Welcome to My Bumpy Ride.......

Before you all read on, I guess it is best to introduce myself to you and let you know a bit about myself. I am Susan, and first and foremost, I am a mother to a wonderful young man. Though he is grown, he will always be that three year old little boy, that asked all those questions and expected answers to them all. Though I will tell you much about myself in this blog there is no one or nothing that is as important to me as him, even if I don't discuss him much, because he kina likes to remain private.

For years I was actively trying to find myself, but that was a big waste of time, since by doing so I was not living. All my life I have always known that I was "different", but was unable to know why that was. I first thought that perhaps it was because I was adopted, but that was not the case. Turns out, I am bipolar and pretty much have been all my life. This was explained to me about nine years ago when I had a major melt down. I tend to be more on the depressive side, but have on occasion been quite manic. My last episode was early thru mid 2008, with full blown depression. For five months, I bearly left my house, let alone my bed. Why am I telling you this? I just want it out in the open and let you understand that I discuss my illness from time to time.

Present day, I am currently a full time student, studying social work. At the end of 2011 I was approached by a mentor of mine, who mentioned a new program that was going to launch here in Rhode Island. This new program called the Peer Wellness Coaching, was something that I had always wished would become a reality and to add even more excitement was the fact that this mentor was inviting me to train for a position as one of the Peer Wellness Coaches.

So currently (spring 2012) I am part of the three phases of training and should be employed by the fall of 2012. What is even more excellent about this program is that they are aware of my education goals and are willing to work with me on maintaining those goals.

Also you might hear me mention NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), because I am actively involved with them. I am a facilitator and state trainer for the NAMI Connection groups (peer run support group) here in Rhode Island, and I also help teach high school and college students about mental illness through NAMI RI's Inside Mental Illness program.

So with all that being said...I hope you read on to my daily activities and thoughts and such.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Pitfalls and Goals

Starting Monday I will be starting my second training for the Peer Wellness program.  I have not started my internship yet but have an interview on the 26th.  I was really hoping that I could do my internship at the mental health center that I go to, but they are not letting anyone who goes there to do their internship or work there.  That makes no sense to me at all, after all, isn’t it a good thing to show peers that you have used their services and such and found a way to enter into recovery.  Their reason for not allowing current clients there is because we will have access to our own records.  Now that gets me to thinking, what is so bad about that?  Makes me wonder what is in my record that they want to keep to themselves.  Now because they are being that way, I am going to be asking to see my records, because after all, I can.

My son came up this way last weekend to visit with me.  I could not believe when he called me that Wednesday to ask if he could visit.  He didn’t give me much chance to find some interesting things for him to do, but he did tell me that he really liked it up here.  He came with his girlfriend.  About four months ago he moved in with this girl, and let me tell you first, I really like the girl, but they are so young (21) that it is hard for me to take at this time.  All I have to say is what I told him, I can’t be a grandmother until I am fifty.  OMG just to type that out is crazy.  I will be 45 in four days.  I don’t know what my age is supposed to feel like, but I doubt I feel it.

Ok so what is bothering me at this?  Denny has started drinking again.  Makes no sense to me that after fourteen months to begin again, but he did.  I want to scream at him and beat the crap out of him, but I have decided that I will sit and wait and see what happens.  He says that he felt pressured to quit in the first place and that he felt it was not his decision.  All I have to say is whatever!!!!  I asked him if he was thinking of getting sober again and he said it was a high possibility, but I think that he is going to wait until he totally sinks to the lowest possible place he can. 

I guess what bothers me the most is the talks we had and how he said that he loved me and that he chose me instead of drinking and shit.  So what is he saying now?  Is he saying that I am not worth it any longer?  I know logically that his drinking is a disease and he really doesn’t have complete control over it and all, but it still hurts mega.  I have decided that I will go back to the original deal I made with him before he quit.  I will not be around him if he is drinking or be around him if he has drunk.  Guess that means that I will be alone quite often.  All I know is love fucking hurts and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I decided that I am going to try and get myself out of my funk of isolating and being all depressed.  I began to feel this way before Denny drank and of course it got worse after.  I decided that I will get out and do things and focus on my internship, school and training.  These are things that will keep my mind on my goals and not help me to remain isolated.  It just would be really nice if I had close friends here, but I have yet to find that friend.  I have a few friends, but not that special kind that really listen and talk and go out to do things even when I don’t want to.

Above is my schedule for the fall semester.  I am so excited because if everything goes right, I will be done at the community college and on my way to the state college in a year.  I only have 7 classes to complete to have an Associate’s degree by May.  I will take three of them in fall and the remainder in spring.   This is the kind of stuff that I have to focus on and as long as I do I should be alright.  Ok that is all for now.  TTFN

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