Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Beginning Again

Just spent the whole weekend with Denny.  I am really amazed that we have managed to prevail through his sobriety.  I was really concerned that once he was sober he would change somehow, after all that is what I was told by a few people.  We are now able to have some really deep and meaningful conversations, and I am really enjoying it as well as he is.  Last Sunday I was able to express to him the many fears and much anger I had toward him while he was drinking and it was received with much understanding.  Even though he has been sober now for almost thirteen months, I had never really expressed those feeling that I felt to him during that time.  I guess I was afraid that it backfire and cause him to relapse or something.  I think that because of the honesty that I shared with him last Sunday we were finally able to move past the hurt feelings and we are now looking into the future with a better attitude.

There is talk now of us moving back in with each other.  I will be honest here as I was with him, I am a bit nervous.  My biggest fear of moving back in with him is that he might relapse and I will have brought myself back into the situation I took myself out of a year and a half ago.  I expressed this to him a bit this weekend and he told me that his decision to quit was influenced by the fact that he realized that he was losing me.  Wow, that just blew me away.  I don’t think that I have ever felt so loved like I did at that moment as we sat outside having cokes in front of a small cigar bar. (Yes, he started smoking cigars since he became sober).  People were walking all up and down the street and no one knew the intense love that I felt at that moment.  I will never forget the ways his eyes looked as he expressed his feelings. 

Though we are talking about moving into a new place together, we are going to take it slow and honestly I want to wait until his two year mark.  It is something that I had talked to him about previous and he totally understands.  Even though that is what I am aiming for, I am not sure I can wait that long because of outside forces.  Currently I am training for a new job as a Peer Wellness Coach, and if what they say is true about how we are going to be paid when we are done, I don’t think that I will qualify for the housing that I am currently in.  If that is the case, then we might have to rush it along faster than I wanted to.  We have to find a place near where he lives that will take our two cats and is three bedrooms (no matter what I need a room of my own and he wants an extra bedroom for friends that visit).

Lastly, Denny has to figure out what to do with his free loading roommate.  I am not going to say much here, because this is again a super long blog, but I will just say this a**hole has not paid Denny since August.  Believe me, tomorrow I will go more into the situation that is the roommate.  Just thinking about it gets me worked up.  I did tell Denny that I will not live with that man and he said that he is working on getting him out and that it will not be an issue.  All I know is if he doesn’t take care of it soon, I will.  I am born and raised in New Jersey and I am not afraid to use my Jersey attitude with this douche.  Ok enough of that guy getting into my pleasant thoughts.

I slept next to Denny last night and OMG I so love waking up next to him.  I love how he feels me stir and wraps his arms around me and holds me close until I am awake enough to get up.  I have never really been one to enjoy display of affection, but for some reason with Denny it almost seems natural.  It feels like he knows what I am thinking.  It is funny, today while we were sitting on the porch in front of his place, he was one step above me and I wrapped myself around his knee and he placed his arm around me and he said that we fit nicely.  My god, it is like he knows what I am thinking.  All I have to say is though I have always loved him even when he drank; I so love this new sober Denny so much more than I thought I could.  Ok I guess that is all.  Just got to go and find a picture for today…brb.

Alright, this picture was taken a few years ago.  I just love his big smile in this one that I wanted to share it with you all.  TTFN you all.

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