Alphabe-Thursday – New

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is “N.” So here goes…

Today I am going to talk about the word “NEW” and how it pertains to me right now.  The reason for this is because for me there is so much new going on for me and well that is why I decided to choose this “N” word.

First, I started my new job this week.  I like it so far, though my new manager is not really that receptive to me or my job being in her office.  At least that is the vibe I am getting and I really hope I am off on this. 

I guess for those of you, who are not regulars to my blog, I should explain my new job.  I am a Mental Health Peer Specialist/Wellness Coach (Links to Descriptions connected to titles in purple).  I am a peer, because I have mental illness, more to the point; Bipolar, Anxiety, and PTSD.  

Anyways, this is something brand new here in Rhode Island and some of the other mental health workers are not too excited about it, and the vibe I am getting from her is that I am more in the way and something new she has to add to her already busy schedule.  I hope I am wrong about her. 

Because I am new at this mental health center, there is a lot of training that I have to do, so most of my time for the first month will be sitting in front of my new desk taking the courses online.

Today I actually got a chance of going out on the field and also sitting with peer at the office.  For the most part I am shadowing the Social Workers to get acquainted with how things are working right now.  This is a great experience for me, not only because of my new job, but because I am also currently in school for Social Work: which now brings me to the next “new”.

I have a week and a half before I start my new semester at school.  Now I have been doing this for a little while now and honestly I don’t know why each new semester brings on anxiety for me, but it does; and I am really starting to feel the stressors of all these new things. 

It is funny, last spring I took off the semester because of my parent’s illnesses and did that because I didn’t want to be overly stressed out.  I took one less class this semester for the same reason and yet it seems that for each thing I take away, something new replaces it. 

Well anyway, that is why I decided on “NEW” for the “N” word today.  And this picture at the top really represents how I am feeling, but I know, once I get into the grove of things I will be alright.  TTFN.

Saturday Centus – Absent "E" and “T”

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus

The challenge this week is to write another cohesive sentence without using the letters "E" or "T".

The sentence can be as long or as short as you like.

Number of words:  Whatever you need to write a sentence that actually makes sense without using the letter E or T.

Pictures: Any you like.

Well here is my attempt…

Raindrops fall from clouds much in a way humans cry.

Well that was it.  Was really hard actually.  Not sure if I can do any more is Jenny takes away another letter next week. TTFN

Updates in General

It has been a while since I have blogged about what is going on with me, so today I decided to and well here I am writing a “what’s going on kina blog.”  School starts in eighteen days and I am really excited about it.  I will be taking three classes, World Lit to 16th Century, Human Anatomy & Physiology, and Jazz History.  I will only have classes on Tuesday and Thursday’s during the day and Monday nights.  At first I was only going to take the Lit and Anatomy, but Denny decided that he was going to join me in Jazz History.  So well anyways that is my classes list and well I am pretty good with it.  What is exciting about this semester is that it is the second to last one at the community college and then I am off to the second part of earning a bachelor’s degree in Social Work at the state college.  It is so great to know that I have followed through so far already, even with the semester I took off in the spring. 

Ok so other news.  I have finished the training for Peer Specialist and Peer Wellness Coach and finally have a job.  I will be working at one of the mental health agencies in the area.  I got the call on Thursday and am really happy about that.  When I interviewed I brought my school schedule with me in case they asked for it and well they did and they proceeded to tell me that the encourage education and are really pleased that I am a Social Work student.  They actually said that it was an added bonus and are very excited to work with me and help me to maintain my high grade point average.

So starting on Monday I will be an employee over there and in fifteen days I will be working and going to school.  I honestly hope that I can stick with my recovery plan and not have any drawbacks.  The good thing is that last year I learned how to deal with my symptoms better and know how to look out for them and not let them get out of control.

In New Jersey Dad is slowly declining but still hanging on.  He is really weak and barely eats.  Honestly I think that he is fighting because he is worried about my brother.  Each time I go there, dad reminds me to take care of my brother when he passes away.  I will have to say that I am a bit worried about my brother as well right now.  It is summer and him being a roofer, it is his busy time, but he has not been going into work that much.  I asked him yesterday if he was feeling more depressed than his usual and he told me that he wasn’t.  I made him promise that if he was to let me know, and he said he would. 

Also another indication that there is something going on with my brother is his migraine headaches.  He has been suffering with them since he was around ten years old.  Usually he gets like two a month and the whole neighborhood knows he has them because he screams on the top of his lungs.  When he does this it can seem scary to someone who doesn’t know.  Anyways, those headaches have increased to around five to seven times a month.  I have begged him to go to a doctor, but he refused.  So that increase in headaches really scares me.

I have talked with the Hospice social worker about my concerns with my brother and described what he was like as a child and she told me she would do her best to work with my brother, but if he was not willing to work with her, there was nothing that she could do.  She has been working her way to talking with him now and hopes that he will want to talk to her when dad passes away.  She figures that right now he will talk to her with dad and after he will have enough trust in her to continue to work with her. 

What concerns me is how he is with death.  When my sister died there was discussion about maybe getting him some serious help, but honestly at that time I was in my own personal hell, I never really knew what happened.  I am pretty sure that all of us were messed up at that time and no one actually did anything to help my brother and he is still in a state of just existing. 

About three years ago my brother had a cat that he loved.  She got sick and died, and he basically locked himself in his room for months.  It was so bad that dad would put food up by his door, just so my brother would eat something.  What bothers me the most about that situation is the fact that my father didn’t think to get my brother any kind of help; instead he just placated the issue, until my brother came out of it.

I have way too much going on in my life right now that I know I am not going to be able to do anything like that for him and honestly I have no problems finding outside help for him.  It just scares me that there is only one human on earth that my brother truly loves and that is my father and when he is gone my brother will have no one in his life.  Honestly right now I can’t do anything more than I am doing right now and I really have to keep my focus on me, because in the end, I am the only one who can take care of me.

So here in Rhode Island, my concerns are with Denny.  He is back to drinking and I am slowly distancing myself from him.  It is something hard for me, because I love him so much, but if he is not going to do anything to help himself, I can’t be around that so much.  I have talked to him and reminded him how well he was doing while sober and how he she seriously consider quitting again.  So far since he has started drinking again, he has depleted the savings that I had worked so hard to establish for him and he has been suspended from his work because of absentness.  One more time he is absent, he will lose his job.  I guess there has to be a bottom that is hit, before he will learn that drinking is not a good thing for him.

Well this has been long enough and well I think I am pretty caught up for now.  Time to find a picture for today…

Ok this picture was taken when I was about eight or nine with my brother.  The reason I decided on this picture is because it is a true representation of the distance that is between us, even today.  Though I have tried to get closer to him, there is always that space between us.  It is funny actually because in all the pictures that my mother had taken of us kids back in the day, my sister was always in the middle, and this shot looks like she is just missing.  I wonder if it is in some way a clue of how it was going to turn out, my sister is missing.  So anyways that is why I decided to use that picture. 

Ok you all, TTFN……………

Alphabe-Thursday – Morning

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is M. So here goes…

M is for Mornings and how I love them.  There is something about the fresh and newness of the morning.  Some of my best photos have been taken in the morning and I wanted to share a few here with you.  Hope you all enjoy…

Taken at Roger Williams Zoo in Providence, RI, early fall

Taken at Roger Williams Zoo in Providence, RI, early fall 

East Side of Providence, RI on an early Spring Morning

Roger Wheeler Beach early spring

Pigeon feet in the sand at Roger Wheeler Beach in RI

I thought of Footprints in the Sand when I took this one morning at Roger Wheeler Beach in RI

Mid Spring morning at Roger William Park Zoo in RI

Nice morning shot of this lovely lady in Philly this past  Spring

I truely love dog walkers in the morning, they make for some great shots.  Taken in NH this past  Summer

Was able to also catch this man peddle himself on a skate board as the sun rose.

Grabbed this on an early morning ride in Maine this past summer

This one was an added bonus shot one morning at the Providence Peer in RI

I just love Frankfort, NY and was able to capture this on one of my early morning walks one Summer

Took an early morning ferry ride from Providence to Newport, RI and was able to get this shot.

While waiting for my first class last winter I watched in amazement as the sun was rising and had to grab my camera

These next two are what I got to watch one morning while waiting for the bus at around 6am

This is why I love the mornings.

Newport RI on an early morning summer day.  

I love being in Cambridge, MA and watching the morning rowers from the balcony of a hotel room as you drink your morning tea.

Saturday Centus – Absent "E"

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus - The prompt this week is one sentence long.

The sentence can be as long or as short as you like.

The challenge is to write a fluent sentence without using the letter "E".   E is the most used letter in the English language.  Let's see how you do with an absent-e!

Number of words:  Whatever you need to write one cohesive sentence.

Pictures: Any number

Here it goes…

A small child can touch a soul of an adult who has built a wall to guard from an invasion that can possibility do random psychological harm.

Well there you have it.  That is my sentence.  It was harder than I thought it would be.  Thanks to the small child that asked the quiet and withdrawn man for his hand to help her walk in the bus as it was moving yesterday.  I witnessed him go from being totally withdrawn to smiling in seconds.  It was actually pretty awesome to see.  TTFN ya’ll.

Alphabe-Thursday – Love and Loss

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is L. So here goes…

Though this entry is part of a prompt, I decided that I would dedicate this entry to those that I have lost and loved.

This first person that I am sharing with you all is not actually someone I have ever met in person; he is someone I have grown up to know through those that had lost him.  I guess you can say he was my Uncle Freddie.  His picture is below.  He died when my mom was around six in 1945 in the Staten Island Bay.  He himself was about nine years old at the time of his death. 

The reason why I added him to this list is because I have grown up knowing the pain of loss of a son and brother, and the guilt that ravaged through those that had lost him.  Gram was his mother, mom was one of his younger sisters, and my Aunt Gloria was his older sister. For my gram it was the guilt that her as a mother could nothing to save him.  For my aunt it was the guilt that she even carried through til she died, (we found journals) that she chose not to go out in the water with him and keep him closer to shore. 

For mom though it was not the guilt, it was more of a fear.  I was a swimmer growing up and basically lived in the water.  Because of her fear, she never could watch me swim or dive.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for my dad, I would have never known the wonderful feeling of swimming. 

The first person that I loved and lost was my gramp.  He passed away in August of 1986 and as sick as he was, he made sure that he attended my high school graduation.  I used to remember how he didn’t say much.  He had a serious speech problem.  Since I did as well, we always felt that we had that in common. Actually my friends were always like, “Huh, what did he say?”  Guess I really didn’t notice it too much because well he was my gramp and I totally understood him.  Anyways, when he did talk, OMG did he totally have wits.  So Here are a few shots of him as I remember him. 

You could always find Gramp on the floor playing anything we were, as long as he could of course!

In the spring of 2000 my sister Tammy (she was the girl in the I Alphabe-Thursday) had a heart attack that left her a coma.  She remained like that throughout the summer, until she passed away that September at the age of 40. 

I had never had a really close relationship with my mother and for the most part, Tammy was the mother that my mother should have been.  She really got me and encouraged me to never change and just be who I was.  For every negative thing I said about myself, she was right there to point out all the positive things about me.

Out of the losses that I will share here, this one was by far the hardest one that I have ever had to live through.  Two years after her death to almost the day, I had a complete breakdown.  I am not saying that it was the lost alone that caused my breakdown, but I believe it was the final straw in a large pile of it.  Even today, I work on climbing those stairs from the pit I had fallen into ten years ago. Below are various shots of my sister Tammy.

This is one of the last pictures I have of my sister before she passed away.

This picture was my mom's favorite.  My brother Tommy, me and Tammy.

Tammy and I really didn't have much in common, but riding was one thing we did.

May of 2008, my mother’s sister Gloria passed away.  I had grown up knowing that my aunt was gay, even though she never expressed it to anyone in the family.  It was just something that we knew and we didn’t know how we knew.  Well everyone except for my mother who was completely clueless. 

I remember loving the fact that Aunt Gloria was free to be a forever tomboy and no one questioned her.  My mother resented the fact that I was never ever going to be the kina girl that enjoyed dressing up or doing girlie things like my sister.  My Aunt though, she like my sister, encouraged me to do what I like and not care what others thought about it. 

When my mother and I drove to Ipswich, MA to go to my Aunt’s memorial service, my mom told me that only a couple years earlier, my aunt told my mom that she was gay.  When my mom said that she had no idea, I had to laugh, not because my aunt was gay, but because my mom was way clueless or wore some really big blinders on her eyes.  I think about the courage that it must have taken for my aunt to tell my mom and the others she shared with.  I couldn’t even imagine the turmoil that was going on inside of her having been born in such a time as hers and I thank God that women and men today can be open and not have to go through all that Aunt Gloria had to go through. 

Here a picture of my Aunt as I remember her.

This was my Aunt Gloria, Me and her son David

For years my gram suffered from Alzheimer’s and on my son’s birthday in November of 2009 gram passed away.  It was also while my mother was in the hospital for her first surgery for lung cancer.  It was one of the worst months of my life.  I was in Florida already and having to clean out my grandmother’s things was not something that I had planned on. 

Gram was GREAT!!!  I loved her to pieces and I know, most people totally love their grams, but I am telling you, gram had a true heart of gold.  Gram used to be the one to express to me that mom had her own issues and that a lot of the things that mom said or did to me was because of issues she herself were dealing with.  She always reminded me that mom never gave me a chance to really get to know.  Gram also reminded me that mom loved me and honestly it was hard for mom to look at me and kind of see the things she didn’t like about herself in me.  Now I am not saying that gram would sit me down and tell me these things, because we really didn’t.  Actually I can only pinpoint one time there was an actual sit down discussion with gram.  It was more like I would be walking passed her or helping her cook and she would shot out something that really made me think. 

Gram used to take a grandchild a week during the summer and boy did we totally look forward to that, because that meant alone time with gram.  Since I was the youngest, my time was extended at the years rolled on.  Often I got to go to Bradley Beach, NJ with her and it was such a good time.  One day I will write much more on my gram, but sadly this is extra-long and well I am not sure anyone is still reading.

As sad as I was of her death, it was so much easier than my sister’s, because it was something that we were fully aware was going to happen.  We had time to gather our thoughts about it.  Below is a shot of gram as I remember her.

This is me, Gram and Tammy.  We were trying to get her on our horse Storm, but she chose the other one instead.  I never could understand that, Storm was a much easier ride.

This past January mom finally lost her battle with cancer.  This was something that figured was going to happen.  Though I was not over close to my mother, I did love her and part of me thinks she knew that, or at least I would like to believe she did. 

When I went to visit her for the last time, her friend asked me to ease my mother’s guilt on her parenting.  I really had a hard time with this and thankfully her friend asked me before I made the trip south.  After some serious thought about wanting to make her feel better and me not lying to her, I came to a very good thing to say to her.  I basically thanked her for being the best mother that she had the ability to be.  I was scared that she might take it the wrong way, but she didn’t, in fact she looked at me and asked if I was sure and I said yes as I watched a small smile cross her face.

That is pretty much all that I am going to say about my mother, because, well there are many blogs where I have expressed my feeling about her.  Below is a photo of my mom during my life time.

There is only two pictures of just me and my mom and I think I like this one best.

Lastly is my dad.  Dad has not passed away yet, but he is in hospice care, and well he is not doing well at all.  I added him to the list here because in a way I have lost him already.  He is not at all the same man that I grew up with.  Like my gram, my brother and I have come to terms what is going to happen soon and basically we both have begun the morning stage already.  It has been a very sad year for the both of us and honestly we have a cloud of sadness hovering for both our parents.  Having lost my mother and the near loss of my father, my brother and I have realized that there really is just the two of us and my son left. 

Below is a picture of my dad in better times.

Me and Dad at his 50th birthday, wow like 28yrs ago.  

God bless you if you got this far.  I know it was long, but it was something that I wanted to do anyways and since the letter was "L" I figured, why not.  Anyways have a good one.

Smokie’s Kitten: A Fun Memory - Warning...Pet Story

Last chance to ditch!

My sister Tammy had always wanted a Persian cat and my parents got her a female one we called Smokie.  Now honestly I seriously don’t remember getting the cat, but I sure remember her kitten, so this story will be about that kitten that we named Ugly. 

We all knew when Smokie was in heat, because she would meow so friggin loud and it sounded just like she was screaming, “I wanna go out!” Well apparently she must have gotten out and had some fun with Grandpa (a cat that wondered its way to our house before Smokie came to us).

I remember one night we were watching Wild Kingdom and out of the blue my mom questioned about how long it was since we heard Smokie screaming.  I remember that Tammy went and got her and she gave my dad a look like, “oh no.”  Dad was always for adding new furry friends to our already bursting furry family members, but it was mom that the “oh no” was for.  Mom was forever wincing each time we brought in a new furry member. Mom actually took it pretty well and soon enough it was delivery day. 

Smokie didn’t know what to do with her kittens as she walked everywhere dropping them out of her where ever they landed.  This of course was the straw with my mom.  Tammy was quick on the draw though.  She tried as quickly as she could to rescue all four of the kittens, but sadly only one made it, and that was Ugly. 

When Ugly started to look like a kitten it was quite noticeable that this kitten was plain old ugly, so my brother Tommy decided that would be her name.  She had the flat nose like a Persian but was a full Calico like Grandpa.  Her face was black, brown, grey and white.  There was real color to her.  She had her mother’s bluish look, but only mixed in with all the other colors that her father had.  But honestly, she was so ugly she was adorable.

As Ugly grew she became so playful and a true joy to have around.  As much as Tammy tried to teach Smokie to take care of the kitten, Smokie never took to it, and Tammy became her mother.  Each night when all of us went to sleep we had animals sharing the beds with us.  Tammy had the most, with Inkie her beagle, Smokie and Ugly.  I had my Koko a mutt that I have shared about in this blog somewhere.  And my brother had the cat from hell named Marsha (Anyone have a clue where that name came from. Oh and one day I will tell you all about the cat from hell who would never go away). 

Anyways as Ugly grew older she began to wander during the night and sometimes we could not find her.  Many times we would find her in shoes, boxes and (her favorite) purses.  We began to stop looking because she always came out when she was hungry.

Well one morning we woke up and didn’t see her.  Mom was in a major hurry and said good bye and grabbed her briefcase and purse and ran out the door. (In case you don’t remember or know, the purses in the ‘70’s were huge!) 

We started to get concerned around afternoon about the kitten and it was at that time that mom called from work.  She asked if we were missing anything and right away Tommy (he answered the phone) said that we had been looking everywhere for Ugly.  I remember that he started to laugh major and Tammy and I looked at each other because we knew exactly where Ugly was at that moment, with mom at the office!

This is how mom told the story about what happened at the office.  She was late for a meeting and dropped her purse in her office and ran out the door.  All during the day she heard chatter from outside about a kitten that was roaming around.  Finally she stepped out to find her secretary with Ugly in her arms.  Mom had said that she could not believe that Ugly didn’t come out in the half hour long car ride or even made a sound. 

We heard about this story from mom employees for years and each time it was a huge laugh, even bigger, because that was the day that Ugly found a new home.  Honestly if I had not seen mom leave that day, I would have sworn that she planned it, but I know she didn’t. 

Below are some pictures of the pets that I mentioned in this blog.  Sorry but there are no pictures of Ugly, because she just wasn’t around long enough, sadly like many of our part-time pets.  Someday I will write about how those came to be as well.  TTFN

Tammy with Smokie on her lap and yes that is me in my PJ's in the background.

Dad trying to tame the cat from hell, but Marsha was having none of it.

Inkie keeping a watchful eye on my brother like she did with every kind of little one.

Tommy and Mom with Koko back in the 80's.

I went to give Koko a kiss and she caught me dead on with a lick, yuck!

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus - Dog Days of Summer

Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus - The prompt this week is a picture prompt.  And this is going to be a rhyming week.

So...

Number of words: 100 words.

Style of writing: Poetry
Pictures: No additional

Ok here goes my attempt…

A home this dog could not find

But most days he didn’t seem to mind

Today though, he felt so full of grime

With the sun so bright

Even with all his might

There was no food in sight

Up and down the streets he roamed

He felt his mouth as it foamed

His mind raced with thoughts of being homed

Just ahead his eyes hit the ground

There was a mound

Made just for a hound

This huge wet mountain of ice

Seemed really nice

Without hesitation he fell

He wanted to yell

“Oh Hell, this is just swell!”

I don't usually write poems, well because I am not much of a poet, but this was my try for today.  Have a great weekend!

Alphabe-Thursday – Kid

Alphabe-Thursday through Jenny Matlock’s blog.  Today’s letter is K. So here goes…

I don’t really share much about my son (Kid) here, but being that today is the letter K, I could not resist.  He is most definitely someone to be proud of.  And I will briefly share why.

He is 21 and he works fulltime at a very good job, maintains good grades at college full time, maintains his apartment that he shares with girlfriend and he pays all his own bills.  He gets no money help from anyone for his apartment, car, and education. He is very respectful and courteous to other people. 

He treats his girlfriend like a princess and you can see how well when you see them together.  Just so as not to leave his girlfriend out, she is doing the same as him, with working full time and attending college fulltime.  They are great together and they both seem generally happy together. 

My son is someone a mother could for sure be proud to call her son.  The picture above is from a group of shots I took of the both of them when they came to visit last month.  The pictures below are of him growing up.  Hope you enjoy.

A beautiful boy is born Nov 1990

Pre-School

At one of many air shows with Grandpa at around 6 yrs

A funny 9 yr old

An 11th Birthday

At around 13 yrs with mom

At around 14 yrs

15 yrs

17 yrs

On his own at 19 yrs

21st Birthday