For some reason today I feel all alone. I have been living alone now for over four months, and I guess it is pretty good that I have made it as far as I did without feeling this way. Being in school, I think, has helped me to have other things to think about other than being alone most of the time.
I have some really good friends, but they live so far away from me and all I can do is talk to them over the phone. I have lived in this area for some time now and yet I have not been able to meet any close friends. I do have a few people whom I would call friends but not close friends.
I guess it also does not help that I have been shut up in the house as much as I have either. Funny thing is though; I don’t seem to want to go anywhere. I am going to force myself to go out tomorrow though. I have to go and pick up some late Christmas gifts, so maybe I will head out to a mall that I have never been to yet. Honestly though, I will probably go the safe route and go to a store that I know already.
I do have Dennis and lately that has not been a good thing. I love him and care about him, but that has only hurt me in the last couple of years. It is so hard to see someone destroying themselves and watch them not care. I know at this point he is sabotaging our relationship and I know why he is doing it. Better to hurt others then to have others hurt you. I know this all too well. I have done it myself countless times. What I find the hardest to deal with is the fact that he is not willing to help himself. I have been there as well, but I recognized it and corrected my thinking. He was there with me through the whole process and I am trying to be there for him but I don’t thinking he sees it just yet. I am wondering how long it is going to take him. Then I wonder: am I going to hang on and wait for that to happen?
Moving out was something I had to do. Something that I thought would help the both of us. It seems that it is helping me, but it is making him worse. Then I wonder if I was or am being selfish. We have talked about my moving from the very beginning and I thought he understood that it was going to be a growing experience, but since I have moved he has taken the opposite turn.
I am supposed to go with him to his family for a get together next weekend, but I don’t think I will. I have asked him to talk with his family about some of the issues he is dealing with and if he tells me that is what he is going to do next weekend then I will go with him, but if not I am heading to Albany to visit with my friend earlier then I was going to go in the first place. I think if I go and make sure I don’t talk to him while I am away it will strengthen me more as a person. I know that I have been in the past mega co-dependent on him and even today there is some of that going on, but what I wonder is: Was he co-dependent on me as well, and if so have I ripped that away from him. For me I have slowly broken away from it and I am wondering if my moving out and not spending so much time with him caused him not to be able to move slowly into an independent person like I have.
The good news about all this is that during this time I have a new excellent therapist to which I can discuss all these thoughts and feeling with. For the past three years I have had a stagnation in my therapy because of a therapist that I feel was not qualified to handle the case load they were given. His main goal was to keep me out of the hospital and he did manage to do that for almost two years but I was stuck in this never ending circle of not getting anywhere in my therapy. I am however grateful in his support as I went from not being able to move out of my bed to being able to attend school and maintain decent grades. Now, however, I feel as though I am ready to move on so I can grow further on and he was not going to be that kind of person to help me do that.
I was lucky enough to get a new therapist because of a career move on my old therapist’s part. I am so pleased with my new therapist for many reasons but the one that is major is that she is a woman and is around my age. It is so much easier to talk with a female and it makes a huge difference that she is around my age. That means that she has lived some and knows some. That does make a huge difference.
I know this was a long blog and I am sorry, but like I said before, once I get to typing I have no idea where this blog is going to go. I just know the first sentence and then it just goes from there. It is almost like I have no control over it, and honestly that is the way I like it.
Today’s picture is from way back in the day. The reason I picked it is because yesterday I was out with a friend and her two sons ages 3 and 7, and the 7 year old asked me if I know about video games and I was like sure I do. He proceeded to tell me all about the Wi that he got for his birthday and all the games he got for Christmas and well I just got to thinking about the early games and happened to find a picture of Pong and decided to share it with you all. So with that I am signing off. TTFN