my sister taking her last breath, I don’t think I could ever witness anyone else’s last breath.  Because I had watched my sister, now every time that I think about my sister, I can’t help but to have a quick memory of that day she died.  With gram, I don’t have that at all, because I didn’t see her before she died.

The day that mom died my brother Tommy was on his way to his yearly vacation to Vermont.  I had to make an important decision as to whether or not I should call him and let him know.  I only had this option because my mom and Tommy were not close at all.  In fact they had not talked since my sister died, except for when I visited mom two weeks ago and I called my brother and handed the phone to my mom.  Their conversation lasted only thirty seconds but mom did tell him that she loved him and that is what I was hoping for.  So I decided that he didn’t have to know and ruin his whole vacation.  When I finally told him last night he was actually grateful that I made that decision.

Tommy kind of pissed me off though when I told him that he had to tell my dad and he asked me to do it.  I told him that it would be better to have him do it because he was there in person with my dad, but he refused and so I told him that he had to stay there with my dad after I told him.  Honestly I know that after I told dad and hung up, Tommy most likely left the room and left my dad to sit there in his own thoughts.  Sometimes it would be really nice if Tommy could deal with difficult issues, rather than just avoiding them.  Maybe I would like to be the one to avoid shit once in a while.  

Well before this gets too long with the same stuff, I am going to stop here.  The picture above is of me and mom back in the early to mid seventies in the backyard of our house.  We had just gotten the horse, Topper, and there were a few pictures taken of all of us around or on Topper.  

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss...and even more sorry for the way your brother is not helping you. This is a time when you should be able to lean on one another. But when do things ever happen like they should?

    I hope you are allowing yourself time to grieve the loss of your mother. If you ever need an ear you can always e-mail me. Loosing a parent is never easy. xoxo In the Pink