Loser

I figured since I was wide awake here at 1:30am and waiting for a video to upload on YouTube, I would write a blog.  I finished my training for Peer Wellness, and took the test on Friday.  I am not sure how I did; most of the questions were write-in.  I was really hoping for multiple choice, but it didn’t work out that way.  Now I have to apply for my internship and just found out on Friday that I can’t apply at the mental health center that I go to.  I am pretty disappointed in that, but I can understand why. 

Soon I should be training for the Coach part of my new job.  That training will only be four days and it is paid.  That training will be to satisfy the insurance companies so I will be able to bill them.  I am excited for this new opportunity, but I am scared, because with this new job, I will lose almost or maybe all of the benefits I receive now.  

The big one is medical.  I don’t know how I am going to afford it on my own and there is the whole pre-existing condition to worry about.  The good thing about getting my own insurance though, is being able to have a larger choice of doctors and therapist.  I think I have out grown my mental health center and am ready to move on to just a therapist and med doctor.  I have not used the case manager part of my treatment in almost a year. 

Also because my housing is provided by my mental health center, I know that I have to move, but I discussed this in my previous entry.  My worry is that I will not have much time to work out finding a nice place for Denny and I and have to take the first available apartment we find or worse yet, move in to the place he lives at now, where I used to live with him.

Alright, I told you all that I would talk a bit about the roommate Denny has now.  I will try to keep it quick, but be warned, there is sooooo much about this free loading bastard that bothers me.

Let’s start out by saying that he has not paid for rent since August.  Yes, people that is right, he has been living completely rent free for nine months.  I know it is Denny’s responsibility to make this dumbass pay, but because Denny is so damn good natured, he can’t bring himself to do anything about it.  My God it aggravates me to no end.  I wonder how a person could blatantly walk around so casual knowing that they are totally free loading off of another person.  I would feel sick inside.  When I lived with Denny I paid and I got shit for money, not like this guy gets much, but it is more per month than I got back then. 

So right now this shit gets free rent, cable, internet, heat, hot water, food, electric, phone and basic supplies like toilet paper and laundry soap.  He can’t even clean anything.  One time Denny left this ass’ dishes sitting in the sink and they sat and piled up for three friggin weeks.  I couldn’t take it no more and went off on him.  Yes he actually fears me, but yet he tries to get between Denny and me.  I know he is or was trying to put a wedge between the two of us, because he know that I know what he is all about.  He placates me all the time.  He tries to act like is my friend, but I know it is because he is trying to save his place in the house.

His job is a joke!  I don’t know his title or the exact name of his own business, but I can explain it to you all.  He calls people for donations to the VFW here in the area and when someone donates he goes and collects it.  The area he works at is a vacation spot for the rich.  Most of his business is done in the spring and summer.  So you might be wondering, how does he make money doing that?  He gets 40 fucking percent of what he brings in.  That alone is fucked up!!!  At first when I heard this, I was thinking he was covering up for a drug dealing business, but believe or not it is true.  That is messed up!!! Say you donate $100, 40 of that goes into the grubby hands of someone else.  That alone pisses me off.

Ok so the reason I shared this.  I was talking to him in the winter (his off season) and told him that he should look for something else.  I told him it was easy as hell to work in a restaurant or a convenience store and that frigging bastard said that it would be lowing himself to do that.  What the fuck is shit.  Money is money, shit I worked at Wendy’s, Mickey D’s and Cumberland Farms.  So basically that ass is telling me that I am lower than him.  Hummmm.  I think he has that wrong.  I pay my bills.  I have no problem working where I receive money.  Even when the government says that I don’t have to work, I am finding my way to do so.  So what the fuck is he talking about.  Ok that was point two in the reasons why I don’t like him.

Last and final point. I currently live in an area that is quite urban.  Yes I find it a bit scary to walk around at night, but I get that way at Denny’s as well.  I am a woman after all, and well you just never know.  One time Denny and I were in a cab and when I gave the driver my address he referred to the area as clown town.  Since then, that dumbass makes jokes about where I live and how he could never walk around there even during the day.  Now here is something funny.  About two blocks from my apartment is the local huge homeless shelter and one time that this ass drove me home he asked me what it was.  LOL.  I said he should really know what it is because he is going to need to know someday.  Oh the look I got from him was priceless.

Oh yeah I have to tell you the most recent thing that happened.  I decided to tell him that Denny and I are in the process of getting set to find a new apartment and was clear in telling him that the new apartment would just be for Denny and I.  He was taken aback a bit and said he was surprised.  I reminded him that the only reason I moved out in the first place was because of Denny’s drinking and now that he is sober for over a year I am pretty confident that he is serious about his sobriety.  He then says he is worried about Denny’s upcoming visit with his college friends, because as he puts it, “they are pretty good drinkers.”  I was like what!!! So this asshole would find a way to make sure that Denny starts drinking again just so he can remain in the apartment.  You know what, I would not put it past him to do something like that.  After all, the dumbass is a drinker himself. 

Ok all done and sorry about just going on and on about a douche bag.  Oh and the picture above is the douche.  Figured that you all would want to have a face to go with the rant about him.  Ok enough or I will go on and on with all his stupid shit.  At least Denny finally said something to him today about all his shit he brought into the house and the fact that he has not paid, since the douche pretends it is not an issue.  Ok seriously, I am done! TTFN

Beginning Again

Just spent the whole weekend with Denny.  I am really amazed that we have managed to prevail through his sobriety.  I was really concerned that once he was sober he would change somehow, after all that is what I was told by a few people.  We are now able to have some really deep and meaningful conversations, and I am really enjoying it as well as he is.  Last Sunday I was able to express to him the many fears and much anger I had toward him while he was drinking and it was received with much understanding.  Even though he has been sober now for almost thirteen months, I had never really expressed those feeling that I felt to him during that time.  I guess I was afraid that it backfire and cause him to relapse or something.  I think that because of the honesty that I shared with him last Sunday we were finally able to move past the hurt feelings and we are now looking into the future with a better attitude.

There is talk now of us moving back in with each other.  I will be honest here as I was with him, I am a bit nervous.  My biggest fear of moving back in with him is that he might relapse and I will have brought myself back into the situation I took myself out of a year and a half ago.  I expressed this to him a bit this weekend and he told me that his decision to quit was influenced by the fact that he realized that he was losing me.  Wow, that just blew me away.  I don’t think that I have ever felt so loved like I did at that moment as we sat outside having cokes in front of a small cigar bar. (Yes, he started smoking cigars since he became sober).  People were walking all up and down the street and no one knew the intense love that I felt at that moment.  I will never forget the ways his eyes looked as he expressed his feelings. 

Though we are talking about moving into a new place together, we are going to take it slow and honestly I want to wait until his two year mark.  It is something that I had talked to him about previous and he totally understands.  Even though that is what I am aiming for, I am not sure I can wait that long because of outside forces.  Currently I am training for a new job as a Peer Wellness Coach, and if what they say is true about how we are going to be paid when we are done, I don’t think that I will qualify for the housing that I am currently in.  If that is the case, then we might have to rush it along faster than I wanted to.  We have to find a place near where he lives that will take our two cats and is three bedrooms (no matter what I need a room of my own and he wants an extra bedroom for friends that visit).

Lastly, Denny has to figure out what to do with his free loading roommate.  I am not going to say much here, because this is again a super long blog, but I will just say this a**hole has not paid Denny since August.  Believe me, tomorrow I will go more into the situation that is the roommate.  Just thinking about it gets me worked up.  I did tell Denny that I will not live with that man and he said that he is working on getting him out and that it will not be an issue.  All I know is if he doesn’t take care of it soon, I will.  I am born and raised in New Jersey and I am not afraid to use my Jersey attitude with this douche.  Ok enough of that guy getting into my pleasant thoughts.

I slept next to Denny last night and OMG I so love waking up next to him.  I love how he feels me stir and wraps his arms around me and holds me close until I am awake enough to get up.  I have never really been one to enjoy display of affection, but for some reason with Denny it almost seems natural.  It feels like he knows what I am thinking.  It is funny, today while we were sitting on the porch in front of his place, he was one step above me and I wrapped myself around his knee and he placed his arm around me and he said that we fit nicely.  My god, it is like he knows what I am thinking.  All I have to say is though I have always loved him even when he drank; I so love this new sober Denny so much more than I thought I could.  Ok I guess that is all.  Just got to go and find a picture for today…brb.

Alright, this picture was taken a few years ago.  I just love his big smile in this one that I wanted to share it with you all.  TTFN you all.

Me on Both the Inside and Out, Can They Work Well Together

On the outside I seem to being doing pretty good.  Wow can I really fool everyone.  I wonder if I am fooling myself just as much.  I do what I have to and it seems to be working alright and there is really not that many symptoms showing.  The thing that scares me is the fact that I find myself getting lost in my head too much.  I am losing time.  I haven’t had that out of control for so long and this is really scaring me a bit, but I am able to maintain and get things done.  That is what matters in the end, isn’t it?

I am beginning to realize that either my brother is completely clueless on the ways of the world or he is faking it so well just so he doesn’t have to deal with shit.  Ok I understand that for the most part he lives under a rock and has been there for most of his life, but shit do I really have to basically hold his hand for EVERYTHING!  He is so friggin afraid to talk to other people that he called me to ask where a pharmacy keeps something rather than asking someone right there. 

Two weeks ago, Denny and I went down there to visit and my brother did surprise me.  We planned on going to a movie after dad went to sleep and to be nice I asked my brother if he wanted to go.  Never did I think he would go, because the last movie he went to see was the Howard Stern (his hero) movie.  Well he said yes.  I could sense the high anxiety in him while we were getting tickets and popcorn so I brought him into the theater to get seats.  He picked the top seats, so this way no one was behind him.  Watching him was like watching someone who slept for the last twenty years. 

Anyways so here I am.  Not understanding this feeling.  I am usually able to see things and know what to do about them, but this is so different.  I am functioning and well I guess that is good, but for the most part I am not really there and lost within myself.  Not sure if I explained that right, but it sounds ok to me. 

Dad is worse.  I knew that was going to happen so that is not a surprise or anything.  I just can’t help but think of him running after the baseballs that I threw kina to him while I was learning how to throw.  I can remember him running behind my bike down the hill as I learned to ride a bike.  I can see him sitting on my horse on a cold snowy Christmas morning after he rode that horse a mile to make sure I received him on Christmas. His laugh is completely gone.  I think of the many times that he would look as something silly I had done and had a full belly laugh and he would say it was all good in his own way.  Then there was right after my parents’ divorce and I watched him struggle but he tried to make us think that everything was ok.  I watched as he began a relationship with another woman after the divorce and watched as his smile and laugh returned. 

I know that death is not pretty.  I guess I just wish that he would not be so miserable.  I guess I just wish there was something that I could do to help him to do all the things he did before.  I feel like a part of me is dying along with him a long with the parts that died when my sister, gram and mom died.  I also think about how after dad is gone, there will only be me and my brother and I know that I will never have support from him because he is so friggin lost with reality.  So I guess I am dying and lost and well I don’t know how I am going to snap out of it.

And even with everything going on in my personal life, I find that I am managing pretty well otherwise.  I really understand the training for the position as a Peer Wellness Coach.  I found out that NAMI is going to give me an award this month for the Peer work I am already doing.  I wonder how I would be if I didn’t have things outside to focus on.  But I also wonder how can I do so well with peer support and feel like I am losing it on the inside.

The picture above I had taken while I was in New Jersey.  That is a path that I used to walk down all the time while I was a kid.  One day I can remember the most is when Dad and I walked down there alone one day after a significant snow fall.  We had taken our dog Koko with us and we were making tracks in the snow.  Our dog got a good sniff of something and she disappeared beneath the snow and a circle began to appear from her under the snow.  I can remember dad letting out one of his biggest belly laughs at her.  One day I am going to go there when it snows and get a snow shot.  If I remember correctly, it is very beautiful in the winter.  TTFN