On the train heading to New Jersey for six days. Not really sure what I am going to write this
blog about, but be warned, usually when I have no idea it is when I end up
writing one of my extra long blogs. Well
it is not like all my blogs are not long…LOL.
Had a meeting yesterday about the internships and how to
proceed with applying and such. There
was also discussion about our next and final training. Looks like I will be in training on my
birthday. I am really excited about the
last phase of the process and can’t wait to get started on it.
There was discussion about the way we will be treated from
the staff members at the various mental health centers. I was pretty sure that we were not going to
be looked upon favorably, but listening to the directors of the program tell me
that is how it is going to be, just kind of brought it forward. They say that for the most part the staff is
going to never treat us like we are actual staff and how we are tokens and are
more of a charity case. It was also
discussed how the staff members are actually more likely to stigmatize mental
illness more than the general public.
Another issue that the staff might have is the fact that if
this new program works, it is possible that their jobs will begin to be filled
with more peers rather than mental health workers. I can understand the fear that might come
from that. I personally would rather sit
with my peers because we have a common factor.
My peers can understand that when I say that I just can’t do this
anymore, I don’t actually mean I want to kill myself or hurt myself, they know
that I am saying that I just need to hear how they either managed to get
through what I am going through or how they would go about it. Information from them seems to go a lot
farther with me, than with someone who spent time in a classroom going over
what ifs and possible situations that they could come across.
So this Peer Wellness Coach thing is something that is
important and needed, and I am so excited to be a huge part of this. If I have
to deal with negative staff, then so be it.
Dennis did bring up a good point, like he often does. He said that if I go into this and expect to
be treated negatively, than there is a huge chance that I would be and not for
the reasons that I would. I will try to
remember what he said and try to keep my biases in check.
Ok topic change. I am
in Connecticut and OMG it is so pretty where I am right now. I have no idea where I am exactly, but we are
going over some water. I guess I can
understand why people would decide to live here. Yes I am looking out the window and letting my
fingers type away. I guess I should
thank that typing teacher I had in middle school. Oh ok here we are at a station. Looks like we are in Old Saybrook. Interesting name and here at the station is a
cemetery that looks major old school with some new stones as well. My guess is that to live in this area is
quite expensive.
So far I have gotten very lucky in the way of not having to
share my space. I really hate when I
have to sit next to someone on the train.
When you have to share the space you can’t really use your laptop the
way you want to, because it is so easy for that person next to you to read what
you are reading and well I would not be able to do this blog.
Denny is going to meet me in Jersey on Monday morning. I am so glad that I have him and honestly I
don’t really share that here enough. I
guess it is because I get to get my frustrations with him out here in
print. So here is where I am going to
express that though I have said many negative things about him here in this
blog, there is so much more good about him that I don’t share enough. Here is an example. Yesterday I was beginning to feel the pressures
of transitioning from being on assistance with benefits and SSDI. I was feeling the stress of the fear that
when I do finally get paid, I will actually have less money than I have now,
because though I will make more cash, I will have higher expenses that might
exceed my extra income. It is quite
scary to know that I am going to have to move, lose my insurance, lose my SSDI,
lose my education grants, lose food stamps and have less support that I do at
the present because of the lack of medical insurance. I was asked why than would I choose to do
this to myself. I answered easily, that
for two reasons, one that I have always had plans to return back to work and
second because I am so excited to be part of this new program and it is what I
have been working toward.
Oh right back to Denny, sorry about that, I tend to get side
tracked. Can’t blame me though. I am sitting here looking out the window and
listing to my iPod and just letting my fingers type out the thoughts that are
going through my mind. Remember I warned
you ahead of time that this was going to be a completely unplanned blog and
they tend to go on a bit. Ok anyways, so
what was it that Denny did that was wicked awesome.
I was on my way back from the meeting and I texted him to
see if he wanted to meet. Little did he
know that I really needed to have him take me in his arms and let me feel
protected from even my own thoughts. There was much texting and in the end he told
me he was going to an AA meeting and that he was sorry, but he will see me
Monday morning. I was crushed, but I
understood that he really can’t just ditch his meeting for me, because they are
part of HIS recovery.
So I am home and on my computer, yes playing Farmville and I
get a text from him. He tells me that he
is out front and to open the door for him.
He made sure that after his meeting he came straight to my house to ease
my anxiety and help me feel like I am protected. There was a time back in the day that I
needed this feeling from him all the friggin time. I wonder how he took that all the time. I try to not seem so needy any more. I don’t want him to think that he has to be
my caregiver. We have moved past that
years ago and I know it is so easy to revert back to that. It is pretty kewl though that I don’t have
tell him all the time what I need, he just seems to have a sense that comes to
him.
He ended up sitting with me and talking with me. We sat together with no distractions. That is a rare occurrence actually. Denny is a big media guy. He loves his TV, movies, and computer and is
usually in front of one of those. Last
night though, after quite some time just holding each other, we sat across from
one another and talked about some issues that important. For me it was about the fears I have with the
new job and such, and sadness over my father.
For him it was the impending eviction of his roommate, his job and his own
mother and brothers’ health. Is we
talked I could not help but think how far we have come from the days of (side
note…I am New Haven now) me being dependent on him for everything, and him
allowing and encouraging me to be like that.
It is great that we both know the rules we played during that time and
how our illnesses played a big part in that.
I am not saying that I am completely “cured” of co-dependence, but I am
more aware of what is healthy and what is not.
I am guessing that I am halfway to Metropark train stop in
Jersey. Once I get there I have to walk
to my Dad’s, which is only about a fifteen minute walk. I am going to take my time and maybe even
stop at the Quick Check on the way. This
is not a good trip. I know I have said
it before, but honestly I think this might be my last one until my Dad passes
away. He is really weak right now and I
think I am going to let him know that if he is fighting for our feeling, he
doesn’t have to. I know that is what is
going on with him, since everytime I call him he says how sorry he is that he
is disappointing me and my brother. With
my brother out camping, I can really get a chance to talk with my father and
let him know that it is perfectly ok that he can let himself relax and not have
to fight so hard. I will reassure him
that I will keep an eye on my brother and I will make sure that my brother is
not left alone in this world. I know
that is a big fear for my father, as you all do, since I have expressed this
quite often. I have resigned myself as
my brother’s only real connection to a family.
I know that in a way I have always known that in the end my brother
would somehow become my responsibility.
I know he is an adult, but honestly he has a mental illness and I should
after all share the compaction I have for others to him, my only brother.
It is going to be another one of those conversations that
you don’t want t have but you know you have to.
I have to help him to understand also that the regrets he feels about my
brother and me are not as hard for us that he feels it is. I am hoping that I can help him to have less
of a regretful mind. For the last few
months he has expressed how these thoughts of his are in his dreams as
well. He seems to be stuck in the 70’s. It amazes me that one person can really
destroy so many people in their path. I
saw my mother before she passed as you all know and the months before her death
she didn’t have one quarter of the regrets that my father has. It doesn’t seem fair to me that my father is
suffering silently with regrets that didn’t originate from him in the first
place. In my mind I feel as though he is
just as much a casualty as me and my siblings were. The only difference between my father and us
was the fact that he picked the person he wanted to spend his time with and we
didn’t have a choice. Maybe that is what
he really has the regrets about. The
fact that he made that first choice to cause a bunch of dominos to fall?
Here we are twelve years after the death of my sister and I
know that she and her death is at the fore front of his mind. I could not even imagine having to live
through the death of a child. I was surprised
how my mother seemed to handle it so well, while my father still to this day,
suffers in silence. I remember looking
at my mother to find hints of this same look my father has. The look that shows you have a hurt that will
not go away. My mother had something but
not like my dad’s. Her’s was like a look
that seems like a selfish thought. I try
to think that I have read her wrong, but that look was not much different than
the one that I saw all my life as a kid, when my sister was still alive.
Ok I decided to look over at this page and was surprised to
find so little mistakes. I corrected
them and am going to sign off because apparently I have three pages of thoughts
down. If you actually made it down this
far, congrats to that! Pretty sure you
all know this, but the picture above is the route I am taking. TTFN
