Me on Both the Inside and Out, Can They Work Well Together

On the outside I seem to being doing pretty good.  Wow can I really fool everyone.  I wonder if I am fooling myself just as much.  I do what I have to and it seems to be working alright and there is really not that many symptoms showing.  The thing that scares me is the fact that I find myself getting lost in my head too much.  I am losing time.  I haven’t had that out of control for so long and this is really scaring me a bit, but I am able to maintain and get things done.  That is what matters in the end, isn’t it?

I am beginning to realize that either my brother is completely clueless on the ways of the world or he is faking it so well just so he doesn’t have to deal with shit.  Ok I understand that for the most part he lives under a rock and has been there for most of his life, but shit do I really have to basically hold his hand for EVERYTHING!  He is so friggin afraid to talk to other people that he called me to ask where a pharmacy keeps something rather than asking someone right there. 

Two weeks ago, Denny and I went down there to visit and my brother did surprise me.  We planned on going to a movie after dad went to sleep and to be nice I asked my brother if he wanted to go.  Never did I think he would go, because the last movie he went to see was the Howard Stern (his hero) movie.  Well he said yes.  I could sense the high anxiety in him while we were getting tickets and popcorn so I brought him into the theater to get seats.  He picked the top seats, so this way no one was behind him.  Watching him was like watching someone who slept for the last twenty years. 

Anyways so here I am.  Not understanding this feeling.  I am usually able to see things and know what to do about them, but this is so different.  I am functioning and well I guess that is good, but for the most part I am not really there and lost within myself.  Not sure if I explained that right, but it sounds ok to me. 

Dad is worse.  I knew that was going to happen so that is not a surprise or anything.  I just can’t help but think of him running after the baseballs that I threw kina to him while I was learning how to throw.  I can remember him running behind my bike down the hill as I learned to ride a bike.  I can see him sitting on my horse on a cold snowy Christmas morning after he rode that horse a mile to make sure I received him on Christmas. His laugh is completely gone.  I think of the many times that he would look as something silly I had done and had a full belly laugh and he would say it was all good in his own way.  Then there was right after my parents’ divorce and I watched him struggle but he tried to make us think that everything was ok.  I watched as he began a relationship with another woman after the divorce and watched as his smile and laugh returned. 

I know that death is not pretty.  I guess I just wish that he would not be so miserable.  I guess I just wish there was something that I could do to help him to do all the things he did before.  I feel like a part of me is dying along with him a long with the parts that died when my sister, gram and mom died.  I also think about how after dad is gone, there will only be me and my brother and I know that I will never have support from him because he is so friggin lost with reality.  So I guess I am dying and lost and well I don’t know how I am going to snap out of it.

And even with everything going on in my personal life, I find that I am managing pretty well otherwise.  I really understand the training for the position as a Peer Wellness Coach.  I found out that NAMI is going to give me an award this month for the Peer work I am already doing.  I wonder how I would be if I didn’t have things outside to focus on.  But I also wonder how can I do so well with peer support and feel like I am losing it on the inside.

The picture above I had taken while I was in New Jersey.  That is a path that I used to walk down all the time while I was a kid.  One day I can remember the most is when Dad and I walked down there alone one day after a significant snow fall.  We had taken our dog Koko with us and we were making tracks in the snow.  Our dog got a good sniff of something and she disappeared beneath the snow and a circle began to appear from her under the snow.  I can remember dad letting out one of his biggest belly laughs at her.  One day I am going to go there when it snows and get a snow shot.  If I remember correctly, it is very beautiful in the winter.  TTFN